I’m a fan of talking to air. :) Meaning, when I’m frustrated and/or bothered by something I can’t reconcile or need to do something about, out loud I’ll say stuff like, “Are you kidding me?” or “Come on now, this is ridiculous, I could use a little help here”. I’m not religious however I do think there’s something going on in the world, the universe which we may not quite be able to explain. I wish I wrote down all the times I’ve done or said it and then something happened, however for now I’ll just go with this coincidence. I don’t really believe in coincidence either and I lean rather heavily towards things coming to us for a reason, although I do not believe we bring certain things on ourselves intentionally or because we’re oh so bad of a human being. I also further don’t think we draw things to ourselves to learn a lesson because so many things that I’ve been through were situational and one can’t possibly predict how someone else will change.
Anyway, this having been said. Not related to the above the stress from this shit has aged me. It shows in my face. I am getting older, that’s not what this garbage does to a person. I mean I look tired by the end of the week and I am. It drains me. I mentioned I was thinking the past couple of days how to NOT feel this person’s shit in my system. I mean one day they were over there on the other side of their office, they were looking for something, I was helping. Again, red faced, yelling saying shit like, “I’m going to lose it!!!” Oh, wait, it was nothing I’d done, nor is it EVER anything I’ve done, so you know. They misplaced something again and blamed me. It’s the natural way of things with this person’s head based on the trigger that sets them off and they will NEVER take responsibility for it UNLESS they are on the cusp of the tantrum and whatever they need is found prior to them going full bore. Get it? Good.
Friday night I was in a fairly large horrid mood. I was angry, disgusted, etc., as I always amafter a week with this person where they’re like that. I went on my playground and there’s this thing called trolling people do. There’s this group of people who can not stand one another and the barbs and comments back and forth, initially when I saw them I was like … O.O ooooh!!! Holy shit! They are master snappy comment curse insult humans, I gotta tell ya. It used to make me feel uncomfortable however now I’m desensitized to it. Meaning, I was reading this person (they’re not a nice human) page and there they were going back and forth with the insults and… my mood changed and I started laughing at the comments. They’re very creative, I gotta tell ya. It’s not funny, it really isn’t HOWEVER here I was, reading it and my emotional state changed.
It was very, very interesting. Well, reading that and some puppy pictures and some jokes and comments from people I do like was also very helpful. :) BUT the way the people on this page were going at it, there’s a thing people do during an argument. lolol OMG they write “Popcorn” in the middle of a thread because … it’s like entertainment. Like Eddie Murphy, Richard Prior, Dice Man and whatever other foul mouthed funny fucking comedian there is in the world. BUT my mood changed within, I would say 3/5 minutes reading it.
There’s a difference in the fact that they’re yelling at one another not me however my point is, certain things don’t frighten me at all. I’d said yesterday anger an arguing I could care less, it’s the backlash of severe rage and the temper tantrums out of no where that get me, so for the duration of my time there (however long that’s going to be) how can I do THAT and not feel a thing? I remember one day this guy was on my page and said something about how I never saw their stuff and they were going now. I thought… huh? (insert inquisitive expression here) I thought, okay what do they put up? Went to their page, they didn’t put much shit up and with the number of people in my circles, there was no way. So, I went about my way of doing things and said how there was no way I could possibly see as they posted so small. I mean, dugh. Not even yelling about it nor was I bothered, I figure… meh, lemme see. I went to bed thereafter and apparently this guy kept being a dick, I missed all the comments because he deleted them himself however two of my friends ripped this guy such a new asshole, when I came on in the morning? I was reading this long line of comments and WTF happened here!? I wasn’t even awake yet and watching these two fellas tell this guy off was so funny! Incredible wit and sarcasm all tied in like musical notes to play the song of butthurt. lolol I thought that was sweet, them sticking up for me like that. Awwwwww :) You see? Teh noice peoplez :)
It’s pure poetry. I must learn that skill, I go after teh brainz. I indulged in said trolling once after a bad week with said anger boy. It was accidental and in this instance I saw it from the beginning what this guy did? They’d done some despicable shit prior that I’d seen as well and then what they’d done that day was perfect. You see? You need to use psychology for GOOD ! :) Meaning, redirecting anger is very healthy for you! It’s a lovely release to let some asshole have it vs. having to suck it up and let him have it (along with everyone else who was on his ass and saw it) is very healthy for you. I don’t suggest that one should just go around being angry and lashing out irrationally at everyone, that’s not nice. No really, if I can behave myself, so you can you.
My point is that, one can go in a different place in their head. I like that, that’s what I want for the remainder of my time at this place. It doesn’t get in, although I’m not sure with ragaholic if that would work as a specific remedy. I did however find the shift in my emotional state very interesting. Maybe it was because I was seeing something wherein someone was saying the very thing they wanted to, at the person they wanted to and it was soothing. Because I can’t say the very thing I want to, when I want to, in the moment I want to because I have adult responsibilities.
Anyway, so moving forward with not really believing in coincidences, after I pulled out the book on verbally abusive relationships and read that, started blogging and stuff, this other book I noticed was on the floor. It didn’t fall out … it’s okay you can laugh, I don’t mind. It didn’t fall out when I pulled the other book out, so I pick it up (It’s been there about 10 years or more, I’ve forgotten all about it) and it’s called “The Pleasure Zone” and it’s all about emotions and how they affect us. I have it tabbed in different places for the things that I felt were important and one of the tabs was by adrenaline rushes and endorphines and such. It included ragaholics and then how the adrenaline junkie combined with rage always crashes but something is missing and they recreated it, so they feel alive (preconditioning I say) being angry or when things get to them (my additional interpretation) and if they could divert themselves to the feel good rush it would be better. This is not what I’m dealing with specifically, I’m dealing with fright or flight and that adrenaline rush, not to mention all the other emotions.
I WANT TO BE CLEAR WHEN I SAY, IF I COULD WALK OUT THE DOOR, WITHOUT ANY FINANCIAL RAMIFICATIONS, I WOULD NOT BE TALKING ABOUT THIS AT ALL. I would have shit them out already, kicked dirt over them and be done with it already. Are we clear? Good. It’s all about me, I can not continue to be buried emotionally and mentally like this by another human being and if I can find that ONE thing to turn it off, that would be cool. There is a downside to turning things off because emotions are your warning system. They express fear and other things which one should never ignore, they’re your bodies way of advising you of something that makes you feel uncomfortable or goes against you or that you have to pay attention to it and DO SOMETHING. Not all humans respond to love and kindness as they say. It just doesn’t work that way. I wish it would? My system would be much better and I wouldn’t have these reactions which are harmful to ME… I suspect with my body language they may be assuming that they can do it. They’re misreading me and very badly. We’ll leave that alone right now.
It’s incredible the things they say which in some way, would have some people feeling indebted to them. I’m not of that mindset. This is something you’re doing for YOU assfucker, you do it because you seem like this great person and it soothes YOU not me. It’s helpful to me but the idea that I’m going to be indebted to them in any way? LOLOL That’s another big fucking mistake. That shit’s so old it does not work. That doesn’t actually make me feel anything, it’s just like… uh huh. Okay, I’m a little wrong because a few instances just popped into my head.
So the book. I was reading the pages I’d tabbed specifically for me, it’s excellent. And I realized where I got the idea to watch action movies. I do it all the time, I like them first off, because the bad guy always gets it and I’m a fan of that. Based on my upbringing and everything that transpired in my life, sometimes when things are too calm, I feel funny… something is missing and while I never did start a fight with intent, it was almost as if you can feel the missing adrenaline rush of something NOT being right. Identifying this, rather than fuck up my day or whatever, I’d watch an action movie. It’s also pretty good for diverting anger from a boss or someone you hate because it’s an outlet. In this manner YOU get to alleviate that shit, until such time as you get rid of the person who is causing it in real life and don’t do something stupid you’ll regret. Some people work out, some people meditate, etc., etc., the breathing things I have to work on because when this boy gets like this, I go numb. Suppressing this shit is very bad for you. I’m not saying that you need to get up and bitch slap a person, I am saying GTFO as quickly as humanely possible.
Why u no find this interesting that, this book after all this time, just happened to fall to the floor? It’s okay, I certainly don’t expect someone to have the same beliefs about such things, it simply happens all the time with various things. I’m used to it and more importantly whatever the hell said unexplained things are about? I’ll take it.
I’ll give you an example of being desensitized. Cursing is prevalent in trolling so someone cursed at me the other day, it was a test to see what I’d do. I laughed so hard!! I was like, that’s all you got? They were just testing me, meh. lol This other young lady? MY goodness they can string a paragraph of curses together that puts the boys to shame! She’s a sweetheart. She really is and this goes to my saying yesterday how anger/cursing all that nonsense, that doesn’t get to me at all. The underlying rage and intent of a person, the way that travels outward from them with the manipulation included is incredible. Straight forward fuck you stuff… not so much. Taking your shit out on me? Nooo, that will not be tolerated either. I mean the initial thing where it’s like… what? but if you pay attention you can see and with experience, whose just a nice person with a foul mouth and it’s how they communicate at times but they’re really nice. Some don’t curse at all, it’s a thing for some. Like I said yesterday, I appreciate a person coming across from a sense of integrity, they’re strong willed, they’re a decent human being, they are who they are. I respect that.
Anyway, holy fuck I think this is the longest post I’ve ever made. It’s good for me, it has tocome out to clear my head. I wanna know how to get that feeling I had, instantaneously until I move on. Not to mention the other benefits, emotionally and mentally. Like, I would like to know if those who say “just let it roll off” have been in my shoes wherein it simply does not roll off. Me’be they don’t have the same triggers and if they DO … and they can let it roll off? Remember I’m an empath (so is everyone else, they simply don’t realize it and it comes in different degrees as to each individual) so that’s not an easy thing, not for an extended period of time and with people like this, as you relax because they’re on good behavior that’s when they rip the rug out from under your feet. They sense it, it’s not NORMAL for THEM and … fuck, there they go again. In some cases if you don’t respond, they just keep coming until they see you crack or get the response they want. I get this, I understand it. Again though… I have absolutely no desire to be around such fuck nuttery in my life. This isn’t about acting like a jerkoff either. This is about cleaning out those in your life who are not on the same page. I know LOTS of decent human beings who lose their temper and all that shit … and they don’t do this shit. So you understand, there’s THIS SHIT and there’s the normal alleviation of things people do. This is not normal. And guess what? :)
It’s nothing I’ve done. <— I really like this. Psychology teaches people how to reframe things and I love that, I do it as often as possible however it does not mean it's YOUR fault. Although people like this will try to make it your fault. It's not. They are the one with the problem, you don't reframe this type of person, it's who they are. You get away from them. To be more clear, the rage this person puts out, frightens me. They scare me, literally scare me … I don’t like being afraid.
Him or anyone else has no right or justifiable cause to make me feel afraid like this. I don’t do fear and I do not like when someone assumes that they can do such things. The fact that I have to suppress ANYTHING because of them? Man… I can talk all I want about it, alleviate it, blah fucking blah. Humans like this should be corraled and put away some place where they can kill each other off. We could do an entire reality show on it. I’m sure the ratings would be ginormous. Oh, wait… they already HAVE reality shows like this. What was I thinking?
They have no right to make me feel afraid. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be looking at job openings.