Tikk made me :) Hi Tikk! I’ve been missing blogging quite a bit. I have a lot of thoughts and they need to be expressed. Since I finished the last post here about the situation, something really cool happened. I believe I started to write about it one day, it wasn’t coming out the way I wanted and then put it in draft form and left it there.
After I wrote the last post neat and interesting things began to happen. We could say it was because I became more open because I’d beat the fuck out of this topic to get it out of my system. Yes, we definitely could and that would be valid. We could also say, that thing I believe the most which is interesting, in that… we’re shown certain things because they are within our focus. I’ll explain.
I’d mentioned several things in prior posts about little things that would trigger the memory of this person and interestingly enough a few days after I ended the last post, a shit load happened, i.e., a shit load of things that reminded me or made me tilt my head at the screen like… really? Coupled with that was a bit of paranoia, that comes and goes, we’ll get into this later. Because, with any situation paranoia, stemming from fear and not wanting to make the same mistake rears it’s pretty little head and it says “Are you sure”… my response is, I’ll never be sure unless I move forward will I?
I have noticed some things that I do which are neatly embedded in my personality. The stern scolding w/care although, does drill sergeant come across as caring? :) I literally cannot help it when I notice certain things, to have to send a private message or try to make someone smile or even just offer an ear. Or… a smack to the back of the head, whatever works. :)
I still do that. I’m not the puppy I was before. Meaning, earlier on in here I’d be all wag my tail, saunter over, say hello, Ohaaaiiii!!! Well, I still do that but it’s tempered naow. It’s who I am, it’s not going to change and it’s a nice feature. Except this situation and being on the internet twisted that a bit, which is where the paranoia comes in. I’ll relax completely sometimes and let my guard down and then, I’ll get nervous or something will remind me. Which sucks and some of the reason being is/are:
I don’t want to go through THAT again. However I have not allowed it to stop me from making new friends, even faceless ones with only an icon. You sense who and how people are some I shy away from and it’s compounded by the very real fact that in looking for pedo’s sometimes those types of people follow me from a group to see what I’m doing so they can see if I know (or others as well) know what they’re doing. In this case alone, it’s a combined set of things.
What I do is the cross referencing where in I think about ALL the people on my Facebook page who I met through the business sites I was involved in and then all the people I’ve met on here, this blog, who are very nice people as well and it begs the question… always … are you really going to let this one person spoil something you’ve enjoyed for a very long time now.
We should proceed with caution online. I’d never had a bad experience in this manner. I missed an opportunity to meet some people in real life, that was due to budgetary concerns and not being city oriented and THEN I saw all the pictures that were being put up and… I was like… Damn it. That would have been fun… If I’d had the money and knew my way around in the city, it would have been even better however I was working and had all this shit going on so I missed it. Maybe next time I’d take my nervous self there and ask one of them to help me get around.
The city is very distracting sensory wise and it’s very expensive and I hate the train. It’s like being stuck in a fucking sardine can, it’s very confining. Even when I want a couple years back with my Peanut there I hated the subway. It was comparable to sticking my entire sensory capabilities in a cage.
Oh, I’ve gotten off track I think. When I wrote the last couple of posts here (and I’m not looking for advise) like … this bunch of stuff started happening. Really good things and they were intermingled with 4 new people with the same facial structure as my friend and then someone else (who actually I’ve wondered about from time to time because remember I never did see my friend “for real”) made some changes to their profile and once again… I looked at the page. Like… huh…
It’s not to say said people looked exactly like this person however the similarities are/were astounding. For the record they’re all handsome just like my friend who I know from way over yonder who is adorable. :) I have excellent taste you know. lolol! Then other things were happening this very nice woman I know said something about how they would vouch for me in the trust arena and that was, so very sweet.
So there were all these cool things happening. So it was like, I’m more open? or… in airing this out did I see it more now, or was it a combination? I’d say it was a combination which leaned more heavily towards the nice people I’ve met. Every now and then when a bunch of things collide in a some what negative way, situations with others who have caused a problem or are complete and utter assholes who we all jump gleefully on and make miserable. Yes, yes we do because that’s not allowed. One does not fuck with someone in that manner and it’s nice to see people stick together like that.
Every now and then I think… :) I’d like to send said human a pizza. It’s not … it’s very childlike, I promise you, it’s so immature and childlike but it gives me such glee to laugh to myself at the idea of a pizza showing up at this person’s house, with a particular note on it so they’d know who it was. And I laugh! Because I realize just how fucking gleefully retarded that is, how immature and childlike and so many other things. It’s rare, it happens and on the occasion that it does… I’m like, you’re an ass… you really are. Then I laugh because it’s just my inner child gleefully envisioning popping their balloon for being a meanie.
It’s one of those things, to me that is like… since I’m not really a mean human? It just cracks me up. Nooooo, I am not going to do it. It’s like saying you’d like to kill someone but acting on it is another thing. It still makes me grin though. I have to say…
You know, I have a default mechanism wherein I still think people are good. I don’t even hate this human being. It’s true. Interestingly enough I do not. I mean, think about it… I’m not being a twat either… you make this cool friend (moi!) you can’t or won’t show them who you are and you lose said cool friend. Moi… I keep saying the same thing, based on all the things I’ve been through in my life, I’m still fair minded, I know what’s me and what is someone else and well … at this point in life it’s been enough to where I can feel very nervous in some situations. It’s not about that catty bullshit where we hear people say…
“Oh they don’t know what they had, fuck them etc.,” in that self serving manner to appease themselves.
I know I’m a good person. Slightly scattered, literal at times, inquisitive, funny as fuck :) relatively patient (I’ve mentioned funny right?) communicative… I can look in the mirror in the morning and I like me. Because it was nothing I’d done. Literally. Nothing I had done.
I’ve been thinking about opening this bitch back up like it was … (my blog) We’ll see what happens.