~ ugh ~

I have to get out of where I am every day. I have conversations with people ALL the time, that are rational, logical, no explosions, no rage, no emotional turmoil, none of that. I made a comment on a new person’s page the other day and I was nervous about how they’d respond … and guess what? It had nothing to do with them at all. My fears, had nothing to do with them at all. None of it. When I got a rational response, I was relieved. I said I liked these humans the other day, that I was fond of them. It was on a fairly good day and the only part of their personalities that I like is when they’re communicative.

They don’t listen. They finish your sentences for you, they assume what you’re going to say, they make excuses, they divert blame, they have horrible fucking energy. it was tolerable when it was one, now there’s two and I know they can’t help it, I don’t care. I almost cried on the spot the other day. It’s not my job to fix your fucking mess. I have so much anxiety in my system it’s not even remotely funny. It’s only going to get worse.

Insanity is going to the same place, every day, literally going there every day, knowing at some point and time, someone is going to do something that will make your senses explode. I tried the whole “oh push that off, it’s not your emotion shit”. That’s crap, I’m sorry… it just does not work for me.

I don’t want to be anyone’s keeper. I find it difficult to fathom that one person, wouldn’t help another, because “THEY” could get into trouble because of what they’ve done. That’s family? That’s what you aspire to be when you grow up? someone who won’t do, to me, what the right thing is to do, which is stand up for someone you claim to “love” because it could be to your own personal detriment? Really. It’s fucking mind boggling. I can see not wanting to stand up for someone if you’re in severe disagreement with them as to their actions. I get that. To stand down because you’re afraid of the ramifications TO YOU when the other party is doing the best they can with the information provided because you’re afraid of your shit getting exposed? Because you’re afraid of getting dragged through the mud. I get it, reputation is everything, isn’t it.

The worst part of it all is, the quiet insidious way, this has all seeped into my system. I realized, on Friday, just how bad it is. 3/5 days to process information for me. It doesn’t matter if one isn’t involved in it directly, it doesn’t matter if one is (I) am not getting in the middle. I’m hearing it, sensing it, processing it and more importantly I’m reacting to it in the sense where I’m walking on eggshells. The worst part, if that’s possible is that, I know that another environment will not yield different results. I don’t feel safe. I feel quietly threatened, who is going to explode, who is going to behave badly, who is going to divert shit, who’s going to have a rage attack, who is going to twist things around to suit their purposes, who is going to toss one another under a bus to save themselves and not take responsibility for themselves.

It’s a clusterfuck of bad energy. I’m highly sensitive to all of these things, I can only deflect so much and now there’s 2. Yes, time to go now. They asked me to work with the one, so I can help them. how the fuck is that my responsibility to achieve what you failed at? That’s not my job. That’s the mess they created. Oh and “I” can tell them this that or the other thing. No. Fix your shit. None of it has anything to do with me. The funny part is how those who do see the behavior, we all look at one another knowingly, because it’s RIGHT THERE. It’s too much. You don’t get a prize in life for knowing how to deal with certain people. There is no prize for that, it’s all about survival of the fittest in this type of environment. The married guy who suggested he help me scratch any itch I have (thanx) are you stupid? They know what they do. I’ve had enough. Reminder to self: It’s not what “I” see on the inside that counts, it’s the person on the outside that I’m dealing with.” Fuck your layers jerk off. It gives you no right to be a fucking twat.

I’ve been smoking like a fiend, nibbling constantly at my fingers, I have wine w/ice cubes (cuz it’s less that way, I like to pay attention to alcohol consumption) to sooth myself when I go home at night because the lulz aren’t enough. I have to get out of this field. Since I moved x number of years ago, it’s been horrible. I mean, I know more now about certain things, so that’s part of it as well, however since I moved back to where I grew up, that area? The mentalities are fucking horrible. Maybe it’s because I know more now about human behavior etc., that’s a possibility too. I can’t do this shith no more. They’ve all fucking nuts and they’re killing me, one fucktarded thing at a time. Where does this shit go? If I focus really hard, I can sidestep the emotions, but that does not last very long at all. It comes back up to be dealt with. It’s just too fucking much. I have stress pangs in my body, my left side goes numb, it’s numb now. My face, the left side burns venting about it. There’s no door prize in life for being able to deflect bad behavior, not like this.

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