~ Boxes In Your Mind ~ Parent Child Relationships ~

Hopefully as you get older parents treat you as an equal and not a child and visa versa. Meaning, in observing these two people, then myself and my daughter, you can see where patterns start very young in the relationships that we have.

With these other people, if you’re listening, you’ll hear the child’s voice, attempting to be communicative at times, softer, more articulate to try and have a conversation, based on what their father just said as to not firing off one question after the other, (they’re both adults) with the parent and the parent loses their patience as if he were still small. And, that’s when the arguing starts. If the father can’t answer the question, or feels he already has and more questions come thereafter, that starts an argument because the one doing the questioning, seems to want to be thorough and may or may not agree with the parent.

Then they stop listening to one another and that leads to the yelling, the arguing and the walking away crap they do. They’re horrible communicators. If you are going to work together, the parent child relationship “NEEDS” to be disposed of and they need to be like colleagues. That hasn’t happened, I highly doubt it will any time soon anyway. Both of them dislike being interrupted when they speak, yet they both do it. If they weren’t yelling after a while it would be entertaining to see just how much, they both contribute to the problem. The younger one actually, truly tries to be communicative however the older one, tends to shut him down. Thereafter, I went to talk to my daughter, she’s in her teen years and … lol The first thing she did was start interrupting me. O.o

I waited, because I can see similarities and I don’t want that when we’re older like these two. We do okay most of the time, however we could do better. I’d say w/in 3/5 minutes we were arguing. lolol I kept trying to express something, she kept interrupting me before you know it, I was like “Listen to what I’m saying to you!!!” and then, finally… “Shut up!” Just like these two. Case and point, their relationship is a parent child “adult”, mine “is” with a child.

The young lady at work, I’d suggested this to her. She was like, that’s no good. She hears them too and said she hopes her and her daughter don’t do that. So, I asked her how she relates to her mother now vs. when she was small/younger/child. And I waited. :) She gave me this cute expression, like… “Oh.” I laughed, it was so cute. I’m not sure how my relationship with my father would have been, if he were still alive however in the end there, I was the parent, he was the child in so far as telling him what to do and to get rid of people who were sucking him dry after he retired and moved. My mother, as previously mentioned, she and I would have went head to head, that was inevitable when I was grown and her size. I have no doubt. So, everything’s relevant and based on one’s environment, certainly.

Some parents are unfit, they can go do unfit over there and really, to me, the individual needs to reconcile for themselves, that it’s nothing they’ve done to have been put through such horrible and/or bad treatment. In lesser cases, the parent seems (so I’ve seen and it’s not all) we’ll stick to this environment, to assume they know best, they don’t treat the child as an adult and this creates a problem. YET they still fall back on old ways of behaving in other areas as well. So, you want to be treated like an adult, yet one still does certain things, which go way back when, mentally and emotionally.

Every now and then I’ll advise the two of them they don’t listen to one another because I want them to shut up and it’s certainly the other one’s fault. lol My daughter gets upset because I’m over protective however I’m fairly accurate and usually, if I assess something, I’ve been right and I’m trying to teach her something about life and the people in it. However, I have tried to temper that, I do well until such time as she’s not seeing something and I can. Later on, after whatever it is, is over etc., I’ll hear her say something as to how “this wasn’t right” and she didn’t like it and she prefers “this” instead. Soothing things as to how she wishes to be treated by the people in her life. In my case, I want her to learn, she’s still young. In these other cases, they’re adults and while the premise perhaps is the same, one looking at the other and being protective (because that’s what it is sometimes, other times it’s simply a difference of opinion and being badgered) and then the arguing starts when one or the other doesn’t see the other’s point of view.

I can’t say that I had a particularly good guide myself, in my house growing up. I do know what I do not want so I work towards that. I feel for the younger one at work because you can hear it in his voice, the frustration, the genuine interest in asking the question and he’ll try to approach said parent in a manner in which the parent suggested, but it doesn’t work and turns into an argument again. Not to mention they don’t “listen” and someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong and over time, they’ve both had valid points as to whatever it was.

Yet, old patterns still exist as to other things. One had to go pick something up the other day, under the guise of being “nice” they “asked” (a ploy, you’ll see why) said parent, “Do you have anything there? I can go pick it up, I have some too”. The ploy was, the father offers money to go pick it up. So, that is how old of a pattern? Son goes back into the other room, comes back out vs. leaving and picking the stuff up and “paying for it” and says, “Did you have anything there you wanted me to get?”

The only reason he did that was so said human would give him the money to pick it up. If he truly wanted to go and pick it up himself, he wouldn’t have asked the initial question and the asking again, under the guise of “being helpful” was so the father would give him the money to pick it up, which :) He did. It seems like, money is the expression of love or taking care and that seems pretty prevalent. If the boy really wanted to be helpful, he did not have to ask, he could have simply went, paid for it out of his own pocket and brought it back not asking for any money. Well :) He didn’t directly ask now did he, no he did not because he knows that it will be offered. Same thing with something else that went on for a while there, I couldn’t help myself with that one, that was the boys responsibility and it was directly given to him to be paid. We still are unsure whose credit card is being used to do it though.

Same with some other things as well. It’s interesting, so say the least. So, really we’re talking about doing things people will and can do, for as long as they can. It’s really truly none of my business, however “it’s right there”.

Reminds me of a friend of mine years ago who called me to justify being a brat when his parents wouldn’t “still” give him a 10% downpayment towards a million dollar home and they gave him the 10% towards the 800k home when that’s the one he chose. See, HE FELT that if he chose the lesser home he would still get the down payment for the million dollar home and he could pay off 40k of his own personal debt in the process. But… wasn’t that his responsibility in the first place, or was that his parents responsibility and he justified this by saying, “He was being responsible”… and “didn’t I understand”… O.O

Well. No. You’re a brat. i.e., Parent child relationship. Manage your shit. Everyone may need a little help from time to time, I made a mess of things when I was a kid w/credit cards. Yet… to me, since I’ve been on my own for so long, I wonder what gets into their heads. Begs the question, “should the parent pay for certain things” or “should the child learn to stand on his own two feet like the parents had to learn”. Barring those of course who have a lot of money, etc., you know? It also begs the question, am I upset I don’t “got it like that”. :) Fair is fair.

No. Not really. I mean, it is what it is. I do wonder though, if I would, if it were something available to me. Maybe I would. It’s like the safety net some may have, it’s nice how often does one use it though due to poor “management” of ones life?

All interesting things. To be noted, the new girl has bad dreams since starting working there. her eye twitches, she’s frustrated and stressed by the lack of symmetry and organization, the arguing between the two and that girl’s going to be really in great shape by the time she leaves, she’s going to the gym to get it out of her system. lol It’s not funny, truly. I don’t think I get a prize for having a high tolerance … do I?

Posted in Personal growth

~ sympathetic nervous system ~ aand then it hits you. lol

For the record, Saturday’s post about that crap (scroll down if you like) was the venting portion, processing. It takes 3/5 days for something to process in my system (Not sure why I forget that when I know it’s true) today I saw a post about how girls (it was a joke, totally set me off lol) do all the things I referenced in yesterday’s post “like only girls/women” and I was like… O.O

What the fuck? Really broaden one’s perspective, ALL human beings are capable of fabulously horrid communication skills and retardation as I described yesterday. I made a whole separate post about it.

Nerve struck. This is day 3 of processing those feels attached to it and now… I’m just like… Shut. The fuck. Up. I really did not recognize, just how much black and white thinking there is on such matters how, only men do this thing or how only women do this thing.

It’s both sexes. Both sexes pull shit and/or have things they do. Wake. Up.

Today, I’m sufficiently annoyed. Unless you’re taught differently, to communicate well and/or better these bad habits start very young, are absorbed and taught through one’s environment and… honestly I’m still working on such things myself, I make a concerted effort every day, all the time, and humans wonder why their shit falls apart? I remember this young lady, she was 17, she needed me at an old job to show her something, I’d be on the phone… she would hover in front of me @ my desk vibrating so I’d look at her.

Every bad habit you learned as to how to related to others, from your past up through to the present is neatly collected in your system, based on your prior experiences in life and will and does, can in fact follow you forward in your life if you are not paying attention. They’re neatly embedded things, you CAN change them if you give them ANY thought whatsoever. May I suggest you give them thought. Over there.

Learn how to communicate, even if it HAS to be in writing or GTFO. Or the other thing dipshits do is, specially the one, they’ll hover while you’re on the fucking phone? (yes, it’s now hit my system for how annoying it is) You’re having a conversation ON THE PHONE they’re hearing only your side, they offer suggestions as to what they ASSUME the person on the other end of the phone is saying and what you need to do and/or say as well. WTF is that?

OR you’re on the phone, they want your attention and they’ll fucking hover like a 4 year old, hoping you’ll turn and give them the instant gratification of getting your undivided attention while you’re trying to do your work.

Please hold, is the term I use for any and all interruptions. Do you REALLY need me that badly in the next 30 seconds or few minutes that one needs to fucking hover like a 17 year old or younger? If there is a FIRE and I don’t smell the smoke, of course… hover, bother me, say something, otherwise? Get the fuck away from me. Don’t call my name and instantaneously expect me to drop what I’m doing to give you attention “in that moment”. I will speak to you, you just have to fucking wait.

Why (rhetorical) isn’t grade school over yet? How fucking old are said people? More importantly, if one finds that YOU do it to? Cut that shit out. WTF is wrong with you? Don’t answer that, I already know.

Because all the bad behaviors, that works for you, carry forward from childhood through to the present, because people do what works, because it’s all about you, because you have no fucking clue about mutuality, teamwork, reciprocity, processing things, coming to middle ground and your needs come first.

Thaaaat’s right, I’m right, YOU are WRONG. You see how that works? Because now, it’s all about ME. Presumptuous asshat dipshits, WTF? GROW UP. AND GET OFF ME.

Oh, you don’t like it? Oh, you’re not going to stop that shit because it serves you?

Do it over there. Far, far, far away from me.

Learn it: mutuality, teamwork, reciprocity, processing things, coming to middle ground, critical thinking skills, communication skills, patience etc., etc., being RIGHT all the time or cutting off communication damages relationships. The new young lady @ work is like, OMG O.O This place has so many emotional triggers, it’s not even funny. I laughed, not maliciously (she understands tho, so that’s cool, stress relieving stuff) because she’s right, I’m right. I always was, I know that. Then they argue with each other loudly like dip shits, so it’s not remotely related to “you” specifically, this is how they do things. It’s normal for them. If I had to say I have an accomplishment, it would be to not have picked up the bad behaviors myself.

First thing I learned, “People are busy formulating responses to what they’ve heard, vs. truly listening”. This is a skill, learn how to LISTEN and seek to understand vs. frustrating the fuck out of those around you. Also keep in mind, it goes both ways.

For the LOVE of ANYTHING decent, No, I’m not going to take your thoughts on as my own, I’m me, you’re you… fine. However for the LOVE of ANYTHING decent learn how to fucking communicate. Cuz ur driffen me crassay.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go blow off steam by walking around the house and venting out loud. lolol :) You may want to try it, it’s very helpful. :) Oh and by the way, I understand all of this, I do not need to be fixed, nor do I need to “understand anything” nor am I looking for advise. Fix your shit. :)

Be nice hoomanz. FFS

Posted in Personal growth | Tagged , ,

~ Empaths ~

I just had the good fortune of finding this site The Book of Storms, with lessons as to developing and soothing one’s self as to being an empath, I thought I lost as to empaths which I am and I’m reading it now. it also mentions psychology and things that are soothing and psychology sooths me quite a bit. It gives me a method to other people’s madness and my own as well.

Everything I have ever read, as it pertains to my own personal growth as well as expanding things I want to learn as to psychology, so many things intermingle. Gemini’s have certain character traits (which I’ve mentioned I do not follow 100%) which are also listed for the Highly Sensitive Person as well as a person with ADHD, hypervigilance, PTSD. This site is talking about how anxious empaths are and so do Gemini sites as well as certain disorders. It’s all relevant. I’ve also mentioned that I’m overwhelmed a lot by other people’s emotions and can sense them, from far away etc.,

Any time I have sensed someone, there’s a reason. If I haven’t seen them in a while, they show up or call or something is going on.

You’ll see this person, should you be so inclined to read the link above, intermingles certain pathologies together from a psychological standpoint. Which is why when I see changes in those DSM plah diagnosis things I become disturbed because while I respect the idea as to certain diagnosis’ unless there is a true mental illness, I lean heavily on developing one’s self more than listening to someone else’s perceptions. Certainly it’s nice to have a sounding board and to educate ourselves and self diagnosis in some cases is a very bad idea. I understand.

Yet, as a person who realizes I am a sponge as to other people and their emotions and what they put out, including reading them, sensing them etc., I am 100% positive that “it is them” when I say it or sense something. Particularly if I felt fine before hand. It does go to other things, however there are things outside of body language, tone of voice etc., that goes beyond sensing another person. Even if I give the benefit of the doubt as to some one, later on the truth comes out in the details. Which brings me back to my initial assessment. It is a rarity that I’ve been wrong.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I’ve sensed things, known things and other’s have poo poo’d them, said I was paranoid, told me I was too tough on people, etc., etc., Yet… I still see what I see and when I’ve ignored my own good judgment and intuition, it’s always ended badly. For me. I need to vent, it’s why I come here, so I can vent and process the over flooding of emotions that hit my system where I spend my days. Even online there are patterns and things that go on as well. It’s all very interesting.

I get an awesome rush talking to people, making them laugh, banter, talking, otherwise… I grow bored. I need that type of stimulation whether I’m creating it by watching a movie, talking to others or the best kind intermingled is working out and of course music. Visual stimulation, images, sensory overload heaven and some not of course.

I live in the wrong place. I can tell you that. I need more space, more trees, more space. Nature and all those good things. Animals are an incredible instant high actually. Connections to other people are very interesting, fascinating, always fascinating. As an aside, I got my hair cut yesterday, I do not know what that peanut is doing wrong, but it’s lacking some symmetry for realz. I don’t know WTF she’s missing in what she’s doing but… smh it’s just not right. Symmetry is important too btw… IJS. Later :)

Posted in Personal growth | 6 Comments

~ Black Sheep #6 ~

This is not me :) However this is the hairstyle I had up through 6th grade. No, no... it is not cute for that long.

This is not me :) However this is the hairstyle I had up through 6th grade. No, no… it is not cute for that long.

I remember my mother doing my hair every day, banana curls which required me to sit while she put curlers in my hair every night. (yukk) I remember when she didn’t shave her legs, she had stubble and I’d feel it on my arm because I’d sit or stand so she could reach between her knees while she put the curlers in. My sister had the same hairdo even when she was older and that just was not the style back then in the 70’s. I have one picture where it wasn’t as much of a banana curl look on me, when she was still alive. My hair was pulled back up top, the rest was hanging long down my back (this style by the way, is now popular off and on even now) and I was wearing this pants suit with butterflies along the pant leg and bottom of the jacket. What interests me about the family photo’s was we were always smiling in them. Well, I had one family photo and then there were some school photo’s as well. I think I gave my brother a couple of them at one point.

Point being, a picture, is only a moment in time. It can trigger memories of days gone by, however the picture itself “is not” indicative of what anyone is actually going through in their head and/or lives outside of the time it took to snap the photograph. We see people smiling and laughing in photographs all the time. “Smile for the camera” and on cue we all do it. It doesn’t mean anything past that point, unless you know a person. It is only a moment in time. Everything else is in the details of that person’s life. Get it? :) Good.

One time my mother asked me to brush my long hair, it was 1/2 way down my back. I thought I did pretty well, however no one said anything about brushing “underneath” the hair, or through it so when she came to put the curlers in, the first knot, she was gentle with. The rest, 3/4 as she ripped them out she was saying, “I thought I told you to brush your hair”. All you could do was try not to cry and/or argue. Yes, indeed when I got older, that behavior on her part, would have yielded her some pretty bad results from me.

I remember, she’d asked me to clean off the dinner dishes, I was pissed at her for some reason dishesso I turned, looked at her and stuck my tongue out. Oooh well that went over like a fart in church. Out came the pepper which she applied generously to my tongue. Then told me to drink water or some shit, to wash it down, cept pepper floats (ingenious wasn’t I?) So the pepper never really did what it was supposed to do anyway. We’ll keep that as our little secret. After that of course, if I knew the term fuck you, I’m sure I thought it instead of sticking my tongue out anymore.

You weren’t allowed to play the instrument, as I’ve previously mentioned, that “you” wanted to play, you played what she liked. Which was weird because one would assume if you let the child chose the instrument they like, they would want to practice an hour every fucking night while you had those summer school lessons and excell. I liked the violin and the flute. I played the clarinet and the saxaphone. You ever have a reed on your tongue? For me, it was soooo gross. Then the thing squeaked because you weren’t oh so good and ugh… just groooooss.

question-marksWe were in a store once, my sister was definitely there she was to stay by the card section or something and my mother wanted to go some where else in the store. I had to be very small … maybe 5/6 and my mother told me to walk ahead of her (It was a Two Guys store, in the basement area. Oh wow, look at that… lol) I was walking ahead of her, I was small so when this huge crowd of people blocked her from my view (who fucking puts a kid out in front and says keep walking straight anyway and doesn’t think of their size? rhetorical) I got scared, thought I’d lost her, ran through the crowd back to where my sister was. My mother appeared out of the crowd in the same direction, I was so happy to see her! And then she slaps me for not following directions. Utter, fucktard.

I remember tasting the salt water, from some unknown reason when she cooked. No idea why. I remember she joined me in a reading club at the library over the summer once. You got a tiny red flag for each level of books you completed. I read Nancy Drew stories, Black Beauty was my favorite, Charlotte’s web.

We weren’t in the house during the summer, we were out playing with the neighborhood kids. The people next door made really good hamburgers. lol I remember one time I was over there and I imitated the girls mother, while I was in the bathroom calling her name? I did it so well she responded and went to see what her mother wanted. LOL :)

Woolworths was another store we’d go in and through on our way out to main street to go shopping

You went in the back door by the parking lot, down the stairs and to the left was the toy department and the fish department. Straight ahead was clothing, shoes and then Main Street. O.o Waow.

You went in the back door by the parking lot, down the stairs and to the left was the toy department and the fish department. Straight ahead was clothing, shoes and then Main Street. O.o Waow.

and we would buy me a goldfish in there, I had 8 neat tiny graves in the backyard with all their names on them, with little crosses too. Finally, we gave up on the gold fish. Seemed fair.

I have a very vague memory of running to my mother, diving on her lap so she could scratch my back. I loved back scratches. Well, still do, who doesn’t? Seriously? You no like? lol :) We used to go over my grandmother’s house on Sunday’s, eat, watch Lawrence Welk (I like the show now but) and we’d sit in her living room (holy fuck, there it is! pictures, memories) with our great grandmother who was in her 90’s. She would complain in Italian, quietly moaning as if she was in pain all the time. We’d giggle at her (my brother and I, maybe my sister) because we didn’t know what else to do. She had this long, long white hair that was in a tidy braided bun. The while hair went down into a pale yellow color the time I saw it out of the bun.

The cut grass smelled nice too. :)

The cut grass smelled nice too. :)

I used to use the push mower in the back yard and mow the lawn. I liked how the grass flew up from the blades as they spun and it made this cool swooshing cut sound as it spun/cut. There was a creek behind the house, maybe woods on the other side. I don’t remember. They had this driveway it wend down hill from the sidewalk. We weren’t allowed to walk on the high ledge that bordered it from the lawn because you could get hurt. I thought that was a really stupid rule until the day I was walking on it “anyway” fell down, landed on my back and knocked the breath out of myself. Yeah, kids… not too bright, I can do anything! BLAP! Fuuuukkk… breeeeath!

Nancy who lived upstairs from grandma there, there’s a doorway from the living room, into a small foyer (two family house) and you’d go up to Nancy’s house and my GAWD that woman was so sweet and kind and hugged just right. You know, she didn’t smother you, she was genuinely affectionate and my GAWD that woman could cook! She had a prickly little beard there, on her chin which made scratchy’s when she gave you a little smooch and a hug. Very sweet woman, almost the polar opposite to my real grandmother which is why my mother was the way she was. I get it.

After my mother died, I went over to grandmother’s house when I was 17, just to ask her why she stopped coming around after my mother died. She says, Why didn’t you come see me? Cunt much? I advised this human that I was a child and that wasn’t my responsibility. I didn’t like her, yet I seemed compelled to ask her directly. After that she sent me some card once with $5.00 in it, however I’d written her off at that point. I think, I didn’t need to get roped into driving her to the cemetery to visit her husband who was gone from when I was a kid forward. My mother used to drive her there and I never saw the point, looking a stone, putting flowers… no one’s there. Why you do this? And, I’d gotten my answer, said my peace and I was done with her. I don’t remember why this was oh so important to me. Doesn’t really matter really, just part of a memory. I think it occurred to me to go because after all those years, I knew someone who lived a few miles from there and I recognized the area one day.

My mother was a horrible game board player. I remember playing a round of Monopoly with every monopolyone once and I was winning. lol Well, against her anyway, my dad always whooped all of us, consistently. Erry teim! My mother, as I recall, landed on something I owned and it would have wiped her out completely play money wise and I guess I was ever so excited about winning I was busting her chops… I suppose and she got angry and left the table. lolol You see? Someone should teach adults how to play nice. That wasn’t very nice. Way to teach children how to lose gracefully. Don’t worry, I learned that on my own. I’m a pretty good sport most of the time, that I can think of.

Okay, this is long enough. I think what surprises me the most about this post is how much I actually remembered. Which is pretty cool. I also remember when I was sick, she would put me in my parents bed, with the TV (we didn’t watch “a lot” of TV) and give me this little bell. I used to think it was “oh so cool” that I could ring it and she’d come. I still have the bell actually, it’s on my dresser with my perfume. Makes the same sound.

It appears to me, the only reason we bond with parents at all, is because they’re there. So, it could be anyone we bond to who is a caregiver. Since I was adopted, it seems logical to me that if a person is your caregiver and they’re kind to you, or show you attention, care for you etc., that you develop a bond with them based on that. I’m at the stage in, I believe most of this (we’ll see) wherein I realize that friends can be the best family you’ll have. More importantly, it doesn’t have to be blood or direct family either. I have seen families who appear to be close knitted, loving etc., that wasn’t mine. :) I don’t like the things my parents have done. I do understand, as I’ve done the thinking in regard to same (minus the memories actually to this extent) that they are a product of their environments doing the best they can with their upbringings. Hopefully one generation learns better from the last, however if you look around in the world today? Or however far back or forward you would like to? Nothing will change in this regard. It can go either way, good, bad, middle ground parents… it’s all relative.

And you are a product of these environments. They define you initially, later on, hopefully in the worst case scenarios you define yourself more and more, for the better as you go along. I still find all these things fascinating. :) See ya.

Posted in Personal growth

~ Random & Whatever ~

Was at the bank yesterday, drive through and there’s a new young lady there. “Hello, how are you today!” They are seriously always very cheerful at this bank. It’s customer service related, I know, still cute though. :) The other young man who works there won a stuffed animal thingy with the banks logo on it and he was looking at it, I smiled and he was all like “I won this!”

Oh. Well, that was adorable. He was so pleased with it, you would have thought he’d won the lottery. Love seeing people get that way, it’s nice. Back to this young lady. She’s all, “Hello, how are you”, I smile put my check etc., in the bin, she pulls it in and I look up … and to give you a visual, there’s a man behind her, he’s overweight (really, overweight) in a suit, must be a manager, grey hair which was slicked back, lookin all suave’n’shit (COUGHBULLSHIT) he’s behind this young lady, he moves up closer behind her, puts his hands on both her shoulders, leans into her a bit, looks over her shoulder at (ploy fucking douche bag, you can see what she is doing from the side of her you muther fucker) the paperwork, says something about it (I assume) she fidgets is smiling, looking down and I instantaneously wanted to go through the window and rip his balls off.

All that whole, smarmy, hands on shoulder, move in too close bullshit? Highly inappropriate. I should know, I’ve been exposed to enough of it and guess what? “It was nothing I’d done”. Yeah, that’s my new mantra. For fun, I looked him in the face, it’s a fun expression (if only to me lol) where you look through them like they’re pure human fecal matter.

Oooh, he’s just being heeeelpful. yeah and that’s how the party started. There are those lines folks, you don’t cross them in certain situations. I’m a fairly large jokester, I mean the things that can fly out of my mouth at any given moment etc., they have their fine line moments too. What this guy did? Oh no… Just no. Yes, too invasive for ME so you have this young girl in there, fuck head’s in her space, hands around her shoulders, moved in to “help” her? Oh, please, go fuck yourself you fat bastard. Realizing I was glaring at him, for the fuck I think he is, I looked forward absentmindedly and I was like…

Can’t prove it, that would only get him a slap on the hand, maybe mind your manners thing from whomever if he was reported. Depends on the rules of whatever company. We know appropriate personal space boundaries with other human beings.

Some things are never going to change.

Posted in Personal growth | 2 Comments

Doctors ~ Medications ~ Surprise Ending

This is from 2011, it’s relative to the last post.


I developed a mindset as to physicians at some point years ago. Most revere doctor’s in their little white coats and the stethoscope draped neatly around their neck, and look to them to solve the most important mystery. Their health and what to do in order to maintain it or save someone they love who may be ill. Right? No small feat, years of experience and expertise under their belt is definitely a good thing, and we benefit from it.

All take what is called the Hippocratic Oath  (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=20909)  when they become physicians. There are two versions in this link the older one and the revised version. My favorite portion of the second version can be found on the lower portion of the page. It states: My links did not work, I did something wrong. Ugh… sticks out bottom lip… Oh well.

“I will remember that there is art to…

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Posted in Personal growth

~ Patience ~ Because the prize is … Happiness? ~

I scrolled past a post this morning, there’s a fella who puts up psychology posts (shocking I’d know them right?) So, it was about narcissists. It’s a fairly old post, I haven’t muted it, so whenever someone clicks it or comments, I get a notification. It popped up again yesterday and a woman says she has just spent 22 years with this narcissist (prick) who exhibits “all the behaviors listed”.

I’ve wondered, from time to time, if perhaps I was doing something incredibly wrong in the sense where, I break up with and remove people who are not nice humans. I have not been able to find a person who understands, WTF I’m talking about insofar as a connection of two human beings, the way I’ve always felt it would work, since… what? Since I’m, I’d speculate teen years forward. I refuse to stay with someone who does not honor me as much as I would honor them. I didn’t understand like I do now, precisely what that meant, however I haven’t changed a whole lot and the thought process has become more defined.

Not for a lack of trying either. It’s not like I don’t explain it, ad nauseum at times and I can’t fathom, being in a relationship that’s not equal. Where you sooth one another, listen, morph together and not at the expense of blocking out the world or any fucked up controlling shit like that, you’re drawn to a person because you like them and it grows from there.

So, we hear “erry tiem” how relationships require work. Fair enough.
We hear, “take a risk”. Fair enough.
We hear, “you have to learn x, y, z to have a healthy relationship”. Also, fair enough.

The problem becomes when “You” (me) knows ones self better than the individual they’re with. It’s not to say we can’t be supportive of a person, that’s awesome. You can grow together. That would be cool right? However… I can not fathom, under any circumstance, spending 22 years with an individual, fucking them, living with them, dealing with them for 22 years who was “that” empty. That hurts, literally, hurts your entire being.

How is that soothing in any way? I mean, and some, will take medication because lolol they think it really “is them” with the problem and if you believe that please read the Dr. Medication Surprise ending post.

It could be you, you could have a history of being drawn to and/or attracted (same thing, to me) a particular type of person. I understand. You may quite literally, not realize you have this pattern of drawing in and/or relating to a particular type of person.

I get it. I understand. I told someone the other day, as to dating that all it takes for me is a phone conversation to decide if I’m going to meet a person. When I have met up with someone, it was me figuring “Well, okay, lemme just go and see”. That’s fine, blaaah, fucking blaaah. So, it’s like this, “Go on this date, blaaah, blaaah” that’s nice, truly and take a risk. Well, if I don’t literally have to leave the house, why would I go spend time with someone, eating a meal and not enjoying the experience?

A year or so ago, I’d thought, my god I’ve done everything backwards. Since then, if one is paying attention at all … who actually, is doing anything, in a manner conducive to “forward”. I can’t imagine spending all of that time with someone, sucking the life out of me, like I’ve seen people discuss. I realize that there are money constraints, children, doing the right thing, what will our friends and family think. I get it.

And, this is not about blame. Most people assume that in treating someone well, in the end, there will be happiness, love, that awesome relationship, etc., and I’m a huge fan. Maybe, it’s the regression of your loins. You know, meet them, see them, be enticed, they smell good, look good, they’re delicious. Me’be scruffy too :) Have your way with them, you have no idea who they are because your libido and attraction to them just fucking blew your brains out. Literally.

Yes, I know, sex is an important part of a relationship and if you thought that directly after what I just said in that last paragraph, minds meeting makes sex better. It’s like, making a choice about a partner because you can’t think past the haze of the sexual tension and/or attraction. Yessss I know, very enticing. I’m a fan :) Still…

In the end, your happy (but your hand on your chest) your happy is in here. And hopefully, just like me, you’ll meet a person who has your idea of happy. I wish that for you. And me :)

This is a rant due to seeing things and people saying how, their husband doesn’t touch them anymore, they’re not sexually active in their relationships anymore, they wish they’d have some attention paid to them and this is “both” sexes, not just men or women. It is BOTH. So, they go online and have those emotional needs filled by someone else. Makes them feel alive, I get that, I do… but, then I see short comments where they’re not truly happy where they are.

I would rather be by myself. I am. I was a little worried about me lately. I’m not anymore. It may come and go, the idea that its a possibility I won’t meet someone, however I would rather “not” meet someone, then meet the wrong someone.

It’s like there was this young fella at a deli I go to, way too young for me. He calls the other women (at least when I’m there) Miss and I’m “honey”. That’s cute :) then there’s that vibey thing. One morning I went in and got a sammich, I was playing on my phone, I saw him, didn’t say hello for no reason, just he was busy and I was playing on my phone. And then, said human had this tiny micro expression on his face, coupled with a brief tone in his voice like “Goood morning”… I was like DAYUM who even like… spoke to said human, like in any manner? It wasn’t me. Suffices to say, if they were older, that would not happen. Nope.

Doesn’t matter to me anymore what other people see and/or do not see. I see it. That’s enough for me. In any event, the focus is always on “you” it’s not selfish. It doesn’t mean you get all stupid, cocky, bitchy, self entitled and twatish or be a prick. It goes both ways. If you are with someone you love, go to counselling. Figure it out.

Yeah. I know. :) It must be me, yet… I keep coming back to the same phrase.

“It was nothing I’d done”. And I did all that inventory, thank you very much. Yes, mistake, poor choice, take a risk, didn’t think that through. Okay, that is something I’d done, because I hadn’t thought about it, all I knew was it felt bad and removed it. Well, naow, hopeful I’ll recognize it when I see it… feel it, etc., etc.,

Posted in Personal growth

~ Human Puzzles * People Who Mirror Your Behaviors ~

All human beings are this ginormous amazing puzzle. Start combining a bunch of them in a room and you have an even bigger, more intricate puzzle. It’s very, very interesting.

We have a new person at work, she is also a Gemini. I don’t give 100% credence to any one thing, I am well aware that there are variables, however a while back, couple years on here… the topic came up when this cunt was working at my office. Her name was Nog, at least on here it was. Oh and she by the way is still at the firm I was at doing devious things, my peanut came for a visit and she (I did not ask, I assure you, but she wanted to talk about it. Okay.) informes me that Nog blew (yes, blow job, keep up) this skanky fukking guy who used to come in the office. This man is a complete and utter fucking dirtbag. She blew him. I’m not surprised, not even a little.

Moving on. Now, at the time, the “idea” came up, as it often does due to a phrase being passed around and people quite literally NOT THINKING about what it truly means, thereby burying themselves to figure out, what is it “about them” that is identical or similar to this person. Someone, I forget who, mentioned it to me about this human Nog. I was like… wtf? She was a conniving douche nozzle who had no scruples whatsoever. So, the thing people say is as follows:

“We hate people who mirror our behaviors in some way, because we identify with them and don’t like them and THIS is why.”

I’m here to tell you, that is bullshit. Variables apply.

The new girl at my job is, a Gemini, like me. We have particular characteristics via said assessment that those sites give you (which BTW mirror ADHD, A’m just pointing that out for fun) and I’m looking at this young lady, her mannerisms, how she zones out in the middle of a conversation, the things that light her up like a roman candle and, I’m a gemini by the way, she is incredibly like me. So are a couple male friends of mine. Witty too. :) lol

Seriously though and I’m not sure if it’s because I know myself fairly well at this juncture or not, however I watch her process things, respond to things, zone out (just like me mind you) and I find it charming. I’m not annoyed at all by this mini human who mirrors SO many of my behaviors it’s not even a little bit funny. I’ve laid a based line for her and I to communicate (honesty), from the beginning. That’s important. And we laugh at each other, then redirect one another, she’s very bright. I’m going to miss her. She’s very sweet, she’s been through so much in life so far, single parent, a nice person. Truly.

I mean, it’s hilarious to me in a nice way. Not a malicious manner, certainly not. She allows me to read her. Meaning we’ve had conversations where we were discussing body language and she did something body wise, so I quickly described what she was doing and I smiled. :) She was fidgeting all over the place, she didn’t know how to stand, where to put her hands, her face… and we both burst out laughing. That is very cool. These are the people I enjoy hanging out with. I help to create that type of atmosphere as well. It’s important to create these things in life. I am a massive fan.

Anyway, so… as to the whole, “We hate others who mirror our own behaviors?” thought process? Puhleeze stop repeating shit other people are repeating, from someone else, who literally never gave it any conscious thought whatsoever. Because the byproduct of it all would be YOU think that you’re like some asshole you hate.

Sometimes, an asshole is an asshole. Get it? Good.

K :) I’m done.

Oh and she’s leaving soon, I’m sure of it. Either by her own bidding or my bosses. I think she’s doing remarkably well. Try’s really hard, goofed off a bit too much in the beginning but she’s really trying and that’s awesome. And they’re not happy with her and I don’t understand it.

We’ll get into the details at work, soon as I siphon that mess out. Like… said human I work for, “does” like me. And we’re talking we have had … fights (he started them, I did not, so you know.) wherein the roof AND the walls blew off the fucking building and… I still have a job. It’s illogical. Truly.

Today, said behavior was felt from said human, w/them it’s body language and how they feel, however I felt it, heard it, turned and snarled. I still redirect them, however I’m done with the communicative shit wherein I suck it up and redirect them. I still redirect them, however there’s no more suppression going on while being “good” so as to redirect things in a healthy manner.

And… it’s interesting, I turned today… and my left nostril (I find this amusing and/or interesting, it’s like a fucking dog for Christs sake) went up, my teeth (my canines lol) prolly bared for a split second and I glared at him.

He stopped said behavior. So, basically, what he is teaching me is that to maintain calm, nice, communicative environment during my day, I snarl when he “starts” the behavior and he’ll rein himself back in. Some would say HEY! Do what works!

But… I don’t want to do that. Do not do that fukky behavior… why on earth would I want to literally snarl at someone, an adult (don’t explain it to me, I get it) to … whaaa?

Shut the fuck up. There is no prize for this nonsense. Yeah, I’m still there. It appears… and I find this odd… I think they really do consider me part of “their lives”… I’m uhm, slightly in awe of this? It doesn’t make sense to me.

So, I’m trying to make sense of it. It doesn’t make sense. LOL :) Be good to each other. Be a nice hooman :)

Posted in Personal growth

~ Empaths ~ Intuition & Mind Fukking ~

lense I have an article about pretty little pictures the mind creates if left unattended. I’ve also been fortunate enough to have people admit to me, which is cool because some may think WTF? They didn’t, that’s what’s cool, they simply said… “Oh yeah, I’ve done that too”. You meet a person, can be any person. You have tiny details, or more than that, as to who they are. It can be in real life or online, just doesn’t matter. There’s a connection, for you, (maybe them, we’re going to stick with “you” for now) and well, to be fair, there always seemed to be a link as to who I personally got attached to and that’s on a different level. You sense them, it’s unexplainable, however it’s happened to me a very long time so I don’t negate these experiences anymore, I wait and see. As an example, one time many, many years ago I was at work, I had a bad feeling about this person I was recently dating. It was the weirdest thing, it was a bad feeling (Cool, my mind just handed me a picture of him. Wow, hawt little critter. This isn’t the same thing, that’s just a memory.) like I wouldn’t like something. Later on, I found out they were sleeping with their best friends girlfriend that afternoon. Go on… shake your head like that’s not possible. I’ll wait. However it was true. Coincidence? If that is what works for you, by all means, believe that.

There is this, connection I have made over the years with certain people. It’s always something

lol Seemed appropriate.

lol Seemed appropriate.

deeper. However, self mind fukking is another thing entirely and I wish I could locate the psychological aspect of it (my folder got wiped out accidentally with all that well labeled stuff damn it) however we’ll go with what I know and what I’ve seen people do, and myself. To be fair. So, a connection is made with a person, it could be “only your” connection (I’m off on this a bit, however it’s there) and suddenly, you’re not thinking about them at all, or have any link whatsoever with them (knowing them for extended period of time, etc.) and Poof … there they are, flying through your mind, doing something that you have no knowledge about at all. It’s the coolest thing really. They pop into your head and its a pretty powerful feeling, you sense how they feel, it’s inexplicable really. It’s almost as if they’re as open to you as you might be to them. I err on the side of caution with such things, because I’ve learned those types of connections, may not turn out well. Goes to how one feels.

It’s like the other day, I was in an incredibly good mood, at the store. This human I know popped into my head and wouldn’t get out (and I redirected myself several times, no need to feed the trollz of this little “gift”) they were gleefully swimming around, doing whatever. First I grinned and thought how cool that was. Coupled with this was life experience, wherein whenever I’ve had a connection “just like that” it’s never turned out well as it pertains to me. Literally. Nnnnnever. What happens thereafter, is your mind begins to fill in the blanks as to this person and who they are, what they’re doing, what you could be doing and it is this instantaneous flood of pictures, primarily from your past and how things would normally go when a connection is made vs. how they really are. So your mind hands you, the past experiences, intermingles them with this present feeling and if you’re paying attention at all… ? You will kick them, the fuck out of your head. lolol :)

None of it is true, unless it’s a reality. The emotions I’ve sensed from others over the years is absolutely true. Of this, I have no doubt. They open and close, some people feel better than others, some never go away, some go away over time as that link is diminished between the two of you, to pop in there are random times and you, do not, have to be thinking about them at all. They are thinking about you. I know a couple people who are aware of these things, I don’t need them to know, what I know… however it is nice to have company who understands how this works. It’s quite neat. Also lends itself to the dreams I’ve had all my life about things I couldn’t figure out or didn’t know while I was awake. Those are incredibly cool.

Think Empath. Then wave at me, I’ll wave back and you’ll understand. I had a much better link, which I lost in that folder that describes this. Meditation would help me greatly, it’s also why being around certain people is so emotionally draining. Although, one does not have to be an empath to feel emotionally drained from another human being’s behavior. It’s right fucking there… feel it? That’s not you, that’s them. It’s also reason 502 to know yourself well because if you felt fine a minute ago, someone comes into your space (or you head, in my case) that’s them, not you.

Oh sure, you could explain this all away. :) Go on. I’ll wait. O.o Don’t bother. Truly. Do, not, bother.

Anyway, so this connection is made, pieces of information start compiling into a folder as to this person you know, and your mind will gleefully put, in the blank spaces, what YOU believe they’re doing and/or not doing based on what? What you “assume” they are doing. It’s like seeing a picture of a person doing something, that is ONLY one moment in time. That 1 second or 2 that it took them to take the picture and your mind takes that picture and splays it out as if it’s precisely what’s going on. Now, I use sending pictures as a cute thing, a trust thing like when I’m late for work, there’s an accident I’ll send a picture so they can see why I’m late. I got pulled over the other day for going a little too fast, took a picture of my rear view mirror of the lights and sent it to my boss. LOL :) Yes, Yes I did. Hahaha! No, I only got tiny ticket which was cool.

So, while your mind is filling in the blanks as to what you think they’re doing, what they could be doing, you have no fucking idea as to any of it. It’s what YOU want to believe and/or happen. It depends. However, I digress, lets go back to this human who permeated my cranium. They were there for approximately 2/3 days. I felt it, I was like Oooh Nooo, we’re not doing that again. So, I focused really hard, like this meditation thing and pushed them out. Buh bye. I did rather well too, I felt nothing at all and I thought, well, this is much better. Whew!

I really, really have to focus and try this.

I really, really have to focus and try this.

And then… out of the blue again, with absolutely no prompting from any external source, there they were again. I literally was not thinking about anything remotely related to this human being and POOF there they were again. Gawd damn it. All people, put forward energy and vibes from who they are. Some feel soothing and nice, others are a bit iffy, others have a different effect. They’re like a zap of lightening. It’s been my experience that those are the ones, one should be careful about. I wish, I was making this up. I do. I would rather say, Oh haaey, Mystery is off her rocker and it’s just this delusional bunch of shit because she’s nuts. I fucking wish that shit. Except, unfortunately, I have too much of a history with it, too many things that happened, when I wasn’t looking for anything at all wherein later on, these things were real and I found out and … you think, fuck. I knew that.

Of course, of course some would think I’m odd. Then again :) who are they? They don’t understand it. Most people have intuition. Some attribute this to hypervigilance, abuse, pstd, etc., etc., and it all could very well mirror being “that aware”. One cannot explain these other things though. The other interesting aspect to sense from a person is when they’re blocking you out and you feel nothing at all from them. It’s like an empty feeling vs. a soothing, comfortable feeling. That can be indicative of a couple of things. You decide where you want that person, literally. I find these connections fascinating and the more I learn, the more fascinated I become.

In any event, this got quite long, I’m rather unsettled by this connection, which was unexpected. They usually hurt the most, to be honest. So, maybe I should actually try and learn to meditate. I don’t sit still long enough though… I’m very hyper. My friend, on here, tried to show me/tell me one day. It didn’t stick. It wasn’t a me thing (thank you though) that soothed me.

Wish me well. Yeah, I know I sound like a fruit loop to those of you who do not understand. That’s okay. :) I’m used to it by now. In any event, one should listen to their intuition and learn to define whose emotions you are feeling in that moment. If you did not feel that way, prior to them showing up, it’s them. Tu untiende? Good.

Posted in Personal growth

~ Moar Brainz O.O ~ Narcissists

Squee. :) lol So, and then, my other friend has been writing about narcissism, personality disorders etc., and I’m soooo essited! They’re in school for it, or… crap, well something like that anyway, I think yes. I just… forget precisely what they said, however I think it’s a definite yes as to school, etc. So, they’ve been putting up cool posts about various things, how behaviors intermingle etc., etc., and my goodness, I’m happeh.

If I don’t know, I stay shut. Certainly, this is followed up with, reading up as to whatever the topic is, to either educate myself OR refresh my memory, because I want to play too. It still always comes out in simplified form for me after I’ve read it. Narcissists are fuckwads and I don’t care how it evolved, just that they stop the behavior that hurts other people. That’s pretty much a no brainer.

I had 3 bosses in the past 12 years that fit the description of a narcissist. They were true cunts to be around. Everyone in the office walked around on egg shells, I didn’t like that. You can imagine I got let go from 2 and the third, most recently last year, I left and found other employment. There are no places to report an employer for this behavior. I’ve checked, I’ve called and questioned the bar associations with the one guy. Nothing could be done. They were hostile work environments too, so really you’d have to have people willing to stand up and stick up not only YOU if you called them to a stand but themselves as well and if they were still employed there, or even gone, it’s been my experience, most will not do it. So these assholes continue on terrorizing people for as long as they have a business, or… get hit by a bus. Would I do it? Absolutely, I would testify if I was subpoenaed or asked to. Ah, but what if you were labeled as a trouble maker by your current employer?

Yes. I would still do it. I don’t actually have to tell them, if I was worried and I also think that if they’re not that way, they would need to shut the fuck up. The only problem an employer, I believe, would have is their work isn’t getting done. Speculation at best, I know. The problem with these types of lawsuits is that it’s all about heresay, each individuals personal tolerance etc., and I’ve worked with some pretty angry, narcissistic, degrading people in my time. From, when I was younger forward. I didn’t know there was an actual name for them until my 30’s or that they had some fucked up shit going on in their heads. I figured they were just assholes. lol :)

I did have a sexual harassment case years ago, which they were going to take on a contingency basis, that’s how good it was, I could have had three actually over the years. Wait, no… 4 if you count that guy when I was 19. I think about, in the things I write, see, have learned etc., how much different I could be, if I viewed the world and the people in it as one big blanket statement. Like… all men and/or women do “this” and I always looked at it from the perspective of, “this asshole did that” and got rid of them. I mean, yes, some scarring remained due to the experiences I’ve had. Some come out in insidious ways, some come out instantaneously depending on the button that’s pushed, which is very interesting. However looking at the whole world as though it were evil, all the people in it, no… I’m aware of the bad things people can do, I pay attention. You have to. Because some people do bad things, bad people do bad things. Those people can do bad, over there. Or fall off a cliff, which would be better.

However not all people are bad. Some just make bad choices, never thought about anything any differently before and I hadn’t either prior to the past, I guess 15 years, you know put thought into it as I have.

Anyway, it’s all relative. If only in my mind. I have to go finish reading up on personality disorders so I can play. :) lol The mind is so cool, why u not like teh miend? O.O I’m tickled these people are talking about such things though, others don’t want to talk about it this manner, like back and forth, I read stuff almost every day, however work exhausts me, it’s nice to have some incentive to read a bit more. I would consider school for it, psychology but they want you to take all this other shit, I do not test well, verbal testing I would do awesome at, just not all that written shit. I do, however, have a plethura of sites to read, courses and the like and that’s free, that works because I can’t afford a class anyway and I don’t want to go. Honestly, I just don’t want to go to a classroom, nor an online class either. My brain turns to mush during a test. Always has really.

There is this young man, on TED speaks? He thinks and does things like me? Like, he retains things differently, skips from one thing to the other, very bright and his parents totally supported everything he was interested in, he wasn’t stifled. No, no, I’m not blaming my parents. That would have been cool though. I never would have stayed with any one thing, the fact that I’ve stuck w/psychology this long, is because it’s soothing, I like puzzles, I like all of that stuff. Oh… I feel sad for some reason. What’s that? Well, now, I guess that will bubble up at some point, why I feel sad for some reason. Soon enough. :) later.

Posted in Personal growth