KDaddy asked a good question:
“Which is worse, being emotionally manipulated or knowing that it can be done to you?”
Anyone can manipulate another human being. This being said, initially, we may not know we’re being manipulated. Sometimes that comes out, the longer we know someone and their pattern of behaviors have been established. What you need to learn as well, is what triggers you and has you responding to it, in the sense where you’re doing something, you may not want to, due to something that you’ve been through in the past.
Confusion is one of the tells (signs) that are the most significant and sometimes, this can be attributed to a poor communicator. The other signs are feelings of discomfort, little pangs in your gut that come and go based on the person’s behavior or who they appear to be “to everyone else”. Some are so good, you can’t prove it “at all” (it will come out later in various ways) however it’s there. The thing is, once others buy into what a person is doing because they want to see what “they” want to see and not what “you” truly see (blinders abound) it’s very difficult to get them to see anything of the kind in that person.
They already like them, they’ve possibly idealized them in some way, sooth themselves with who and what they think they see, the list is endless. Truly.
I prefer to ignore such things, most of the time, I do. However when you are involved with a person on any level who does these things, at some point and time, if I witness someone feeling badly or taken advantage of, I’m not going to stand idly by and watch that happen. And there are a myriad of ways people do these things to one another.
It goes off into other area’s, even the communication books I have here as to how people communicate and then real life experiences as to how smooth a person can be, the body language, the covert nonsense all compile over time.
So, the reality is, anyone can be manipulated. What you need to do is know yourselves well enough w/out assuming that it’s always you with the problem. Address the things that bother you, ask questions, really listen to the answers you get from a person, do you feel comfortable around or with them.
There is good manipulation and communication we have with others, which is more about redirecting a person to feel better about something the perceive in the world which is skewed in some way. I’m a huge fan of this, seeing people feel better, they’re lighter, they’re not carrying around crap from what someone else has done. That’s the most incredible tool there is.
Thomas was one of those narcissistic manipulators. If you’ve had, like me, experiences with people who do these things or lived in households that were dysfunctional, abusive, manipulative etc., hypervigilance is, to me, a natural side affect of these things and life experiences. It is not only subject to childhood though, it’s also related to other life experiences.
Even people who are aware of facial expressions, body language, etc., can become exhausted always having their system “on” like this. At work, I’m exhausted a lot sometimes, it’s a subconscious thing for me, intuition plays a big part as well as life experience. I think the thing that sucks the most is that we have to pay attention.
So really, I am aware of the things people can do. I simply find the behavior despicable. Always will, I’m not changing.
Can I ignore it. Absolutely, diverting someone back onto themselves isn’t that difficult, however the problem is with a person who is hell bent on doing whatever it is that they want to do? They just keep digging. I opt for removal of those people, I have no tolerance for it, nor do I want them around me.
Some people do such things because they don’t know any other way to get what they want. They can learn, some are open to more healthy and direct communication, that’s awesome. The others are not of “healthy” like mind where they want to come to mutual terms with someone or find what words. There are always variables and each relationship is different.
In the end, if YOU feel bad, that’s your answer. If you’re off balance, the conversations you have with a person is contradictory, if you’re confused, if you get pangs in your gut (intuition) … pay attention. It’s all relative. It’s also why you need to know yourselves well enough, so that you recognize when it’s an old wound or emotional trigger OR what this other person is doing.
A person is who they are… once they start something, once you’re not doing what they feel you should be doing, etc., and this nonsense starts, they’ll either be redirected w/clean communication, which is better… OR they try new things to get what they want. I believe that’s human nature anyway, to get and do what they want. Could be why so many people’s browser histories need to be deleted when they die too. Just a thought, however think about that. I’d rather be able to show someone all the funky shit I look up and there is SO much of it. lol
Personally? I prefer hanging out having conversations with people without all this bullshit going on. That is now how all human beings are designed. We have different backgrounds, life experiences etc., and the list goes on and on. This is a sloppy mess I’ve written, however you need to educate yourselves and if you’re doing it, cut that shit out.
So you know :) There are quite a lot of articulate, nice humans in the world.