~ Patience ~ Because the prize is … Happiness? ~

I scrolled past a post this morning, there’s a fella who puts up psychology posts (shocking I’d know them right?) So, it was about narcissists. It’s a fairly old post, I haven’t muted it, so whenever someone clicks it or comments, I get a notification. It popped up again yesterday and a woman says she has just spent 22 years with this narcissist (prick) who exhibits “all the behaviors listed”.

I’ve wondered, from time to time, if perhaps I was doing something incredibly wrong in the sense where, I break up with and remove people who are not nice humans. I have not been able to find a person who understands, WTF I’m talking about insofar as a connection of two human beings, the way I’ve always felt it would work, since… what? Since I’m, I’d speculate teen years forward. I refuse to stay with someone who does not honor me as much as I would honor them. I didn’t understand like I do now, precisely what that meant, however I haven’t changed a whole lot and the thought process has become more defined.

Not for a lack of trying either. It’s not like I don’t explain it, ad nauseum at times and I can’t fathom, being in a relationship that’s not equal. Where you sooth one another, listen, morph together and not at the expense of blocking out the world or any fucked up controlling shit like that, you’re drawn to a person because you like them and it grows from there.

So, we hear “erry tiem” how relationships require work. Fair enough.
We hear, “take a risk”. Fair enough.
We hear, “you have to learn x, y, z to have a healthy relationship”. Also, fair enough.

The problem becomes when “You” (me) knows ones self better than the individual they’re with. It’s not to say we can’t be supportive of a person, that’s awesome. You can grow together. That would be cool right? However… I can not fathom, under any circumstance, spending 22 years with an individual, fucking them, living with them, dealing with them for 22 years who was “that” empty. That hurts, literally, hurts your entire being.

How is that soothing in any way? I mean, and some, will take medication because lolol they think it really “is them” with the problem and if you believe that please read the Dr. Medication Surprise ending post.

It could be you, you could have a history of being drawn to and/or attracted (same thing, to me) a particular type of person. I understand. You may quite literally, not realize you have this pattern of drawing in and/or relating to a particular type of person.

I get it. I understand. I told someone the other day, as to dating that all it takes for me is a phone conversation to decide if I’m going to meet a person. When I have met up with someone, it was me figuring “Well, okay, lemme just go and see”. That’s fine, blaaah, fucking blaaah. So, it’s like this, “Go on this date, blaaah, blaaah” that’s nice, truly and take a risk. Well, if I don’t literally have to leave the house, why would I go spend time with someone, eating a meal and not enjoying the experience?

A year or so ago, I’d thought, my god I’ve done everything backwards. Since then, if one is paying attention at all … who actually, is doing anything, in a manner conducive to “forward”. I can’t imagine spending all of that time with someone, sucking the life out of me, like I’ve seen people discuss. I realize that there are money constraints, children, doing the right thing, what will our friends and family think. I get it.

And, this is not about blame. Most people assume that in treating someone well, in the end, there will be happiness, love, that awesome relationship, etc., and I’m a huge fan. Maybe, it’s the regression of your loins. You know, meet them, see them, be enticed, they smell good, look good, they’re delicious. Me’be scruffy too :) Have your way with them, you have no idea who they are because your libido and attraction to them just fucking blew your brains out. Literally.

Yes, I know, sex is an important part of a relationship and if you thought that directly after what I just said in that last paragraph, minds meeting makes sex better. It’s like, making a choice about a partner because you can’t think past the haze of the sexual tension and/or attraction. Yessss I know, very enticing. I’m a fan :) Still…

In the end, your happy (but your hand on your chest) your happy is in here. And hopefully, just like me, you’ll meet a person who has your idea of happy. I wish that for you. And me :)

This is a rant due to seeing things and people saying how, their husband doesn’t touch them anymore, they’re not sexually active in their relationships anymore, they wish they’d have some attention paid to them and this is “both” sexes, not just men or women. It is BOTH. So, they go online and have those emotional needs filled by someone else. Makes them feel alive, I get that, I do… but, then I see short comments where they’re not truly happy where they are.

I would rather be by myself. I am. I was a little worried about me lately. I’m not anymore. It may come and go, the idea that its a possibility I won’t meet someone, however I would rather “not” meet someone, then meet the wrong someone.

It’s like there was this young fella at a deli I go to, way too young for me. He calls the other women (at least when I’m there) Miss and I’m “honey”. That’s cute :) then there’s that vibey thing. One morning I went in and got a sammich, I was playing on my phone, I saw him, didn’t say hello for no reason, just he was busy and I was playing on my phone. And then, said human had this tiny micro expression on his face, coupled with a brief tone in his voice like “Goood morning”… I was like DAYUM who even like… spoke to said human, like in any manner? It wasn’t me. Suffices to say, if they were older, that would not happen. Nope.

Doesn’t matter to me anymore what other people see and/or do not see. I see it. That’s enough for me. In any event, the focus is always on “you” it’s not selfish. It doesn’t mean you get all stupid, cocky, bitchy, self entitled and twatish or be a prick. It goes both ways. If you are with someone you love, go to counselling. Figure it out.

Yeah. I know. :) It must be me, yet… I keep coming back to the same phrase.

“It was nothing I’d done”. And I did all that inventory, thank you very much. Yes, mistake, poor choice, take a risk, didn’t think that through. Okay, that is something I’d done, because I hadn’t thought about it, all I knew was it felt bad and removed it. Well, naow, hopeful I’ll recognize it when I see it… feel it, etc., etc.,

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