~ smh … snapped ~

Snapped awake this morning as usual. That’s been happening a while and the first thing I think about is work. When I first started based on said yelling which used to be worse at one point, no don’t go there as to anything getting better. The situation merely changed, that’s the only reason. Based on anger boy’s yelling I drempt about not getting to the work. Another woman who I recently spoke to is using him for a case and we were kidding back and forth, she mentioned she used to have dreams about it when she worked there too and yet… they still come back. Me’be there’s a financial break of some kind or a familiarity … doesn’t matter. It’s simply incredible.

I remember reading something someone wrote one time, had nothing to do with me however it was about … fuck, (not it wasn’t about fucking lol) it was about someone’s station in life or career and how they’re supposed to do better for themselves but the world keeps them in a particular place. I remember when I read that how bad I felt because it’s true. I “could” go to school for something else, I’ve even asked when I was on unemployment. They said I have a skill set and, No. I went and asked a girl also in unemployment about getting help for learning things, she looked at me, assessed that I was too bright for that, she said…No. No no that’s not speculation at all.

I know a lot of nice people, however the goal would be to have a job where they’re like that. Anyone who owns a company needs to have training as to how to treat others with respect. I’m a firm believer in that. I have another book here called Truth, Trust and the Bottom line and it discussed how to be “PEOPLE” fucking oriented. Let’s face it when people start doing things and the resentment starts setting in or other things, something’s wrong. Albeit, some are fucked up to begin with they have a sense of entitlement and their attitude sucks overall. I’ve met them too. There are two firms I would go back to, given the opportunity. They’re too far away since I’ve moved. They weren’t like that specifically. Well the one office manager was a … loon but I didn’t have to deal with her directly. lolol she used to talk to me and I’d just block her out with this interested look in my face. Primarily because I’d ask her a question and I’d get the history of whatever it was and I really didn’t need all of that. My friend used to laugh at me because she’d see me glaze over and she’s be like, did you hear her? I was like no, she answered me in the first 3 minutes. lolol Man we useta laugh.

Looked in the want ads, nothing. It’s not 6 am so nothing new will be there either. Oh, I haven’t checked this other site! Dugh. :) All weekend I forced myself to do something, even something small. Wash the car, get my hair cut, go to the store vs. secluding myself in the house w/o doing anything. That’s been going on for a while and it’s directly related to all the pressure I’m under. I refuse to be put on medication for anxiety due to some assholes behavior. Some would be all like well… you’re all strong and shit! Yeah… however, who wants to be that strong?

I remember some secretaries with volatile bosses I’d speak to and you’d hear that snap in their voice wherein they were like “I showed them” and it’s like…well, why the fuck would we have to show anyone anything when that person is the asshole? So the challenge is teaching a boss how to be a human being while they do whatever the fuck they want and the employees are at their mercy because they need the job. I find this to be fucked up. Imagine a world where people like this would be put in their place? When I was younger I was sexually harrassed by this one guy, my manager said report him, I made a list and went above his head. It’s not like that every where, yes it did stop thereafter, he must have really gotten reamed. Not every place has a HR department and someone’s head to go over, otherwise I would.

There are no remedies for this kind of thing, you either suck it up or you leave. Again, if you saw my resume, you’d be like well YOU are the one with the problem, have no longevity and are unemployable. I still get hired, that’s not my point. Is it. So, I look bad because I want to improve my environment, my salary, etc., and I look like the problem? That really bites my ass. So I get to go and sit through more interrogating interviews where they look at me like “that” and all the while, they could be putting me with some asshole who is identical to the one I left.

If I work from home, providing I found someone like that, (the other guy fell through) I have no health insurance. lol So the reality is, I have to literally suck it up and deal with it until I can find something else. I remember after leaving one place, I did a motion and it was the severely narcissistic guy, so I did a motion for the new one and he said it was fine. How sad is it that I almost burst into tears? I almost burst into tears because the other person’s behavior was to rip anything I did apart to make me feel small, literally on purpose. I almost burst into tears because that’s one of those moments in life where the pain from something demoralizing is in your face and you realize, you’re not dealing with “that” anymore. You’re relieved and that’s a point where you heal from what someone else has done. The fear and anxiety from someone else’s behavior sits neatly in our system. It’s why some are so defensive. Neatly little implanted triggers sit quietly in your body until something else happens to revive it. I literally got all misty and left his office. I won LOTS of motions there. :) Normal ones whatever but that’ snot my point.

The definition of insanity is going to a place, knowing that at some point and without warning the person you’re around 8 hours a day is going to snap their noodle. That’s insanity. I’m exhausted already. but HEY! I have a job! O.o smh

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2 Responses to ~ smh … snapped ~

  1. TikkTok says:

    And this is the kind of stuff that sticks with you. It’s damaging, and I think they know it. They need to be taught it’s not acceptable amd has consequences. Hard for that to happen if it’s the boss, though.

    • Mystery says:

      He absolutely knows what he’s doing. Today I were heels so I could be eye level, I have to remind myself to stand up when he starts in. It won’t change anything not over the long term anyway. Its just some stupid tactic. He’s not supposed ti ve in until later anyway. It’s one of those situations where rationalizations are made because there’s good and bad behavior.
      I’m done with all of that for rhe remaining time I’m there.

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