I’m not sure if I’ve said this recently, however all the things you’ve been through in life are neatly collected in a box (compartmentalized) in your head for future reference. They can and will, dictate your reactions/behaviors to things even when you’ve long forgotten about the experience itself. The title of this post, “Million Dollar Baby” is a movie, it’s about a young girl, who makes all this money after being trained as a fighter, she gets sucker punched in the movie and becomes paralyzed. The first time I saw the movie, years ago, I was yelling at the screen and very angry. Incredibly so. What happened was, first she bought her mother (this bitch) and her sister, a house with the money she was winning fighting.
Basically, she was still seeking approval and love from them. That was never going to happen because her mother was a fucknut. Selfish, greedy, demeaning cunt who should never, ever had children. The movie continues on and if boiling at this nasty humans behavior wasn’t bad enough, there was a time when the mother shows up at the hospital to visit the daughter after she was paralyzed. She was in the area a week or so and went to Disneyland first. O.o THEN went and visited her daughter in the hospital. With her, she brought the other bloodsuckers and a lawyer, the lawyer had drawn up papers for the girl who was paralyzed in order that the mother had full and control over the daughter’s money, since… you know, she was paralyzed and everything (which was bullshit) so she could “seem” like a nice person.
Well. Let me tell you what. It’s not uncommon for me to yell at the screen during a movie when I see bad behavior, you’ll hear “What the fuck!” followed by a plethora of obscenities neatly intermingled with precisely what is going on. Anyway, the daughter declined and I’m positive I missed some of the narrative because I was busy telling that cunt of a mother of hers what a cunt she was and how she literally should go fuck herself, the greedy bitch that she was. NO care in the world for her daughter’s condition “at all”. I was, literally, enraged. More than, one would think, one would be at a story like that. However what I did not realize was the link to my past experience from 20 years prior. I’d forgotten all about it. You’ll see, it wasn’t until a while later I made the connection to this very real event, that happened 20 years prior, it’s how well we put our life experiences in a box, in our minds, unintentionally over time. They do however remain there, gleefully waiting for something to trigger them, even via an unintentional reminder in a movie.
When my father died, when I was 23 years old. I was the executrix of his estate. I was married to the mean guy I’ve referenced here before, master manipulator, got rid of him thereafter. A traumatic event in one’s life certainly does make us think about what we’re doing. So, the night my father passed, we were going food shopping. RB was insisting we hurry up and go, that was cool but I kept wanting to call my father. Goes to the intuition thing I’m always talking about. It was nagging and nagging at me that I should call and while I have no emotional attachment to this such as guilt or anything like that, when we got home which is when I decided to call, it was 9:00 p.m., or a little after. I still had the nagging feeling, gnawing away at my mind, “call your dad”. I thought, well, he’s probably sleeping, I’ll call in the morning.
The phone rang shortly thereafter and it was this cunt who was living there. She called to tell me my father had passed away and that she needed my help. I’d already heard the stories from my father as to her behavior and the shit she was pulling and he was by himself, I’d asked him to send me money so I could go down there and fuck everyone up (literally) however … being a parent, the only kind thing my brother ever said was that my father was trying to protect me from the people he had sucking him dry. That made sense. However, they killed him, figuratively and literally, slowly over time. He gave up in the end. He had nothing left. I knew that when I saw a picture of him, someone had taken while he was down there.
He had said to me that I needed to know some things, he had told me of this one person’s behavior and the things she was doing. So, when this cunt called me up, to advise me he had passed and how she needed my help, I thoroughly suspected foul play. We all have the capability of evil locked away in ourselves. I’m no different. I shifted, in that moment, hearing her voice, asking for my help into someone else. I advised her to “stay at the house, I’d be happy to help her, everything would be fine, just stay there”. No good would have come of her staying there because in that moment, all I wanted to do, to her, was beat her senseless, so she must stay at the house, in order for me to confront her and I advised her that we would be down there in a week. However, the tickets were bought the very next day, we’d be there in about 48 hours. :) Surprise!
You all have a side, that when triggered with situations like this, you would be capable of things you never dreamed of. I never did get to see her, I never got to confront her in this manner because what she did was load my father’s car up, steal as much shit as possible from the house and took off. Suffices to say, she was arrested shortly thereafter and the vehicle was returned. Not my point. My brother … the misguided human he is, would probably have held me back while contemplating something himself. As I’ve mentioned, he is a fairly dangerous human being, when it’s for what some would say, are the right reasons. These would have been, to me, the right reasons. Taking advantage of an old man, who seemed to have money, sucking him dry, abusing him and then when he dies, stealing his things … all right reasons to me.
So what I’m saying is, something from 20 years prior, was resurrected while I was watching this movie and there I was, totally unaware at the time as to the why of it all. All I knew was that, the mother depicted in the movie, as well as the family, were all evil bastards with no good intent whatsoever to this young girl who was now paralyzed and all they cared about was the money.
I’ll continue this later because I have to go work out and I’m running out of time. However, the biggest trigger in that movie, for me was the greed, the despicable manipulation of the people around this girl. Much like, the people who were around me when my father died. I mean, no lie, almost everyone who one would consider to be “close” to you (me)? They weren’t concerned about me, my emotional well being, how I felt, the huge ginormous responsibility that I now had. Actually, no one really paid me much mind after my mother died either. I was left to contend with both my mother’s demise on my own at 12 (didn’t like her, not my point) and then when I was 23, due to the despicable greed and “all about them” mentalities, I was left yet again, to contend with not only the estate, but the selfish greed of those around me.
They did not care about me, at all. My emotional well being, how I felt, my grief, none of that. What they did focus on however, was the “idea” of just how much money there was and how they could get it … from whom? Me. No help was offered, no advise, no guidance, no support. The money and the emotional attachment they linked not getting any to the love the didn’t feel they got… when? As a child. Because when parents or relatives die, someone is always bitching about… not the loss of their “loved one” if they loved them at all, they’re bitching about the almighty dollar and they don’t siphon through the distinction of love vs. money.
What they do, do is to link them together. Well, Daddy loved you more because you got everything. No, what I got was a fucking mess whereby my father’s estate was depleted so severely of funds, due to his being older and not able to take care of himself (I didn’t know this, he never told me) and those who were sucking him dry. And there were many people sucking him dry. No one should die, like that. Surrounded by fools, thieves and despicable people. He was, my Dad … a man who had no clue. His lack of knowledge trickled down onto me and I’ve carried a lot of that forward w/o knowing.My friends who know him and myself since I’m a baby, they’re older, closest people to parents that I have… the young lady (she’s 80 now) Still a young lady to me, she blurted out a little over a year ago how, my father ruined me. Well, OUCH. That comment was well intended and about a month or so later, on another visit, I told her she was right. So, basically, while I feel I’ve done relatively well as a human being and a person, I am quite literally still getting over what my family has done which is neatly embedded in my system.
Why are you people not fascinated by all of this? I am. :) The hands that rock the cradle rule the world. Your developmental years are quiet insidious messages of your entire life up through to this point that define us. The idea truly is to recognize such things and how to remedy them. Someone can support you in this, that’s most valuable, truly. They cannot do it for you. (see prior post)
I have to work out now. :) Go me! This has to be continued. Because it’s a bit longer and I keep thinking, I’ve written about it before, however it’s come up again due to seeing the movie, based on my emotional reactions right now, while I’m well aware we relive something when we talk about it, other things I can talk about w/o feeling the emotions. Meaning those things have healed, it’s just a story now.
So, maybe this too need to be healed. I’m okay with that.
Humans. Myriad of contradictions. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, the child (me) became the parent and had the parents life savings and hard work as her responsibility way before having a clue and the parent, never took care of the child, yet the child was consistently taking care of the parent even in the end.
You see how neatly this all folds together?
Thankfully I like myself enough to recognize, it was nothing I’d done. Yet we still get the great pleasure of siphoning through these life experiences to be whole.
Be good to each other. Be a nice human.