~ Poof~ It hits you again because it was unexpected ~

I revived something the other day wherein my friend had made a comment, first I had the reaction from the end of said relationship and gave myself time to siphon through that swirl of emotion. Thereafter it reminded me of more things that I’d forgotten all about which are not directly related to said human, moreso of the things that they talked about, which I’d forgotten about entirely after being on their blog.

One thing that always struck me was the idea or statement that “I don’t know shit”. I said that years ago, repeatedly and I further always said that the person I’m speaking to knows, I’m simply a guide with insights. I was always complimented on my insights, they’re good. They are, at least when I’m focused on that person and they’re open with me. I still say that I don’t know shit because life and such are always evolving, there’s always new things to learn.

I’ve come to the conclusion that personal growth may redirect people however it seems to lean heavily towards personal responsibility and how we react and controlling and/or modifying that however that’s only a portion of it. Sometimes I’ve taken that way too literally and while I didn’t blame myself entirely, I became of the mindset that “If I am doing x, y, z…” other things happen that I want to happen.

You know, if I’m patient, If I’m communicative, etc., etc., and this is simply not true. I’d forgotten in the training I got with the coaching classes and all that was the lessons I’d learned in my 20’s. I want to say, it is possible to be TOO positive thereby accepting things or situations and giving way more leeway than should be given.

Now that I’ve beat the hell out of the topic of catfish in here, it’s turning into something else. Meaning … what I want it to be. Other than the surprises of seeing something I’d forgotten all about, the mind is kind and over time it won’t hurt as much anymore. I still grinned a little remembering said human, they were my friend after all. Despite what happened in the end. Mind games are not a good thing to do to me. I don’t like them, I’m not going to entertain them either.

My point here, is that … like, with mean guy, who I was married to plah years ago… what like, 24/25 years I’d say at this point. After that was over and I’d gotten over that, while it left a mark and after getting into psychology and EVEN when I was married to this person, I could see what happened to them.

Yeah, they had a choice as to changing and not being that way anymore, I believe that however at the same time, these where things that were seated into who they were from when they were a baby, moving forward and more particularly the impressionable times of their life and all of that stuck. All the preconditioning, all the shit they went through, how their family was and on the one hand, you could say they never stood a chance or that’s bullshit that they couldn’t change.

I’d agree with both however … while they’re dead now and I don’t have to look over my shoulder anymore … we’re talking about a human being who was so smart who was massively fucked up by his home life. See… I find that people want to help, be supportive etc., and nothing I’m saying here should ever lead you to believe that while you have empathy for someone’s life experience that it’s on your shoulders to be around them.

This was a dangerous human being. I had empathy over time for them based on the things I knew, however that never means you “stick it out” with that person in the “hopes” they’ll change and be everything you want them to be because that’s backwards thinking. Many times a person WILL change and the other person who ALSO has issues of their own… leaves. They also have to go and get therapy and be well themselves. The focus and the roping in of others to help them, as abusive relationships goes is prevalent through to today, I see it all the time. I remember it myself.

Said person that I am no longer speaking to had access to a blog that I didn’t have open here at the time and they’d said something in that nice point on, articulate manner they had when they were in that mindset (very smart person, very quick, lerve’d teh brainz) of siphoning through paragraphs of my thoughts… and I use it all the time now. :) THANXXXX ! lolol <— that's funneh.

It was, "Because it serves you in a way" I've turned it into "Because people are self serving" and you are. I am too. Why on earth would I give this human who hurt me that much credit for anything? it's not because I'm blind, it's because they were good, that deserves the credit and for me is separate from what happened thereafter.

AND further, everyone else who came here at the time I appreciate as well. :)

Coaching teaches you to come from a place of integrity so it was a good match for me because I was always big on personal accountability and responsibility. I still am and when I think about how I could twist someone's head off their shoulders … EVEN WHEN I'm angry… I won't do it. I feel that in my chest and besides… the truth is better.

Because I have all these neat emotional triggers in my system, I take pause with others. However I still stick to something I learned in my early 20's…

"I care, I will not carry"

Okay! I have to get ready for work. Later gater.

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