If you view the picture to the left here, you’ll see how my mind was yesterday when I had the opportunity to allow said person to vent about their situation. Allow meaning, no family members were around to interrupt and we were alone in the office. I was asked by someone else, if I would help, however I’m not doing it for them, I’m doing it for said “individual” and certainly for the kids. Who will, at some point, have to deal with this directly. Which is horrible. However, baby steps. The person I’m talking to is soft spoken. Even when they vent they’re the extreme opposite of said parent who explodes. Don’t explain it to me, I get it. Thank you.
So, this nice person came into the office and we were talking about their paperwork. They began venting over the whole situation, I feel bad about the whole thing. Never tell me men don’t vent, (STFU) venting is excellent for ALL human beings and is NOT gender related. They know how I feel about the situation, I’ve chosen my words very carefully when I have discussed it. We/You/I are not going to see something or absorb it until we are ready to, even if it’s hurting us and even THEN to fathom that this “thing” has been happening, to us, in our life… STILL can take time to reconcile in our mind as to what and who we are truly dealing with. The mind is kind and somewhat foolish, I’ve been there. I understand it. The frustrating part of course, even in myself, is when someone else see’s it and knowing that it will take time for the other person to see it because they are emotionally involved and not ready yet.
It goes along the lines of someone gave you advise plah amount of time ago, you heard it, continued on. You hear it again, you carry on and then at some point, the first person who told you hears and/or see’s you listening “to this new person” and they’ll say something like… But how come when I TOLD YOU you didn’t listen to me? They heard you… they simply weren’t ready to accept it yet. It’s not particularly personal, it’s just that sometimes the person you are speaking to isn’t ready to hear it yet. Someone did say this to me about this situation as well… my response is always the same. They’ll say/have said, “They’re listening to you more than me”. Point one: this person heard everyone, they weren’t ready yet. Point two, which is important was/is my response (which I’ve said numerous times) “I didn’t grow up with them and/or I’m not their parent”. I have no parent child relationship with them, I have no true history with them, I am an unbiased human being who has shared my thoughts, as carefully as possible (sometimes not) with this person and sometimes this is what a person needs. If you want someone to listen or shift, if the resistance in them is based on your past relationship it’s not that hard to realize that this person will resist A LOT of what you’re saying. They hear you though… Me’be you need to give them time. How much time they will take to see what you do can be frustrating. Understand though they’re emotionally involved and they have to come to it on their own. Just like me and just like you.
In this particular instance, I have the absolute wonderful advantage of having been around everyone involved. The way everyone acts, behaves, speaks to one another, manipulates, the why of it all. When this person began venting, it was easy to for my brain to start firing off “the why” of it all. All these things I’ve heard and seen over the past number of months, based on what I’ve absorbed came up in a neat, tidy package. (THAT is so FUCKING COOL!!! LOL) So they’d vent, I’d ask a couple questions, they’d glaze over (that’s them thinking) … me’be come back a little bit as their mind gave them more instances, I’d listen, ask another question, they’d think some more…
It’s not about me but when you start seeing someone who is realizing things, I found it slightlydifficult to not gallop in there and lay it out flat. Instead I asked the questions so they would think about it on their own. Not too much, that’s a lot of shit to absorb and they’re contending with enough. As they spoke, I saw how it’s very true, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree and while there are variables the most important information I had was the manner in which they were raised. It’s not about blame or pitting one person against the other as to their family or upbringing. Although it is directly related.
It’s about them realizing “slowly” how they can improve “themselves” in order to set the appropriate boundaries and see what’s really going on in their own life. Blinders off hurts, I know that and it’s no different from you or me.
There are incredible dynamics here (as always) and these are the things that I brushed lightly on. One doesn’t want to rip a group apart that’s a tightrope. If you push too hard, things that are buried the person who is venting may not be aware of yet, could cause more of a problem for them. The simple reason is due to the fact that they don’t realize why they do the things they do. Translation: One wants them to move forward, not wreak more havoc digging things up which made them who they are today, the focus has to be on themselves and how they will proceed forward. It WILL spread to all of their relationships. I know why (yes bone head, focusing on how is good, I knew that, the why is very important though) this person needs to absorb how to work through it. The why is something I will keep to myself, it’s not necessary to bring it up. Some things were usable as an example but ONLY when said person referenced them.
Uhm… wasn’t I going to stay out of this? Yup. I’m not because? Because … sigh. IT’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE! WHY YOU NO SEE IT! How can I walk away, stay shut and not DO something when I know I can and it will help. I also realize it could turn out quite badly for me. Literally. I can’t sit idly by and do nothing when I see so much I can do something with. I remember in turn with each person, I’ve asked particular questions and yesterday I suggested/asked this person if they felt a particular emotion… they were like, “no..” then… well, yeah… and then we moved forward from there. This is the healthy diversion, so you know.
SO MUCH energy coming off of this person. WOW … I didn’t expect it. It’s good for them. That’s the kind of normal venting that is healthy. A lot of energy though, my goodness and it’s so cool. This is not a stress related explosion or diversion of responsibility thing, this was more like the emotions from a person who is frustrated etc., etc., Not once did someone’s intestines fly out and hit me in the face.
Enough about such things. It’s like when a person is confused, look at this individual who is doing something to you, remove all emotional attachment (I can do that now, it feels like complete and utter shit. You’ve been warned) and ask yourself if this were a stranger … would you tolerate this behavior?
In the end, the very real truth in all of this is, people are going to do what works. They’re very creative however if what you’re doing isn’t enhancing your relationships, why are you doing it? More importantly, are you open to making these changes? I am… in that healthy way, not in the diversionary cunt way.
Have a good day, where ever you are and be good to each other.