I closed this blog due to fear, not due to this situation. Something else came up on another level. It wasn’t warranted really. I did it anyway. You see, despite the fact that I’ve met some amazing people since this catfish garbage that I had here with said human who is the highlight of these catfish posts, I’m still afraid. For me, it was a much bigger emotional hit than anyone can imagine. Or, maybe you can.
While looking for pedophiles a few weeks ago, this new information came to me, a nerve was triggered, it drove me back here. To this situation where I asked, someone I trusted, to reveal himself to me. This person who claimed, I made him feel valued. Yes, that guy.
So, as it went, I was busy doing my thing, myself and someone else were looking for pedophiles, the nerve was struck and I found myself looking into, who I thought was my friends whereabouts. How were they? Why on earth, would I do that. Well… because I valued them, truth be told I miss their cranium at times. They had that quick snap I liked, despite the very real fact that what they did, to me, is and was, unconscionable. So, I looked them up. It’s not hard, they still have a page, not this site. A new one. That was more comfortable to me because it was a new venue and in my own way, I read and caught up with how they are. They’re fine. They even started it the same exact way as the one on here, with a test post. I grinned at the screen at that point. Then I wondered… do they know they do that? Doesn’t matter.
I read the entire thing. And for… my goodness, more time than anyone would fathom spending on anyone who hurt them, as deeply as this person hurt me, I thought about the advise I could give them. Initially, I was tickled to death for their perceived happiness. I thought at the end of reading it all, they were still lying to themselves and kind of in the same place as when we last spoke. Because, they’re seemingly making the same mistakes as before. Who am I. It’s not my life. I see it though. It was right there. It was why I liked them actually. I didn’t say many things I could have back then. Primarily because, I made an assumption not based on fact, based on the manner in which they siphoned through information they applied to myself, that they would apply it to themselves. I struggled with making a comment. It wouldn’t even have been cruel in any way. I’m not like that. I would have to live with myself, they can live with themselves after the garbage they pulled however I wouldn’t like it, primarily because it was nothing I’d done. They did it.
As I chomped at the bit to leave unsolicited advise… I thought about, how … I didn’t matter. How they did nothing to remedy how I felt when I asked them for a picture (this is not up for discussion BTW, you weren’t there. Read the entire story, thank you.) nor contact me directly. You see, they could have. I had a number of people’s phone numbers on here and I’ve spoken to some. He had mine as well. It was given to him in a moment where he was all open, at least I felt it. It was New Years Eve, he was all kinds of … open via email, back and forth and that was unusual. I was SO happy! I sent him my number. He had a car accident new years eve, that was/is public knowledge because he disappeared, due to injuries he sustained. I did not know this via a private conversation we had and as I’ve referenced before, private conversations were to be kept private and I have. At that time I pretended, it didn’t matter when they disappeared, I had no idea what happened, until a post some weeks later about the accident. However those who followed my blog, read a post I made at the time, wherein I missed my friend. Then I thought how much of a coward I thought I was for not sending an email and so, I did. It was received well.
I thought about how, after I read everything on the new blog, how nothing really changed in their head. Then I laughed because, if you look that psychologist Skinner up, you have no justification in life, making any assessment of another human being, without assessing your own situation first. In many ways, he’s moved forward, yet remains the same. Me too. At least he’s healthy and seems to be doing fine, including but not limited to his new found honesty. That made me snort when I read it, that’s he’s being honest. At minimum, it should start with ones self. “I don’t want this” is a pretty profound thing to say to one’s self. Lie if you like, however moving forward after thinking something like that is a recipe for disaster. I know.
Recently, I’ve been having all kind of relationship conversations, growing closer to many people I’ve met and they are… very, very nice people. Just like on here. I entertain laughter on my page, it sooths me, I need it. Every now and then though, I miss my friend. They tell you, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. I think that’s retarded. I do believe that support is important, so we heal. Some things take longer than others.
My dinner is done now. My initial idea in this was to write about all the conversations I’ve been having revolving relationships. Primarily, other peoples and the ideas of same, who is healing, who recently broke up and… in these discussions, one must be careful not to … assume too much. Meaning, I’m highly easy to talk to. I think, so do they and this is a ginormous compliment. :) Indeed.
At the same time, it is, my job… truly, to realize the levels in which a person opens up to me, does not mean that, they are now single and fair game. You see what I’m saying? I hope so. Some would, I do not think that way. It’s a possibility at times that to have an opportunist mindset from time to time, happens, however … I don’t feel it’s fair to anyone. Not in infancy stages of things. No, not really.
Oh and uhm… I believe, no one should assume that they are unfindable. I’ll leave it at that. ;) Now, I’m going to go eat, since I’ve gotten this all off my chest. I feel better… yes, I do actually.