Hoping This Guy Is It …

THIS WAS ORIGINALLY DONE JUNE, 2011. I also need to include for fairness purposes men and women do such things, it can be applied to both.

I was reading around this morning, before I posted and I wanted to talk about something after this brief observation of women in high heels from last night. I went to my daughter’s graduation last night, before the ceremony started, I was going to talk about how some women walk in high heels and truly should practice with a book on their head vs. stomping around with shoes that don’t fit, or like they’re walking around with big ole work boots with the laces untied (love my work boots!)  or like they’re lumbering laborously trying to get from one end of the room to the other and then… aaagh… you see a woman walking, well dressed, carrying herself well and you think… thank you, someone gets it.

You don’t stomp, clod hopper, clippity clop, shuffle or stagger on high heels (unless drunk I guess, but even then…take them off before you kill yourself) you glide in heels. It’s not a runway, you don’t have to slam your foot down, like you’re trying to reach china, you glide.  They should fit you comfortably, not have space in the back and not be crooked on your foot.  Heels make a woman’s legs look a mile high… sexy as hell. I used to wear them all the time, I stopped because my feet weren’t happy and neither was my lower back. This bone on the back of my right foot, began to protrude I think it was the heel bone and when I saw that, I started wearing flats and the bone went back in. Thankfully without the need for invasive surgery.  I wear them on occasion now and you know? Ya just look good in those bad boys! :)  Poise lesson over… You should look like you were born in them… not like an elephant.  Thank you…

My friend asked me yesterday, why I got so absorbed in a couple fellas and fell for a few things I shouldn’t have. After not dating for 7 years, I was out of practice … due to wanting things to work out in my favor, the familiarity factor of the person I was so smitten over, the constant swirl of up and down emotions and a slew of less than favorable emotions, I have confirmed some VERY important things.

Never ignore how you feel when it’s in the negative. If you find yourself feeling badly around a person, or due to what they’re doing or not doing and you’re making all kinds of excuses. That’s a red flag and you shouldn’t give whoever a large amount of your time. Something isn’t right about what you’re absorbing.Your body and mind know when something is off… if your mind blocks it out because you really, really hope this guy is it for you, your body is going to give you this sick feeling in your gut. You’ll think it’s YOU … Especially if they exhibit come here, go away behavior or make false promises and confuse you with their overall behavior.  Even then, you may give it more attention than it deserves. Why? Sigh…

We all have this need to be loved, cherished and to have someone be there for us. Our little inner child is alive and well on the inside and she/he really wants to see things work out in their favor. No matter how self protecting you are, no matter how much you try to deny that you really, really want a relationship or block someone out… if they got to you on any level and you’re finding yourself having those wonderful euphoric feeling you get when you let someone in emotionally, it’s such a HIGH you can’t even think straight … Especially when they say stuff… which implied your happily ever after.

I have a friend who gave me dead on advise yesterday. :)  I laughed out loud at work yesterday when I read it… he said, I don’t know what’s wrong with these guys you attract, they’re a bunch of pussies! LOL He advised guys who don’t know what they want, can’t show up, give me mixed messages or not treat me the way I deserve a kick to the curb because they have no balls. I laughed the rest of the afternoon…

With CB I was so confused by his come and go behavior… I couldn’t figure out, how someone could say so much stuff to me, implied and then keep implying things however did not take action. I mean he must have good intentions right? Especially since, in the initial phases we had that mutual discussion as to what we both were looking for. He’d come back… and of course there were those times where I would think I wasn’t so smitten (A lie I told myself) that I’d forward a joke, we’d be good (not tease) for a little bit and then … POOF… let the teasing commence and there I’d be all stupud again figuring he knows the line I draw with men about teasing (sexually) and he knows I don’t do that with anyone unless we’re involved. He hasn’t teased with me at all like that since he said he couldn’t open up. He knows that’s reserved for who I’m involved with, I’m not involved with him so there’s no reason to tease anymore. He’s just my guy friend… Period. No more sexual innuendo’s, no more teasing, none of that. That is reserved for who I’m romantically involved with otherwise how would that be anything remotely intimate that I share with a significant other? Seriously. I may as well go into a barracks and start talking shit right?

I may as well go stand on a street corner and eat a lolli pop, wear a sign that screams “anyone will do!” Come on in boys! Open for business! I wonder if I opened a kissing booth for “charity”, if that would work attracting the right guy?  Anyway…

Some guys say all this stuff and maybe they are well intended but I know from experience that you can’t chase someone who is not chasing you back. I’m not of the game playing mindset. i will say that to express what we’d like to say can feel pretty unnerving sometimes. I do not have a single, solitary male friend who will not tell me (or you) that men who know what they want make an effort.

I don’t view this as rejection if one that I reeeeeally thought I wanted doesn’t. Okay … :) Maybe a little bit, I’m human after all and there comes this point where you just want the looking and dating and kissing frogs to be over. You date a few (or a lot) of guys who don’t meet your standards, you’re going to think all men are just off their rocker. I can say this about some women I’ve met too, I digress.  We hold onto this thought that “maybe this guy” will be for me. They said stuff, they took you out, they complimented you, whatever it was that they did… you liked them.

Since women know they’ll sleep with you within seconds of deciding she’d like to entertain your company for whatever reason… there’s more of an emotional connection. I’ve made enough mistakes to write a book. I know one thing for sure, men go after a woman, men know that they like you. Period amen. I’m not all that shy, well… I am but I have no problem asking someone out, spelling it out for them, saying what I need to and laying it out there as things come up. I guess, the next person I meet I will do it again. Why? Because I want to know, that’s why… I don’t need to be confused and go up and down emotionally.

I understand from the beginning, until two people decide to become involved it’s like that sweet childhood game where you pull the petals off a daisy, “loves me, loves me not” until you get to the last petal and you’re all excited because “LOOK!!!  HE LOVES ME! “

At minimum he’s smitten enough to show you he wants to be with you, is after you, is making efforts, walk the walk, talk the talk, follow through. For me, it’s reciprocal. I never mind going out of my way and showing that boy I’m interested. I don’t buy into the whole, make the man do all the work. I think they need to know we like them too and we spell it out for them.  Doesn’t mean we get what we want or what we think we want. That reveals itself as to your natures and level of integrity and commitment you bring into a relationship with you. That takes time not bullshit and false promises.

Lemme see if I can dig down deep and really say what I want to about this… I say I’m not marriage minded, I would assume that if I met someone who I couldn’t picture my life without? That may change. We’ll have to see won’t we? :)  Yup.

There is a longing that people have to be connected to someone who makes them feel wanted, desired, cherished and most importantly? That they can relax and feel safe that no matter what happens, they’re going to show up, be present in the relationship and provide you with “some” emotional security. A person who will make you feel safe to express yourself, work things through, not run from a serious discussion but who will step up front and center and work things through.

You hope the next person you meet could be that guy (or gal) and when they like you in the beginning all the disappointment and past “perceived” failures come crashing up to the surface, whether you want them to or not and you hope to god that you’re done looking.. that your search is over because maybe “this time” you’ve found that person who will step up.

Maybe you kissed them and there was FIRE! You can’t fake that kind of electricity with someone … you just can’t, it’s not possible … He curls your toes, makes you doodle their name, makes you grin during the day… and your so slap happy you can’t imagine that you are wrong about this person. That’s just chemistry though … you can have MASSIVE chemistry with a wo/man and not get along as people “at all”… Yet, you really were excited about this guy, and you allowed yourself to believe that maybe this time you met that guy who you’ve been looking for, for a long time.

The right guy? He’ s your rock when you’re afraid, he’s your foundation… he’s the guy who makes you feel safe and you can’t imagine being with out him. He does not give you mixed messages, he’s there for you, he’s steady, he’s thoughtful and he’s got balls … he’s not a pussy.  He’s not afraid of commitment, he’s not afraid of love, he’s front and center … not in that stalker way either, had those, not fun.  He knows who he is … and YOU FEEL THAT in him.

There is no indecisiveness, emotional cluster fucks of how does he feel? Why isn’t he doing x, y, z… there is no guess work. He’s considerate, he doesn’t play games, he doesn’t only think of himself but fits you in… I understand that we hope the next person we consider tossing around (oh, entertaining a relationship with) you want that fire and passion, you want your best friend you want exceptional … and you deserve it.

I understand how bad it can feel to really want someone and then it doesn’t work out the way you viewed it in your mind. Your mind hands you these pretty little pictures of what things could be with this man, you envision being happy and if he said things to you… you figure, lets go… lets see what we can have together. I’m game, I’m tired of looking and I want to live with no regrets.

I get that for myself, what I just learned and probably knew before was to hold off on letting those pretty pictures swirl around your head. Hold off on becoming emotionally entangled with a person until you see what they  bring to the table.  All I’m saying is to push the pretty pictures out of your mind until this guy/gal is front and center, don’t accept mediocre from someone. It’s so important to know yourself well enough where you know when to step aside because you’re on different pages in life. You can run a person through the ringer innocently and … you know? For myself… I can’t allow men who didn’t know what they wanted to cloud my judgment for future guys.  If a situation isn’t right for you, you have to tuck that part of you away and tell her it’s not this guy honey… what you deserve is … what? Tell me…

I’ve already had my play time in life… this time around, I’m being selective. It doesn’t mean we allow confusion or the hope that a person will show up and do the right things with you or for you. It revolves around expressing yourself to the best of your ability and then deciding if what you want and where this other person is coming from are working for you.

It’s like this … you develop a connection with people for reasons that sometimes are a mystery. Something they say, something they do, how they feel, how they smell, the things they say … the efforts they make, they’re all intermingled.

I know it’s enticing to want the next guy you meet to be everything you’ve been looking for… it’s not only up to him though. It’s up to you too… If a guy doesn’t show up or make the efforts, or you’re not on the same page…

THE best thing to do, is let go. I know the thought of someone is a very strong pull … I know you don’t want to keep going around looking and you’re probably bone tired of it by now. Some seem to let this stuff roll off, like it doesn’t affect them. I’m not going to do that … things bother me, I’m vulnerable and sensitive to the people in my life. I also recognize that if a person isn’t going to be there? If I’m confused or not sure … or I’ve extended myself and nothing changed?  I’m worth more than that…

I want … exceptional. I have my definition of exceptional … Take care, know when to walk away, for your sake and theirs.

We don’t know what the future brings… I will say though, that actions speak louder than words, with a good guy you don’t feel all that confusion or mixed messages and if they’re on the same page as you are … it starts to fall into place. Yes! There’s work you have to do, communication and all that stuff… but the right guy? He doesn’t run… It’s just this simple.

For me? I’m being selective…Gawd do I really have to join a convent?  Well… yah you can fuck anybody really, but is that what you really want? Hey… have at it, do whatcha gotta do, when it’s time for something real?  It won’t seem so appealing anymore…

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16 Responses to Hoping This Guy Is It …

  1. Lafemmeroar says:

    Oh my … this is an epic of womanly wisdom. Comparing men and heels and the comfort level we need in both–making sure that it’s the right fit–awesome.

    I love this line: “We all have this need to be loved, cherished and to have someone be there for us. Our little inner child is alive and well on the inside and she/he really wants to see things work out in their favor.” I feel that way. I’m being selective too, and that requires lots of patience.

    • mysterycoach says:

      Thank you LaFemme :) It definitely requires a lot of patience, not just with other people either. I find I have to be patient with myself too … it’s like being a race horse, your in the gate, your all revved up, the gates open … BLAM!!! Go ! :) … spirited little filly that I am. LOL :)

  2. rphillips66 says:

    You had mentioned that euphoric high that you get when you first start dating someone or when you first meet them. There was a study done. Your brain actually releases chemicals to make you feel “high”. It can cloud your judgment and it can keep you coming back for a “fix”. The chemical makes you feel things and then you try to make the person fit what you feel. Does that make sense? You tend to overlook the negative because you like the feeling of the chemical dump.
    Generally speaking, if I remember right, that feeling generally lasts around 6 months top. Now that is assuming there is regular contact, which you did not have with CB. So that feeling may have been able to have been sustained for a much greater period. They actually did brain imaging and can see the areas of the brain that are affected when first having those types of feelings. But the brain finally says “whoa….this is too much intensity…time to get back to a normal pattern”, and the chemical dumps cease to happen. Then you see the real “him or her”. So my point is we all fall for the “fix”. It is a chemical high just like any other drug. It feels awesome and makes life seem wonderful. But as many of us have discovered…be careful. When chemically altered you can “take home a 10 and wake up with a 2”!

    • mysterycoach says:

      Hello ! :) I know all about it… that rush … GRRRR :) I know, I have a post, before you subscribed that talks about what the body creates when it likes someone. I just do not know, where it is!!!

      3 months to 6 months… and it depends on our mindset AND proximity too (as your saying with seeing someone) I was using CB as an example because he’s my last reference point.

      hahaha :) Take home a 10 and wake up with a 2… you mean beer goggles? :) I will see if I can find the other blog post I made a while ago with regard to all these feel good chemicals the body creates.

      What I also learned is that if you have enough … connection and input, you’re mind can make pictures all on it’s own… it’s AMAZING how the mind can hand you what you want to see… feel, touch… No joke… you have a vivid imagination? (like mine) you have a connection with someone? I am amazed at how the mind will hand you what you want … when it’s not there… Apparently, I have a very vivid imagination. :) heh… THAT was a very interesting thing to see…

      It’s like erotica .. you read that you can detach from it but it affects you. Romance novels, etc., but it IS interesting how when it’s a live person how it can seep into your system even without proximity as a factor. Course, yah… over time without actually being together, that wears off… Let me see if I can find it and reblog it.

  3. Sabina Brave says:

    I know, that perfect men doesn’t exist, but I wish you to find a man ideal for you :) By the way, well chosen pictures. And so many of them in one post ;)

      • mysterycoach says:

        I had a ball doing this one Sabi :) I don’t need perfection Sabi … I go back and forth on this, some days I feel like one day I’ll meet the right person for me. Other days I just get overwhelmed and think… it doesn’t exist. I do believe though… like I’ve heard it said that when we’re ready for it, we’ll find it or it’ll show up or something. So, you know… hope it’s sooner than later. But I can wait …

        • mysterycoach says:

          I just hope I recognize it! :)

          • Sabina Brave says:

            I know, what do you mean :) There are some points, what he has to get.
            Long time ago I accepted fact, that probably I’ll be alone. But as long as I can breath, all is possible :)
            I don’t expect to much. Just a man, who will be able to take resposibility not only for himself, but also for family. I wish to feel this comfort, that not all will be on my head always.

            • mysterycoach says:

              You know, I go back and forth on this whole be alone thing. I’ve been so tired lately. I haven’t written about it though. Like my eyes are always tired and that wears me out. My body is okay, but my eyes are tired. Maybe it’s time for an eye exam or something I don’t know. Anyway, when I see and hear bad things, I think… alone is a good idea. When I surround myself with good things and I’m having a good day, I still have faith.

              Comfort and safety is very important in a relationship. I agree with you and it is hard to feel like it’s all on you. I understand.

  4. mysterycoach says:

    Reblogged this on MysteryCoach and commented:

    Oldie but still good :) From June, 2011

  5. Bassas Blog says:

    You should write a book.

    • mysterycoach says:

      OMG Honey… from your lips to the Universe’s ears. I have a draft … does that count? I’m making pages for that purpose actually. I have to have a better system in my computer for these things. I write them, I’m all happy with them and then “out of sight out of mind”. Thank you though… :)

  6. Rinth says:

    Wow that was a veeeery long post :P. Interesting though… I totally agree with your um… 17th paragraph I think. The one where you say that “this is the right guy” and then maybe it’s not… Relationships are tricky, and just like with life I have a hard time believing there is a single “general recipe” for all. I think you gotta figure your own recipe out. But yeah there are some things that can be applied to everyone, that is following your gut feeling. Not settling with “it should be right”, if it is right it will feel right as well :). Good post!

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