This was written, I believe, shortly after I had tried to explain to the person I was talking to how it had been my experience that we experience exquisite pain over certain things. I would have to go and review the email I sent them and their cold, matter of fact, diversionary response to me regarding my fears, however for now, I don’t want to resurrect that memory to the extent of feeling the hurt all over again.
I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had over the weekend and the person reminded me of something very important in their concise way. :) I LOVE reminders because sometimes, in my desire to see the good in someone else, I ignore the things that will cause me hurt, pain, disappointment, etc., later on.
I’ve read countless times that “we have no control over others” and this is very true. However, you do have control over the most important person in your life. Come on … guess who that is. Noooo, don’t be shy, GUESS!!!!
YOU. You always have control over you.
We don’t bring other people’s actions or lack thereof on ourselves intentionally. Sometimes it sneaks up on us because we assume they think like us, have the same values or we impose who we think they are ON the other person because that’s what we thought we saw. At least in part … it’s good to see good things in other people.
It’s also good to pay attention. I’ve been reading “that book” (evil thing that it is) by Gary Zukav and coupled up with everything else I’ve read comes some amazing clarity… it’s something I already knew, however a reminder never, ever hurts. I’m a fan.
I thought about how there have been times where due to the actions, or lack thereof, from another person I’ve experienced exquisite emotional pain due to disappointment in a relationship.
Now, I’m going to tell you how to avoid it. If you are in a situation that feels same or similar to one from your past and the individual you are dealing with makes you uncomfortable or you feel uneasy and you ignore the very clear intuitive warning signs that you body gives you “under any circumstance” or for “any good reason”… it’s the definition of insanity because when those things are triggered for you (i.e., emotional triggers brought on by someone else’s behavior or lack thereof) it will cause exquisite pain because not only did you feel it and sense it…
But you made rational excuses for it based on seeing the good. I’m a fan of seeing the good, I’m not a fan of seeing the undertow a person can have and ignoring it because… inadvertently, you cause your own exquisite pain down the line by ignoring what you feel. What you feel will never let you down.
Am I saying that you are responsible for someone else’s actions or lack thereof? No. Absolutely not.
People do things with all kinds of agenda’s (the good, the bad and the ugly) What matters the most in YOUR LIFE is you work on paying attention to what you want in your life and sticking to it. Someone else’s fears, bad experiences etc., are understandable. You paying for them emotionally, mentally and/or physically (in the abusive sense or any other sense barring “healthy” supportive relationships) is never acceptable.
People will do what you allow them to do. It is just that simple. I think the biggest mistakes I’ve made over the years is ignoring my intuition. It’s always there, nagging, poking, prodding … I mean, here’s the thing, someone else may be doing something that makes you feel uneasy, uncomfortable, fearful, off balance, unnerved, confused … so what’s this got to do with you anyway?
Many people, with good intentions, assume that if they are understanding, patient, supportive, etc., that their payoff in the end will be a great relationship or some kind of mutuality and understanding from this other person and “in part” this could be true.
I submit for your twirling around thought processes that while it’s great to be “that nice” or “that good” to another person … it’s not supposed to be at your mental, emotional and/or physical expense.
If you struggle with letting someone go who makes you feel badly, on any level and you’ve discussed it … I submit that the only reason you hold on to that situation is because of some of the following thought processes, ready?
Q: What if I needed that type of support and someone walked away from me?
A: There is healthy support of others and there is draining support of another person and toleration of things that will drag you through the mud later on. Think about that…
Q: What if I let them go and someone else makes them happy, gets them, they change and I miss it?
A: It didn’t work for you. What they’re doing after they’re gone? Is none of your business. YOU are your business.
Q: But I tried so HARD! Isn’t that worth something?
A: Yes, yes it is… now try that hard on yourself, so this doesn’t happen again.
Q: Does it make you a bad person to walk away?
A: No. It’s like alcoholism, sometimes people need to hit bottom, in their own time in order to see the forest for the trees and the mind is so tricky … however it’s not up to you. They have to see it.
See … for me, years ago I would have felt helpless to help the person but it was always heavily interlaced with the other side of helplessness. Because I’ve always known that when I feel helpless … it’s not primarily because “I can’t help this other person” … It’s because I know I’ll walk away.
You can’t make someone else see things from your perspective, no matter how well intended you may be. It’s not how this all works. People have to come to realize things because they are open to them… and in time, if people change later on down the road (and I’ve had this happen) this is STILL NOT ABOUT YOU …
They changed because they realized that they needed to. And people have to come to this place in their life on their own. And this is never about you.
As food for thought today … if you have experienced exquisite pain in the past, and you’re feeling something that will create it again … “It’s not the other person as a whole”. They may be doing whatever that feeds into whatever you’re feeling and it’s 100% valid to acknowledge that aspect of the situation.
You still have a choice though, you have all the control in the world over what is in your life, how you feel, what you’re going to do about it and you “never have to feel” that kind of pain again, if you’re paying attention to who?
“Yourself” You will struggle with this thought process, I have in the past. This doesn’t relieve someone else from the things they do and/or do not do. This isn’t about them. This is about YOU … if you put up with things that don’t work for you … “IN PART” you perpetuate things that you say you don’t want.
It’s the definition of insanity. Doing the same things over again and expecting a different outcome. If it feels the same to you and you KNOW that it will hurt you later … I mean YOU KNOW … because your body is telling you by the amount of confusion and anxiety you feel … I think that you’re worth more than substandard. Aren’t you?
If something strikes a fear in you and you discuss it with that person and it resolves itself. That was your fear and you’ve addressed it. Which is awesome… If it returns again and again, something is off balance. It’s always going to come back to you and how you feel about what’s going on in your life. If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it’s a duck.
The reason the pain is greater each time you go through same or similar things is because the current situation revives and revisits all the times you went through it in the past.
So you’re not only contending with this situation but all the ones that followed you up through to the current one. It’s almost like magnifying something 10x’s which if it were the 1st time, while it would still hurt, it wouldn’t feel as magnified.
Why? Because you’re reliving the other experiences as well … It’s like pouring salt in an old wound. Which never feels good.