~ Ad Nauseum ~ < you spell it

I didn’t have to read very much. I started to last night, it made me feel sick. So I stopped and allowed it to sink in a bit. Picked it up again this morning and all these instances are popping up in my head. One of them was “I guess I’ll have to hire someone else” because it was just me and the lilt in their voice… aaah pure perfection. Yeah, after all the time doing this, that’s a wise choice because the reality is I know how things work. If the goal was to make me feel bad… pffft. The think is “they know” … I’ve heard it an they’ve said it. Snippets of conversations (lucky me) flowing through my mind …

I have always said, when I’m confused it’s them. I’m right. I’ve always said when I can’t reconcile something or I’m off balance in some way and this is the only person I have this issue with, it’s them. The problem is the cloaked version of a human being that everyone else doesn’t want to address because they’re not dealing with them on the regular.

Furthermore some where in here I have a post about how if psychotherapists got the truth behind a child’s environment they would not be diagnosed with certain things. Because when people go to the doctor to “help” their child, they’re not particularly going to say… well, Hi expert, I’m a fucking rage-aholic” no, they’re going to say… My child acts out, my child is hyper, my child has this neurological problem and we need to focus ON THE CHILD. Because certainly the adult :) has done nothing at all. I call bullshit.

Mean guy was a product of his environment in every sense of the word. He was a dangerous human being and there’s no reason to be around him (he’s dead so no more worry about running into said human) by any stretch of the imagination. He could smile right in your face and within seconds turn into someone else entirely. Based on all the things people like to tell me, to appease themselves mind you as to all the things OTHERS have done … because, you know, it’s always someone else’s fault and sharing these stories to a new person is like fresh meat. If one were to start putting all the stories together, again, this person didn’t stand a chance “at a normal life”.

The things you find out later about a person are disgusting. The human beings who put such things on him were equally as disgusting. His mother once told me that (and she laughed, so did he while she relayed this story. While myself and another person watched in wide eyed horror. Oh, wait, that was me. No it was them too.) when he was 3 years old, she’d said to him “Are you still going to shit your diaper?” Stick this in your head THREE YEARS OLD … he of course said “Yeah” she took the diaper full of shit and rubbed it on his head, in his face and they were laughing as she explained how it was in his ears, etc., etc. The boy didn’t stand a chance. Doesn’t make me or you his keeper. Now, I didn’t hear this nor understand anything like I do now but as you can see we’re talking massively fucked up behavior. It wasn’t only the mother either, the father was no better.

They all said he was a hyper child. No shit. No pun intended. They said he was the problem, he needed treatment and they put this little human being on ritalin. Oh. Goody. Because it’s the child. It’s certainly not this to be revered authority figure or his fucked up, psychotic disgustingly fucked up mother? Naw, those things didn’t exist because the focus was on the child and it’s bad behavior and as the devil smiled the doctor prescribed something to make the child behave. I would hate it if anyone thought it had nothing to do with his addiction years later because it was nothing they’d done. Oooh nooooo…

Mind you, this is not all environments however in order to get a clear history as to why the child is such a problem … Oh wait, we wouldn’t want to see what the adults are putting the child through. I fell across this site a number of years ago as to the children and what they needed and it was very good. Too one sided for me because the parents also need support and to learn how to change and manage themselves and what they’ve been through. It goes both ways.

Another thing I’ve always known but thought would resolve itself over time is, where do the emotions go when you divert someone or what have you, where does it go? If it’s truly rolling off… out of your system. Where does it go? It collects neatly in your body. Right where mine is. If there weren’t good people in the world it wouldn’t be that difficult to assume that I was off my rocker. :) I’m happy to report that I’m not. So the way of things is to develop the proper defense mechanisms and boundaries to protect yourself from … other people’s life experience when they’re an asshole.

I went to an Alanon meeting once. Mean guy was getting over an addiction and I had no idea being that young about such things. So… lolol they have these classes or groups where you go and learn how to deal with said human vs. getting rid of them. The focus of this particular group was they were cleansing out their systems as to what they dealt with. Very healthy… okay.

And then… while I realize this is a process, again… I was fresh meat, they like to share their story and that was fine. So, they all learned coping skills and how to deal with their abusive partner who fucked with them on a daily basis. Nice… good, learning how to deflect such things, very nice and maybe it will stop too. I had no problem with the support, the idea of it all what I could not reconcile (I understand now) is… they all stayed.

One woman’s husband put her down so much as to her appearance, she said “I’ll fix him”. This is a story she relayed to me when we were chatting about hair. Hers was like a buzz cut and was dyed blonde. She said her husband picked on her one more time and she went into the bathroom and to teach him a lesson she took a daisy shaver and shaved her head bald. Came back out and said, there you like my hair now? O.O The things people do to one another and how they cope. Suffices to say, I never went back. I felt horrible internally just being in the room. I respect they needed help and I don’t want to discuss this in comments or other wise. It was the way it was, they needed help and with good help if and when they became healthy, they wouldn’t be in those relationships anymore or they’d perhaps have a degree of happy based on all their conditioning in life up through to that point.

These are the things over the years that while I understand more now, hurt human beings. It’s not male or female related. Anything a person see’s that one sex can do to the other shouldn’t be compartmentalized as to only that gender does it. That’s simply not true.

In other news seeing something up close and personal and how people intermingle and the affect it had, I’m sure on the children who are now adults? I mean I remember when mean guy agreed to go to counselling. LOLOL Oh well that’s very bushy eyed and fluffeh ain’t it? He went, I didn’t. The counsellor got me on the phone one day (shit!! lol) and he was like aren’t you coming in? I advised this very nice man the following, “If I describe what you saw in your office to the letter, you will agree to not follow up with me”. I didn’t need couples counseling more self counseling. In any event, I described in detail hand movements, head tilting, mannerisms, feigned sadness and desire to really make things work … the fella was quiet and I said, “Am I wrong?” He said no, you’ve described him perfectly”. I said thank you, I’m done and I’m out of here. I appreciate your call though.

Counselling is nice if it’s about YOU. if the counselor does not have a detailed history they’re only going on what they see and what’s presented to them and I understand this now. The worst thing a human being can do, IMHO is to take responsibility for the actions of another human being that hurts them as a person. The worst thing to do is to be black and white about wherein we assume that we have to work on ourselves thereby there’s this twisted sense of “its all your fault” because you improving is for you and it will not change someone else. I think the problem comes in when you change (literally) and then it hurts because you see how dishonored you’ve been and that can feel worse. So, to me, it’s about grieve and be angry about what you didn’t know and let all that shit out… then move forward with said information.

Because you don’t really want to go through THAT again do you? I realize there are variables and I don’t care what you think. Oh wait~ Oh don’t be guarded! I’m not, I’m aware. Oh don’t let this do whatever to you! I’m not, I’m aware. Oh haaey you have to learn life lessons!!! and then you can… myaa… I understand and uh… fuck you.

Of course I’m in a mood because reading this book has triggered all these lovely memories I just as soon not have remembered from when I was small up through to the present. I have to get out of this field. Don’t worry though as these things go 3/5 days, I’ll have processed this information past the triggers and the weekend is here so I won’t be around it soooo… I get a reprieve until said human does it again. Oh BUT HAAEY!!! I have all these methods I’ve reviewed to make it stop. LOLOL yeah, because they’ll work for a little while and then the person will find other methods by which to do said things in a different manner because this is who they are. Me’be I should let this stuff roll off.

Me’be I should stick myself in the eye, with a pen. Oh but WAIT! It’s certainly MY responsibility to keep said human being in line isn’t it? Insert wide eyed dillusional expression here please. :) Ohaaee thanx!

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