~ Day 1 of Processing ~

Yesterday I realized that I was using the wrong methods to deal with said human. Read some more this morning. Le’Yuck.

When I went in this morning, the new person who is very nice, was … like a scared rabbit. I do not know what he said to her, however her odd out of character behavior prompted me to ask her if she was okay. I don’t care if she had stuff to do, I’m not oh so sensitive in that manner. Her face, her body language, her intent focus … that wasn’t the same person. I can’t even imagine what he said to her before I got in there. It must have been something incredible.

See, here’s what happens, he covertly manipulates a person in the manner in which he speaks to them. When the person is fuck all petrified or afraid NOT to leave before they’ve finished something, he’s a nice guy. Oooh don’t forget you have to leave, don’t you have to go now? Oh come now, how do I know. It’s been done to me. Oh yeah and when I have had the time, I could care less about finishing something with that whole Devil Wears Prada work ethic idea I have. It’s the control it’s the manipulation that seats itself in your system based on the veiled (or not) threat, implied by the manner in which this person speaks that digs into your skull. It permiated the room and all I could think was just how fucked up this person is going to be, in a little while.

See… no one I know minds compromise (including me) or modifying behavior in subtle ways to get along with another person and work well together. I’ve done it myself. I’ve been doing it now with some deviations as well. So I feel bad for her. I feel bad for myself in the sense where I recognize the signs.

I am not offended by her behavior. That’s not who she is and to assume other wise in any environment would pit people against one another. It happens all the time. I’m not a fan, I’m not playing that game. I’m too fucking old and I’m not playing that game.

Moving forward. There are many methods one can use in this type of situation. All of which I full believe at some point I’ll be let go for so why not try them in turn? :) It’s good manipulation, I promise. The goal of it all would be for it to be better, however it’s not going to happen, lemme have this illusion for a little while.

The problem with doing some of the things is that behaviors used even for a little while can become part of who we are and one would have to pay attention so as not to end up being that way all the time. I believe I can separate and divide such things based on each individual I’m around however once it starts … it could possibly make me into someone I’m not.

There’s a slew of things I could do. I find them all to be evil, unhealthy things however I know they could possibly work because the nice way has not. I have not set consequences just yet, like “if you yell at me again in this manner, I’m going home”. Very simply because I’m busy trying to breath and by the next day I’ve forgotten, sort of. You don’t forget you’re just fucking buried by the emotions of it and today I was thinking about how to combat that. I’m not sure I can, honestly. When I was a wee lass and living home with my father, I could tell anyone I wanted to to go fuck themselves. When I had 2 jobs in my mid-20’s additional income, I could again tell anyone to go fuck themselves (you know just argue w/o fear of the repercussion of not having any income). Now, it’s much different. I have a child and more adult take care of someone else responsibilities, car payment as well. Which I also did not have back then. It’s all valid, it all ads to the very real task of either finding some place new OR finding what works.

While I process this shit… today I used body language. Walk tall, quiet dead stare right into his eyes. He looked away a couple times. It wasn’t “the look” I have, it’s simple a direct stare into your soul, so I can really see you. You see… I don’t like such things. Further, I proceeded to ignore things that were said unless they said my name to which they got polite direct one line responses, yes or no. No more, no less than needed to be said.

I thought about how I said yesterday they watch people to see how they can get to them. They’re quite skilled at this, so … I’ve started watching him. Turn about could possibly be fair play. What he doesn’t realize, much like Kdaddy said one day … I forget about what exactly but all one has to do is watch someone and mindfucking is a breeze. However THAT is not my goal although it would cross that line I hate, which is malicious manipulation and that is also not my intent. I simply want said human to shut the fuck up and stop having these tantrums.

So, I’ve been compiling everything I’ve ever heard, in turn as to who they are and furthermore revived what I’ve seen their family members do to him that works. It doesn’t change his behavior, see that’s to get what they want which is the same thing in a way, however I want the yelling to stop. Asking has not worked, nose to nose fighting has not worked, addressing it repeatedly has not worked. It’s who he is. The thing is… can he help it? Is he ill and can he help it?

Therein lies my thing. Can he modify his own behavior so I don’t have to and then I thought… I can review all my coaching things and question the fuck out of him and redirect him constantly. I’ve done that as well except when he’s had one of those intestinal tantrums out of NO WHERE and they’re all up in your face and the goo is dripping off you and you have NO FUCKING IDEA where it came from. I am not that person… I am not that person would could … lemme put it this way, things would be much different if the situation was elsewhere.

No :) NO fight… well.. maybe. Depends. Today (out of context mind you) he made a comment as to my being a nice person. I turned, looked at him and said, “I am a nice person, I’m a very nice person” and I continued on with what I was doing. When I left today I was like, don’t forget to leave checks for your valued staff :) :) lolol

Okay enough fucking around the options are relatively simple, including but not limited to what I’ve said here before:

Mind you, I believe all of this is wrong. I’ve always said when you deal with a volatile person, you remove them as quickly as possible. These remedies, so we’re clear, and it’s a fine line and I fucking hate it … is all about me and my desire to not be let go before “I’m” ready. These are all things I’ve seen work.

There’s body language
Guilt is prevalent in this family
Head on collisions which we’ve already had. Which I hate
Doing what I see said humans family do.
Using what I know they value as a tool to redirect them. They’re big on being protected or being protective. Yeah… I can identify with that…
There’s… uhm… simply agreeing with what they say unless I disagree which can be posed in question form.
There’s leaving.
My massive wit and sarcasm. This could go very wrong.
There’s his inner child. The more you look, the more you see.
There’s a consequence which I’ve done to a boss in the past wherein I advised them with tears streaming down my face (6 month point) that if they ever yelled at me in that manner again, I was going home. By the time this person changed I fucking needed therapy because the old things they USED to explode over they had stopped and I was still anticipating it. The body is incredible, it retains these things. This will never cease to amaze me as long as I live. I wish it weren’t so. I’d feel … so much better.
There’s what that nice human does but he’s not there with him all the time, so to me it seems so much easier because… they’re not there all the time.

Mind you, this is demoralizing, it rips your spirit out at its roots and you feel like … a sub human being. It kills you, slowly, every day… little by little.

They were frustrated today and arguing with a machine (I’ve so done that) and I burst out laughing. I took that nice psychology person’s phone number home today :) he was so soothing to talk to and I would like that even if it were my being able to sit and talk to him in a session. He wrote a letter today to the atty’s and he’s very good, very good. I … I am not adverse to sitting down with someone who is seasoned and who is going to respect me and talk to me, not hit on me, not be wet behind the ears, who just talks. At this point, I would relish that. Me’be a little spicy mustard too. :) haaah! I made datz funneh!

I don’t ADHD I have PTSD :) So you know. The most difficult thing in all of this is I’m redirecting myself as well as someone else and I’m sorry man, it’s harder now. Particularly with this type of person. They’re good… guilt may be the way to go. haahaha! So wrong! I’m processing … anyway. Later.

p.s. Edit: When I was married to mean guy he was being a tyrant like this guy one day. I had ALL THESE THINGS his family had told me, in turn, when he wasn’t around to rip him into tiny little pieces. :) I began to say “You’re a mistake you know… ” >.< His entire face changed. He looked like a little boy. Vicious fuck that he was and believe me with the shit he was saying to ME he would've asked for it.

I saw his face change. I saw this little boy … and I didn't do it. In my mind people are scarred enough, the truth can hurt and myaaa… I couldn't do it. His grandfather told me that he was a mistake, he was born x number of years after his older sibling, I got the whole fucking story. So… seeing his face like that? I made something else up. Knowing how much certain things hurt is one thing, using them ? Not my thing. Mind you…

As far as I'm concerned? It takes personal strength not to respond in kind like that. I'm sitting here grinning because there are some things I just will not do. I'm not better than anyone else, I just have to be able to look myself in the face in the morning.

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