I couldn’t come up with a name for this, so I went with the above. Witty, ain’t I? :) I have said in the past and I’ll say it again, when ever I’ve had confusion or felt a particular way about something or needed a fresher on some topic, or something that would be useful to me, POOF something happens or a person appears, an article, a topic, whatever that reminds me of what I know. Especially when I’m tired or something and processing lots of things. I never think that’s coincidence and if the universe does have ears, it’s listening. I don’t really believe in coincidence, so … THANX! Thanx is because it’s been happening repeatedly lately.
You could say, if you know it already, why the need for reminders and such? Well… it’s just how my mind works, knowing something and processing it instinctually is one thing (it’s an autopilot process which is continually running), combined with not talking about things specifically it hides quietly in a folder in my head, waiting for whatever information I need to be plucked out.
Okay so, a while back I had said, the people I spent my day with where not evil humans, they had bad behaviors. And they do. Then I’d said, I was reading the wrong book. I should be reviewing the verbal abuse things people do vs. the good communication book I have, however in this case, both would be helpful because it’s a combination. Not to mention people’s facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc., all neatly combined in a little package when we deal with someone.
In any given thing a person does that we hate about someone else, we may not really hate the person as a whole, we hate their behaviors and that’s what the focus needs to be on. Redirecting that behavior and making it stop. Hopefully. Friday, the one person who used to also drive me nuts has started, for a while now, to change. Also for the better. It’s in degrees but it’s very cute. Cute meaning, it’s better for them and me certainly, because we’re around one another 8 hours a day and then some so it makes both of our days better. That’s the goal. We were talking about something, I don’t remember what and I’d said something about damaging and they looked over at me and said “No, that was my childhood”. They were smiling, their face was very sincere and they meant that, they went on to say something about how said parents didn’t think they realized (the person who said it being “they”) that he knew what they were doing. He’s right, he was absolutely right about his perception and I don’t say this because “it was his experience” it’s because I know the parties involved and he “IS” right. So he’s right as to his experience and he’s right because I have no doubt, these two would behave in that manner because I’ve seen it first hand.
So said human said their childhood was damaging, I made a surprise face like OMG and burst out laughing, then said softly as possible w/understanding, “I know, you’re right”. It’s not the first time they’ve said things like this to me, little details of “you know this person does this” or “did you see how he did that” and he’s always nailed the behavior and what was going on perfectly. He knows, we all know when someone is doing something shitty, the fact that the other party denies it to save face, is irrelevant, it doesn’t mean anything. Literally, does not mean, anything. Because that’s the lie they tell to save face and not take responsibility for their behavior. You see how neatly this all folds together?Something else odd is it seems, every time I write something here, something changes in regard to what I’ve written about. Like, I’ll be venting here to clear my head, I’ve addressed things and little by little, changes have occurred. I want to be clear. I don’t write about such things out of malice towards them. I want their “behaviors” to stop, (I HATE some of their behaviors) that’s the goal, that’s what I want and if and when they do this, my day will be better and their lives may be enhanced. That sounds like an excellent plan to me.
I’ve said before that when I look at people, I see under neath the surface to the little person, through all the layers of life to their inner child. It’s just there, I don’t usually turn that on full blast unless someone’s fucking with me because there’s no need really. I mean, I do not need to analyze (although that’s on autopilot anyway) to that depth another person. The other reason is that it’s difficult for me to feel them in that manner. We sense things about others if we’re paying attention, emotionally, it’s just that no one ever told you that it’s real or how to decipher when it’s them, or when it’s you. That is a very important thing to learn.
What’s going on is they’re letting me see them, thereby giving me the ability to modify their behaviors because when I can see, I can modify in degrees so they shift “for themselves” which has a double benefit… I’m happier and so are they. Although its there, they’re admitting it to themselves, that’s the most important thing, they’re shifting is saying a lot, without them having to say anything at all. It’s nice to see, it is nice to hear as well, I don’t necessarily need them to “tell me” hey, you’ve done this cool thing for us. It would feel good, however I’m a bit more humble than that. I make it sound so easy … it’s not.
One person who is a frequent visitor there treated for lunch the other day, I added tip money to the bill, told them about it and then offered to pay the tip. Because I hadn’t asked and it’s not my money. They said, No, that’s okay. I said well I didn’t ask, so I’ll be happy to contribute. They said, No you’re a very considerate person and I agreed with them. I said, “Thank you, I am a considerate person.” :) The other human there said a couple times, “Oh aren’t you a nice person”… “Yes, Yes I am a nice person, thank you”
One needs to know one’s self well enough to accept a compliment and not deflect it. I do, they’re right. I am all of those things. I’m also not without some quirks of my own and if they were to say something about that, I’d probably agree with that as well. You know, “She’s so silly” … yeah. :) dugh.
They’re not like Nog or that old office manager I had. Where they were not open or capable of changing. Nog is still a cunt and the old office manager is still probably incapable of accepting responsibility for anything remotely related to what an utter fucktard she is. Thankfully, I’m not around them any longer. The office manager’s inner child was adorable. Her face would light up and then she’d literally twist things around to suit herself in second flat. A lot of people do this, it’s a matter of catching them as quickly as possible, so what?
They don’t do it to you.
Nog is so deeply damaged, she’ll never recover. Yes, that is my assessment. Based on the stories I heard thereafter, she’s like a snake, slithers in slowly, watches her prey and then eats it. Snakes do not like their tails stepped on and I was the handler. She hated that. What was interesting was a tiny flash of compassion when I was let go (due to them claiming not to have the money. lol) she was small for a teeny tiny moment when I made that one last attempt to tell her how the way she was would be a problem for her, the rest of her life. By the next day, she had shifted that into my personally attacking her however I was right and she knew it. She simply did not like feeling that transparent because it made her feel vulnerable and the only time she wanted to appear vulnerable was when she was using that as a ploy to get others to do her bidding. That’s pretty fucked up shit if you ask me. There’s a bee hive in her head, they sting her constantly, that’s got to suck.
A persons eyes are the most difficult thing to focus on. They are the window to the soul. A person can smile and if it doesn’t reach their eyes, there’s something going on there. I told someone the other day lolol I’m sorry to laugh, but I’d forgotten I said they looked nice when they smiled and suddenly they were smiling more often and I was like… wtf are they doing? lolol It was their normal thing to do, not like that. Insert surprised expression on my part and then I remembered what I’d said and was all like, Oooh yeaaaah.
The one who mentioned their damaging childhood, their face is like this sincere, little kid. Full of curiosity and their eyes are wide as saucers (so to speak) it’s a very open expression, meaning they’re open to me in what they say, that’s pretty cool. More importantly I understand what they’re saying and doing, so it morphs together nicely. Meaning, they’re not faking anything, this is who they are and that’s a nice thing to see. It’s sweet.
We are not taught to honor ourselves, we are taught to do as we are told. We are not taught to develop who WE ARE so we go forth in the world with this false sense of self hoping someone will see us when we may not be able to see ourselves in order to express this outwardly to the world. There’s a lack of integrity in this, personal integrity whereby we sometimes do what we do without thinking. I used to do things without thinking, I had no other reference point to go by, just kind of going along, doing stuff etc., and w/o life experiences we can make choices that don’t serve us at all. Yet, we did not know at the time. We were doing the best thing for ourselves with the information we had at the time.
I see so many walking around brow beating themselves for things that they could not have possibly known because why? “It was nothing they’d done” not with intent anyway and that’s never any good. They were there, they made some type of decision for whatever reason, the reasoning lies beneath the details of what it is that person felt they wanted at the time and that’s okay. We do the best we can with the information provided at the time. Hopefully we seek out other methods and ways of being so enhance what?
YOU. No. I am not saying it’s all your fault. I’m not saying you made a decision which yielded you bad results on purpose or that you brought bad things onto yourself intentionally. I am saying to keep learning about yourself and what you want and what you put out into the world. Bad things do happen to nice people because there are bad people in the world. Your job is to learn to identify such things. So you can walk away and/or be helpful if you can. I don’t mind being helpful at all. I love seeing someone light up or shift things and be a better human. Especially if I’m around them a lot.
I also realize where I spend my day is a work in progress and reserve the right to bitch about the backslide which is inevitable, due to this being how they are. They still brow beat new people, this is a mistake. They did it to me, it’s like hazing and utterly ridiculous. I remember they’d be diverting shit, I’d be all literal and shit, they’d walk away because I’d nail them with “facts” and they were being all stupid. I do not know why they do that. It doesn’t yield them any good results and WHY they keep asking me my opinions as if I’m part of it, giving the illusion that I have any say whatsoever is beyond me. Oh, no, I’m valued, I have no doubt. I’m also not naive enough to assume that, that could change. They’re going to get rid of the new young lady. She wants to leave too. If they were nicer initially and understood it takes time, which I’ve explained AT LENGTH to absorb a new environment, they could keep a new person longer and they’d be an asset.
I made a list of things they’re doing wrong as to how the office is run. They’ll tell you “take care of something” then undermine it. So really, make up your mind. You either want “this” done or you want me to do “that”. Something was said as to how something was going to change based on certain things not getting done, however that is directly related to how things ARE done and/or not done. And… this is my responsibility how? It’s not. Manage your shit in a manner conducive to things actually getting done. Or don’t ask me to contribute certain things, then have no idea what it details in order to get that thing done. Why do I have to be the grown up? lol If one is going to bitch about certain things, stop falling back into old patterns of behavior which fuck you every time. I’ve explained that as well, and guess what? “It has nothing to do with me”. :)
I’m done. :) later.