~ It’s AWN NAOW ~

First, a small story that flew to mind today when I was a child. I had a quicker temper as I reached my teen years. However, I remembered this girl who lived up the block from me. We were in some summer school thing together. She was annoying. She kept busting my chops and I’d say “stop it”. I guess under 8 is a good age range. Anyway. I haven’t changed a whole lot since grammar school and why should I? I have… I’m merely saying that all human beings do not require the same treatment. So, I said to this annoying human, “If you bother me one more time, I’m going to stab you with this pencil”.

Kids. She did. Mistake.

I poked that girl in the arm with a quick jab a Samurai warrior would be proud of. Oooh she screamed! haaa! Yeah, that was funny. It’s not like I didn’t warn her a couple/few times. Off she went, screaming to the teacher and I said… O.O bu… bu… it was an accident. O.O Fast forward approximately 40 years. How to set a boundary in ONE swift movement? Stab bitches with a pencil.

I still warn people. Got into all that coachy shit, learned about psychology, nice communication skills (have to review those some more for teh noice peeps, it’s truly invaluable), practice and law firms (fuuukk) and life and people. You get the idea. This is nothing I don’t know about myself insofar as the point where I snap and then all hell breaks loose. Literally speaking, they’ve asked for it because I’ve run out of resources.

Oh! Before I continue on with the SHIT lemme share something really sweet. Because I need to vent about the shit, however there are very nice things going on too. One of them was this young lady, put up a post with my name on it with the following picture thingy on it. I’ve been so stressed and not to mention others who tag me in cool things, that’s nice too. You know, cool person, person they like, sessay… it’s so neat I can’t play those because I miss so many people to tag. They all have something I like. I find it difficult. I think the thing that surprised me the most is the manner in which people view me. I’m feeling all out of sorts and she see’s this, said she thought of me the minute she saw it. I have to say, I sure as fuck do not feel like this …

gina

This morning someone called and confirmed they were coming into the office. WTF? I confirmed nothing. The anxiety heightened (because I was afraid of an explosion) and I advised AB that this person called and I was going to set it straight. They’d called last week, however I did not confirm anything. I call, I speak to someone, the letters fly back and forth at the instruction of AB and that wasn’t necessary really but they made me sign it. I was okay with the content, they did not literally “make” me, they dictated it. HOWEVER KNOW THIS this was their way of diverting the responsibility from themselves onto me. We on the same page now? Good. I realized this later.

I have no problem with confirming anything but the other side had information I did not. NOW all of this other information was irrelevant. The core issue was this girl, for whatever reason, called my office WITHOUT a response from ME and said they were coming. Uh… No. I called said person later on and addressed this directly, she and I are on the same page now. I’m not having AB’s stuff affect my working relationship with others. So, prior I go in and say something to him and FUCKING BAM! He explodes, the intestines fly out of his face (have a good weekend with your family? WTF?)

I was also afraid under the surface because all this shit is … old fucking shit, from their past behavior, not to mention numerous years with these types of humans. Where you have this anxiety/fear that if this other person hears you, then all hell will break loose again and for no fucking reason other than their tantrum and lack of emotional control, diversion of responsibility and nonsense.

Suffices to say, it was AWN … back and forth while he tried to tell me how “I” don’t know anything and how did “I” have this go on, yatta yatta… well… Orly? I gotta tell ya… a scorpion couldn’t have had the expression I did. And OFF we went. I mean… we’re talking them badgering me trying to blame me for something which was completely irrelevant to the circumstances at hand. Side note: I so sound like a guy when I’m pissed. My voice gets deeper and more forceful. None of that shrill shit, drill sergeant shit and if I’m there, you asked for it and I’m going to let you have it fuck face.

Lemme include here that, to hold one’s own, in times like this is not something that I would want to see a person have to do on the regular. Unless they are truly capable of letting it roll off, I’m not. My entire body was numb, I was livid. I was so fucking angry, I was shaking, numb and shaking… and I’m sorry, I don’t give a fuck who you are, you’re not making me back down. You can suck my dick asshole.

The other day, I said this person was fond of me. I’m right. After the fucking unnecessary fight, I am truly a worth opponent and I tell you… it’s nothing that I want to do, I know I am, however I fail to see the necessity in this. Seriously. So… he says, something like… I love ya you know that… I forget what I said however I assure you it was prolly …OH! I said, “I can see that”… or… fuck, I forget :)

The biting sarcasm when this stuff comes up is getting deeper from me, I can live with it because it’s all truth and there is no diversion. Fuck this shit, if I’m getting fired over time? What goes in must come out… I don’t care if they’re “FINE” afterwards. I am not fine. Later on in the day I had to file something and it was fucked up and something the person I was speaking to the other day came up in my head about the blurred lines of boundaries within said people. Coupled up with that show and it’s reminders of last night… I was like. Yeah.

The other day I was talking about the laughs because so many others identify with what I go through, not only here but in law firms and … today it hit me, it’s like the illusion club of hilarity wherein you’re like a part of this exclusive club because you are above it all in some way because everyone “gets it” and just today another person said the same thing to me. It’s very validating, I don’t “really” need that however it’s like, you have this illusion some how that within this severely dysfunctional profession there’s this… evil support group and you’re all in it together but no one gets out and … I uhm… I would like to. :) It’s interesting. It sucks. Interesting just the same.

So the question becomes how do all us support staff get these assholes to behave? Mind you, I have had some attorneys who were cool. I have. It’s just the last 10 fucking years man. And some a bit prior, I’ve been in it for 25 years now that’s a long time. So…

Anyway, today it’s like… I picture frothing at the mouth soon, from me, with the sarcasm, the things I see and … naw… I’m not one to dig too deeply. The truth is enough and even then, just like, till the holidays are over and shit.

Do men and women who have explosive behaviors, like these types of people realize how volatile they are? Prolly not… they’ll twist it to make it YOUR fault and guess what?

It’s nothing I’ve done. Again, this shit is starting to irritate me. There is no reason to make me feel that afraid due to YOUR actions or lack thereof. I deal with a fuckload of people on a daily basis who are communicative and a pleasure to speak with. It’s awn. If I’m getting fired? When I go? I’ll have that whole self righteous indignation shit going on.

hello world, how about some personal fucking integrity? Thank you.

Have a good night, where ever you are. Be good to each other.

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