~ Black Sheep of The Family #3 ~

A conversation prompted this one, from last week about another person, trickled down to the two of us. It was pleasant, they mentioned how they weren’t speaking to and/or were dealing with something themselves. To be fair, that’s why they said it, I respect that. In other words, instead of trying to fix me, they identified with the conversation as to what it meant for themselves. They were talking to me about a topic, it led to parents, the back and forth went on a bit. She said something to me, it was in question form, I advised them that, “my parents were the problem, not me.” My mind was flipping through pictures, memories etc., and landed on that statement. I remember because I was recalling them as I spoke. I was very stern about it too, my voice, my demeanor, my direct expression at the person. I went on to advise this person that, it was their “stuff” or problem (I forget) that made “them” do what “they” did and this had nothing to do with me.

Children, have no other reference point, other than the people who raised them. Children want to be loved, etc., and have their needs met. As I’ve gotten older, there’s a distinction that needs to be made as to whether it’s “really the child” with the problem OR the adult who is putting their life experience their garbage, their shit on the child which is making them… what?

The black sheep. Children react to their environments. Children come out wanting their needs met, they will do whatever that takes to get those needs met. Even if it’s behind their parents back, they know they’ll get into trouble later and as long as they don’t get caught, it’s all good. I did it, my brother and sister did it, I’m sure the parents did it when they were younger. Parents are a product of their environment as well and whatever they learned, will trickle down, in some way when they have kids. Some do better, some would never do certain things, others come up a few levels or down, depends on the individual.

Hearing these two people hurt my brother and sister disconnected wanting their approval. I didn’t like their behavior. When I was small, my mother was slapping my brother across the face “repeatedly” he was muttering under his breath because if he did anything, my father would give him double that later. He probably did anyway. I remember my brother had lumps on his forehead, I asked my mother what they were, she lied and said they were due to a fight he had in school. I didn’t believe her, went back downstairs, asked him. He said, “Daddy hit me”. Why? “Because I threw an ashtray at Mommy”. Oh. I went and played. I know why he threw the ashtray. I’m just saying… not what caused it, point being “who wouldn’t throw an ashtray at her”. So, she’s slapping his face, he’s muttering, I’m looking up and that’s when it clicked, in my head, when I was bigger, that’s not happening to me. You know you’re small and can’t defend yourself.

My brother has a high tolerance for pain actually. You couldn’t pay me to ever get into a fight with him, if I were a man. Not that I would, it’s just an observation, he was desensitized when he was a kid. My sister, was unsavable. There was a point she was doing well… after my father died, I think she went off the deep end again. I was just pissed he left me with such a mess to clean up, that as usual due to his stupidity, I was paying the price. Her experience and mine were way different in this regard as to connections with them.

It only took, plah number of years and I am a factor, certainly and not knowing certain things like I do now, things could have been a bit different. It’s like where I spend my days, new person there was like, this is an emotionally abusive environment. I agreed with her, however as I’ve mentioned, it doesn’t mean there’s better out there. She’s convinced there is, however I’m not so sure.

One very important thing, despite whether or not it’s something you’ve done, is the blame factor. They did what they did, they’re an asshole, they also went through something which trickled down and then, you were put through something and that, was not your fault. “It was nothing you’ve done” so if you carry that around, with you, in your life up through to the present, work on that because those neatly implanted life lessons will be repeated as you get older and you won’t realize it. I did it. No one else is above this. No one.

Interestingly enough, and only at work… I haven’t mentioned that, when I wasn’t working, I never had any wine at night. :) You know, with my ice cubes, so one glass w/o equals 2 glasses with ice. It sooths my system and I’m not taking those prescriptions I keep hearing and seeing everyone take. Oooh no. No thank you. Buring the body’s natural process, for coping with emotions and then when one goes off them… it what? Gleefully comes bubbling back to the surface? NOOOO thank you. I’m not even going to test this theory out. Nope, nope, nope.

I’m not condoning bad behavior by any human being. I don’t like it and I’m still fighting where I spend my day for those things. You can hear it in their voices, when they’re trying to change or address something, they’re not purely evil humans however the environment is emotionally damaging. The new person there was like, If I win the lottery, I’m giving you 50k so you can tell them exactly what you think and walk out. LOL :) That’s funny and sad at the same time. How one, goes on an interview and some were readily apparent, I didn’t take 2 jobs a while back because they were assholes, you sense this in people. I did wonder as unemployment ran out, if I shouldn’t have, that was a bit scary, however you “knew” they were going to be a handful based on their fucktarded behavior “during” the interview. It’s like… going on a date really. Why are YOU not assessing THEM to see what you’re going to be tolerating during the day? Hmmmm?

That’s pretty contradictory to say they’re not evil while they shift all the time like they do. More importantly, people who know them forever always say, nothing’s changed and that’s in 30 years. Interestingly enough, if someone I dated had this behavior, they would have been gone a long time ago. Which reminds me, I have a resume to send out. I’ll do that right after this. Screw that, I stopped and did it. :)

It’s right there. Actually, over the course of time, there have been … 4/5 positions wherein the bosses were utter assholes that I could see from the beginning. Back then, I wasn’t as good at sensing it, so why start something, when you already know. This one, they got over, there weren’t any signs “specifically” … until after I started. Good job human, good job. (No, not me, them)

I guess my point in all of this is, due to the actions of others, I find myself in same or similar situations all the time. I tried for different position last year, however with the skill set I have, they didn’t consider my resume, regardless of how well I worded the cover letter. Getting out of law specifically is not going to yield me a better environment specifically, I realize that. However I have had quite enough of volatile people.

I think my point initially was, we have a higher tolerance for some behaviors due to our upbringing. I think if I worked with calm rational people, I’d be surprised. I hear others who are pretty cool on the phone, however I don’t work for them and we don’t know if a person is truly a particular way, until we spend significant amounts of time with them, that’s when you see what they’re really like. I do have to get out from where I am though. I just sent out that resume, I’ll set up notifications as to others. Yesterday, my heart was palpitating. One of them is on good behavior because I’m indifferent. Of course I’m indifferent, you’re an imbecile. It’s utterly ridiculous that my indifference, due to their behavior, which I have addressed ad nauseum shifts their behavior. Why not try and be a normal human being instead? Rhetorical.

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