I’m changing my environment step by step. It’s prolly an illusion not based on fact exactly however… I see significant, quiet changes. I’m cool with that. It’s better from when I originally started. A young lady has been hired to be my assistant (too much work) and I’m training her. We were talking and she was venting about various things, I chimed in myself on various topics. It’s the way things like that go. At least it’s always seemed that way to me.
Note: People will tell you call kind of shit on first meetings. I don’t mind, I do it too. :) Depends on what memory their story triggers and what I find most interesting are the things we relay from the past which are not relevant simply because it affected us at the time, way back when.
So, we were discussing group events and I’d said to her that I find high school mentality follows many humans through to adult hood. I left out all the personal growth things, it would have taken way too long.
So, later, my boss makes this comment about eating and then said something along the lines of fat thighs… Uhhhm… No? Assfucker? I looked at that boy, stuck my belly out and while rubbing it said, Oh really? at the same time he also put his hands to his stomach.
My retort was: Honey, I’m in better shape then girls 1/2 my age. New girl pips in and says, “So you think you’re in better shape than me?”
Oooh fuck me. Where the fuck on earth do you humans come up with this negative, derogatory bullshit? And would you please STFU.
I turn, I look at said human and ask her… How did you make this about you? That’s pretty negative and high school is over. She promptly shut up. The other human went to say something and I advised said human directly we’re not doing that pit one another against the other bullshit, I’m not having that bullshit and I walked away. Muttering something about being too fucking old for that nonsense.
Seriously though, the hair on my neck literally bristled thinking how badly this could turn had I not gotten down in it quickly as I did. In so far as emotional triggers, I am now training a new person like at the job I had a while ago and that comes with other things. BUT … what interested me the most is how that entire experience from 2 years ago came flooding back. The stress, the misguided responsibility, the bullshit, the being overworked at the time… BLAP!
So I’m redirecting myself constantly so as not to put that mess into this situation. So far :) So good. I’m proud of myself. I really am. It’s no small task because at this juncture in life, I have so many life experiences wherein they turned out badly, “for me” literally… that while, I do it because I want new experiences and new events to work out well… it’s harder now sometimes. I hate that. I don’t need advise… ya know? I understand … I’m in awe though, just how many things come up at any given moment.
Manipulation is still my strongest pet peeve. I do realize that it’s what human beings do. I do it, of course. However … well :) today I flipped something on said human and diverted him like he did me. I told him after I did it why… he does it to me all the time to shift things back onto me so I thought I’d teach him a lesson. So to speak anyway.
Anyway… just bidding my time till it’s time for bed. If you do not work on yourselves, you will perpetuate the same behaviors from when you were younger and you will perpetuate these things forward and create, inadvertently because you’ve never thought about it and paid attention, more shit for yourself.
Personally, I could do without the emotional swirls, they’re harder these days. However they told me I could yell a long time ago. Which I don’t like, so I’ve been addressing that too. It does help though but I wouldn’t want to use that as a normal communication tool.