Today was interesting. I am in awe of how said human twists things around. I literally, now have a furrow in my brow by by nose. It’s from the perplexed confused fucking expression when someone acts like a complete and utter fucktard “just cuz” and it’s not like one could explain it at all. Because said human takes… meh… an hour after the explosion to begin to make any sense at all. I had this doll, lovely human being come to the office today and they’ve known said person for an enormous amount of time. We had a chat, which was very soothing. They are so sweet, truly. I’ve heard human #1 start up with the bullshit and the one I was talking to today, is all like… laid back. They’re very sick and we’ve talked back and forth on occasion.
I want to be clear when I say that, while it’s good to hear someone else say that what you see and know is massively on point, it’s not about being right in the sense of .. nya, nyaaaa… Okay? Okay. So we had this talk, they said a slew of things and I’m like … yeaaah! Exactly! Said person was like, “do not get into the middle of anything here”. I laughed out loud so hard because that is exactly what I’ve NOT been doing, i.e., getting involved. Those boundary bitches are so high the fucking empire state building would cry in shame. I was like dude my boundaries with them are up here (insert hand above eyebrow body language here) and we laughed together about it. They were like, that’s a very good thing. They want on to tell me other things as well, which I knew… you know but when I am in an environment where it is the way it is, and those posts are in draft form now and someone talks to you and is like… Yeah… that’s correct and furthermore (then the fill you in on more and not out of malice mind you, it wasn’t that way and I appreciate that) I could cry. Literally. Because, it’s like… yeah, every day, I see this shit and it’s like… WTF? It’s comparable to running a cheese grater down my back with no shirt on. That’s how emotionally fucked up it is sometimes.
It was nice to have, it’s nice to have so many people who understand the position I’m in at the moment and as always after 3/6 months many got used to me and began telling me things. It’s sooner in some cases, however that’s what happens in any given situation. No, of course not, those are private conversations and I’m not going to toss someone under a bus. They’re relationship with this human is some what separate.
Anyway… this person I was talking to mentioned something about illness and pointed to their head… Boy you wanna see light bulbs go off in my head because I’ve been putting the pieces together for a while, it was just nice to have it confirmed. Ya know? I don’t like speculation, answers and knowing something helps me to make my situation better and which things to apply in that good way, so everyone ween’s. :)
So. Let’s think about this. It’s not my fucking job to redirect someone or enhance certain things however if I want my environment to be better and stay for a while, in order to do that to have answers and input, gives me more information as to what may work. As I mentioned yesterday, these are fucking… seriously ingrained behaviors and now they’re sick or something in some way and… this explains SO much more. I would like to know what and at one point, said very nice person said pretend that they have a terminal illness and there’s nothing you can do about it and let it roll off you. He can’t help it… that soothed me all afternoon. Until… they came in and had another tantrum. I’m sure their intestines hit me in the fucking face and I had no idea WTF they were “specifically” talking about.
I am going to say what I thought I never would. My family sucked? I’m glad it was so small and I didn’t have this shit to contend with. Oh! Wait! The mind is kind isn’t it. :) Yeah, I had so much more other shit to contend with as it was, that wasn’t very good either. Perhaps I should say… what? I just do not know. Perhaps an entirely new family would have been much better.
I was busy redirecting my mind to view this person “FOR ME” make no mistake, so I could let it roll off… I mean if a person was mentally challenged like this one client I had who had a fit at work at my old job, and I soothed him because I “knew” he ha mental disabilities while everyone else shuddered (it’s true, I blogged about it I was pissed because someone fucked with him and he came back to the office all messed up. I called those assholes too… fucktards, they never did return my call. Fuck heads) from him and I didn’t do that, not that it makes me special or anything, someone twisted this poor, very simple human being around and fucked with his head. I helped him that day. :) Sweet little simple fucked up little person who… just wanted to understand something bigger than he could comprehend. No Problem. Nooo problem at all… I was a tiny bit skeered, I must say… but he didn’t want to hurt anyone, he was confused, worried angry, he simply did not understand.
So… a slew of instances of people who have a particular problem popped into my head and even experiences of my own and I thought… this is a cool tool, this is a great mindset. I really would prefer to find a spot where … it rolls off. Today though, I almost cried right on the spot… truly… it’s too much. I mean, he’s fine, they’re all used to it and to me? Come on… really?
I have to worry about my livelihood in this manner and be afraid because I have no cushion or a place to go if things fall to shit? This is a voluminous fear, not to mention trigger and all this other shit combined. I mean, for fucks sake… it’s not me man. I looked over my resume and I get hired, looking again would be … it would suck. One cunt after the other after the other…
Ohaaeey I could write a book! :) I need my lulz. I mean this is bullshit. It’s nice to have people who are kind, nice, sharing and who understand… however …. they don’t have to deal with said human on the regular, I do.