~ Exquisite Pain * Yeeeouch! ~ (Relationships)

This was written, I believe, shortly after I had tried to explain to the person I was talking to how it had been my experience that we experience exquisite pain over certain things. I would have to go and review the email I sent them and their cold, matter of fact, diversionary response to me regarding my fears, however for now, I don’t want to resurrect that memory to the extent of feeling the hurt all over again.

I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had over the weekend and the person reminded me of something very important in their concise way. :) I LOVE reminders because sometimes, in my desire to see the good in someone else, I ignore the things that will cause me hurt, pain, disappointment, etc., later on.

I’ve read countless times that “we have no control over others” and this is very true. However, you do have control over the most important person in your life. Come on … guess who that is. Noooo, don’t be shy, GUESS!!!!

YOU. You always have control over you.

We don’t bring other people’s actions or lack thereof on ourselves intentionally. Sometimes it sneaks up on us because we assume they think like us, have the same values or we impose who we think they are ON the other person because that’s what we thought we saw. At least in part … it’s good to see good things in other people.

It’s also good to pay attention. I’ve been reading “that book” (evil thing that it is) by Gary Zukav and coupled up with everything else I’ve read comes some amazing clarity… it’s something I already knew, however a reminder never, ever hurts. I’m a fan.

I thought about how there have been times where due to the actions, or lack thereof, from another person I’ve experienced exquisite emotional pain due to disappointment in a relationship.

Now, I’m going to tell you how to avoid it. If you are in a situation that feels same or similar to one from your past and the individual you are dealing with makes you uncomfortable or you feel uneasy and you ignore the very clear intuitive warning signs that you body gives you “under any circumstance” or for “any good reason”… it’s the definition of insanity because when those things are triggered for you (i.e., emotional triggers brought on by someone else’s behavior or lack thereof) it will cause exquisite pain because not only did you feel it and sense it…

But you made rational excuses for it based on seeing the good. I’m a fan of seeing the good, I’m not a fan of seeing the undertow a person can have and ignoring it because… inadvertently, you cause your own exquisite pain down the line by ignoring what you feel. What you feel will never let you down.

Am I saying that you are responsible for someone else’s actions or lack thereof? No. Absolutely not.

People do things with all kinds of agenda’s (the good, the bad and the ugly) What matters the most in YOUR LIFE is you work on paying attention to what you want in your life and sticking to it. Someone else’s fears, bad experiences etc., are understandable. You paying for them emotionally, mentally and/or physically (in the abusive sense or any other sense barring “healthy” supportive relationships) is never acceptable.

People will do what you allow them to do. It is just that simple. I think the biggest mistakes I’ve made over the years is ignoring my intuition. It’s always there, nagging, poking, prodding … I mean, here’s the thing, someone else may be doing something that makes you feel uneasy, uncomfortable, fearful, off balance, unnerved, confused … so what’s this got to do with you anyway?

Many people, with good intentions, assume that if they are understanding, patient, supportive, etc., that their payoff in the end will be a great relationship or some kind of mutuality and understanding from this other person and “in part” this could be true.

I submit for your twirling around thought processes that while it’s great to be “that nice” or “that good” to another person … it’s not supposed to be at your mental, emotional and/or physical expense.

If you struggle with letting someone go who makes you feel badly, on any level and you’ve discussed it … I submit that the only reason you hold on to that situation is because of some of the following thought processes, ready?

Q: What if I needed that type of support and someone walked away from me?
A: There is healthy support of others and there is draining support of another person and toleration of things that will drag you through the mud later on. Think about that…

Q: What if I let them go and someone else makes them happy, gets them, they change and I miss it?
A: It didn’t work for you. What they’re doing after they’re gone? Is none of your business. YOU are your business.

Q: But I tried so HARD! Isn’t that worth something?
A: Yes, yes it is… now try that hard on yourself, so this doesn’t happen again.

Q: Does it make you a bad person to walk away?
A: No. It’s like alcoholism, sometimes people need to hit bottom, in their own time in order to see the forest for the trees and the mind is so tricky … however it’s not up to you. They have to see it.

See … for me, years ago I would have felt helpless to help the person but it was always heavily interlaced with the other side of helplessness. Because I’ve always known that when I feel helpless … it’s not primarily because “I can’t help this other person” … It’s because I know I’ll walk away.

You can’t make someone else see things from your perspective, no matter how well intended you may be. It’s not how this all works. People have to come to realize things because they are open to them… and in time, if people change later on down the road (and I’ve had this happen) this is STILL NOT ABOUT YOU …

They changed because they realized that they needed to. And people have to come to this place in their life on their own. And this is never about you.

As food for thought today … if you have experienced exquisite pain in the past, and you’re feeling something that will create it again … “It’s not the other person as a whole”. They may be doing whatever that feeds into whatever you’re feeling and it’s 100% valid to acknowledge that aspect of the situation.

You still have a choice though, you have all the control in the world over what is in your life, how you feel, what you’re going to do about it and you “never have to feel” that kind of pain again, if you’re paying attention to who?

“Yourself” You will struggle with this thought process, I have in the past. This doesn’t relieve someone else from the things they do and/or do not do. This isn’t about them. This is about YOU … if you put up with things that don’t work for you … “IN PART” you perpetuate things that you say you don’t want.

It’s the definition of insanity. Doing the same things over again and expecting a different outcome. If it feels the same to you and you KNOW that it will hurt you later … I mean YOU KNOW … because your body is telling you by the amount of confusion and anxiety you feel … I think that you’re worth more than substandard. Aren’t you?

If something strikes a fear in you and you discuss it with that person and it resolves itself. That was your fear and you’ve addressed it. Which is awesome… If it returns again and again, something is off balance. It’s always going to come back to you and how you feel about what’s going on in your life. If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it’s a duck.

The reason the pain is greater each time you go through same or similar things is because the current situation revives and revisits all the times you went through it in the past.

So you’re not only contending with this situation but all the ones that followed you up through to the current one. It’s almost like magnifying something 10x’s which if it were the 1st time, while it would still hurt, it wouldn’t feel as magnified.

Why? Because you’re reliving the other experiences as well … It’s like pouring salt in an old wound. Which never feels good.


8 Responses to ~ Exquisite Pain * Yeeeouch! ~ (Relationships)

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Ya know, sweetie, while it’s true that you cannot control what others do – and despite the fact that people actually try to do this, yes, I agree that a person has to be mindful of what they’re doing and not let the actions of others dictate things. Except, in relationships, that’s a little hard to work around because your life and the other person’s life are entwined with each other in that what one person does can have an impact on the other person, intentional or otherwise.

    In any relationship, you are going to run into things that don’t work for you – that’s just how it goes. True, you don’t have to tolerate those things and the smart move is to make the other person aware of the things that don’t fly for you… then hope some changes happen that’ll make stuff better for you. Of course, now the other person is now dealing with something that doesn’t quite work for them… but relationships are more about compromise than it is catering to each other’s particular and/or unique wants, desires, etc. You find that happy medium that’ll work for both people; this way, both ‘lose’ something but both also ‘gains’ something – and life goes on.

    If something strikes fear into you, yep, discussing that fear (with the person who caused it?) is the best thing to do… I don’t necessarily agree that things are resolved at that point because they have to stop doing things to make you afraid – and then you have to resolve within yourself not to be afraid if it should recur… or resolve to not be afraid – period. See, with the way you worded this part, you are, in fact, relying on someone else to conquer your fear and it also reads like talking about it will make it go away and, again, I just don’t agree with that premise.

    If you can’t get someone to see things from your perspective, either they’re incurably obstinate or you’re not explaining it in a way they can understand it. Getting them to see it from your perspective is one thing… getting them to agree with it is something else because, as you’ve said, you really can’t control what someone else is going to do.

    Which is why I tend to advocate people thinking more “us” than “me” – less head- and heartache that way. Relationships are about working together for the common good and, ideally, common and/or agreed-upon goals… but we don’t do that, do we? It’s a terrible balancing act because we must be the person we are… but we also have to be a part of the whole – and this just isn’t easy for folks to do.

    We all do things in a relationship that we know is going to come back and bite us in the ass somewhere down the road. We tolerate things that, prior to this relationship, we never had to deal with before because, well, love makes us do some pretty stupid shit, doesn’t it? In fact, we might find that we’re putting up with tons of shit that, down the road, we realize we don’t have to put up with and shouldn’t tolerate any longer so, yeah, if you cannot effect change in this you have two choices: Stay in the relationship for whatever insane reason is keeping you there… or cut your losses and get the hell out before the ceiling really does fall on your head.

    Effecting change, however, depends on one’s ability to control what the other person is thinking and/or doing, doesn’t it? You can tell yourself that, starting today, you’re not going to let such and such a thing bother you… but if the other person isn’t in agreement with you on this – and willing to do their part to make the bad stuff go away – um, what, if anything, have you accomplished other than driving another wedge into the relationship?

    Of course, I love that definition of insanity because when it comes to relationships, we are all insane because we do, in fact, keep doing the same things and expecting different results – and then getting bent when things don’t change… because we expect them to.

    People will do what you allow them to do… like they’re really gonna ask your permission to, say, be an asshole. You say that one cannot control what others may do and this is still true… which makes this particular statement, um, well, unrealistic because “allowing” assumes either control or authority in that sense – you feeling me on this one? Besides, haven’t you ever heard the saying that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission? Just because you don’t buy into something that someone else is doing doesn’t mean you’re “allowing” them to do things and more so when you let them know that you ain’t buying into it – put the onus for their behavior right where it belongs – on them and becomes their cross to bear.

    But, I’ll point out again that what affects them affects you, too, and while it’s probably a good thing to not let many ‘bad’ things affect you in this manner, if you’re in a relationship, it’s pretty damned hard to avoid – better not to ever get into a relationship with anyone; that way, you don’t have any of this crap to worry about.

    Sorry, I felt like writing all of a sudden…

  2. MysteryCoach says:

    I haven’t read this in a while, I’m not sure where the fear part is right now (I just woke up too). It’ s not about them fixing me or my fear, usually… for “myself” it’s something they’re doing and if I’m afraid of something going on within that particular relationship something has to give or change. For myself, I don’t suddenly turn afraid of something or someone. And you just gave me an idea to write about … I may have already addressed it in this article, I’d have to read it again. It’s when a person’s behavior is repetitive and suspicious. I’m talking about intuition.

    There is normal talking about fears, like you and I have in the past, where it’s a discussion and we go back and forth. Then again, you’re open like that. Then there’s a fear that’s triggered by what someone else is doing or not doing. They’re completely separate. 99.9% of the time, if I’m that uncomfortable with a person? It’s them. Not me. I am, despite my venting on here in the past, very self aware. And, truth be told I now pay attention and I don’t ignore potential warning signs of anything that will make me uncomfortable. I address it quickly this way, it doesn’t have to get to that point. Sometimes it could be a misunderstanding and we work that stuff out. I’m a fan of that completely. But like I said, if the fear keeps returning, I know that for myself, it’s something the other person is doing. There’s no reason on earth, why any one person need to feel that uncomfortable around someone EVER.

    This whole post was about not tolerating things and knowing “us” … It’s like that doctor and surprise ending post I did. I mean we addressed things over and over again. There are individuals who test, poke, prod and see what they can get away with. This, is unacceptable to me.

    For myself? I have all the control in the world over what I’m going to tolerate and what I’m not. What has become readily apparent to me is how each situation evolved differently or I was caught off guard.

    And too, I think you’re talking more about relationships where the people are some what of like mind. Not those times where one is getting over on another for their own selfish means. Two completely separate animals my friend. As you know. :)

  3. Pingback: ~ Emotionally Unavailable Man & Being Ignored * Part Two ~ | MysteryCoach

  4. Pingback: The Search: *Having Intuition with Emotional Attachment* | MysteryCoach

  5. jdomp says:

    “I’ve read countless times that “we have no control over others” and this is very true. ” O_o But they have control over you. The ones that count anyway.

Come on... you know you want to ;)

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