I sent this individual an email, it was the last one I ever sent and I remember I had reached the point of being so afraid and unnerved by it all, not to mention all we shared and the attachment that I had and the numerous IM’s and things shared, I was literally afraid to address it again. It was just too much to continue on the way it was. They had no problem with it, they were very content with the way things were.
They sent me a well worded, articulate response which was pure crap. It was so emotionless and self serving I would have driven over their house directly and told them how full of shit I thought they were. All I could muster up through the swirl of emotions at their response was “fair enough”.
Enough, was enough at that point for me. If you have read from start to finish here, you would understand a bit better. I could not believe my eyes nor the very real fact that they said everything and nothing. Sure, they’re entitled to remain cloaked however not in my world, not after all that transpired, not after all that was shared. Not after numerous hours of IM and contact between the two of us and initially the benefit of the doubt prevailed and I figured based on the things that were told to me, perhaps in time… they’d… you know, get over it. They assured me constantly that it was nothing I’d done. I know that. I know it to this moment forward forever and eternity I know that. Of this I am 100% sure. Always.
See… I was only going to leave IM off for a day perhaps. I was so hurt by this smoothing over email, it was … cold and they went in a different place in their head to write it. I know. I’ve been there. I never hurt anyone in this manner, I just know it when I see it.
See… after reading the rationalization of dreams, which I’ve explained in my other post how I almost laughed when they made their icon smile and how they were going to rationalize my dreams and life experiences (that was a huge fucking mistake) which all have held great significance for me through out my entire life… that added insult to injury.
I was furious. Livid. And while I was trying to reconcile what kind of friend “I” was to just walk away … I noticed after like, day 2 of leaving it off that they were here on my blog every day. Every fucking day, numerous times per day. They said nothing. Nothing. Odd. It continued, I have those logs dumb fuck. So they came here every day for a while numerous times per day and this struck me as odd because they usually had something to say, I hadn’t said anything particularly negative… “fair enough” was my response to their email. I had nothing to say to it. it was the most emotionless thing, I’ve read in quite some time. and it was at me and my fears. Go on. Justify that … I’ll wait.
That continued, them coming here and reading or looking and… after a couple days. I thought… so I left my IM off, they see me posting, I needed a little break (yes by all means twist this into assuming in that nice healthy way that they were giving me a little break. Bite me) and… it occurred to me… no email contact, no comments here, just continuous visits on a daily basis to my blog with nothing said.
That surely fucks with your head. I realize it’s speculation on my part… I’m usually not wrong about such things, so… moving forward I was busy thinking about WTF just happened here and trying to reconcile things and there they were… every day, coming here being silent and … after I think, it was like… maybe 7-10 days their blog went private. :)
I will never, ever believe that their decision to go private didn’t happen on purpose. To me, for them, they used it as a means to control the situation. I wasn’t going there anyway, save that one post about the dreams which infuriated me at the nonchalance of it all, there are some things you asshole that are inexplicable, you need to learn this life lesson. No one will ever tell me that it wasn’t intentional.
One could say, well Sue… why didn’t you contact them? The answer is very clear… it, to me, based on the experiences that I had with asking direct questions of them, to them, etc., and all that I’ve expressed here from beginning to end, was the final straw. It was a matter of control, they wanted things to remain their way and this was no longer acceptable to me. Surely anyone could twist this around to suit their purposes, however… I am right. I have never waivered in this belief. Every time it came up to be reconciled, I came back to the same response as to this individuals actions thereafter. If they used what they knew about me against me, maybe I would cave and go back to what served them.
Battles of one’s will with another is what promoted the Stalemate post. My will should not have been tested in that manner. Perhaps they feel the same which I wasn’t playing a game. This is my life, it was theirs too. I understand. So are we saying that what happened to them was so horrible … what happened to this human being that put them in that mindset. I don’t know. I have had horrible experiences. So… for me what it comes down to is when you do value someone you fight your fears. Learning the difference as to what is you and them is no small task. See, but they knew I did not do anything to manipulate them. They told me so.
So. What. It was a game. How far can we push another human being to keep things the way they are. You tell me. I find that unfair. I see so many people and talk to so many people who have been through worse than I have and little by little they try to trust and I see this every day, in greater or lesser degrees and I include myself in this. So… if what this individual told me was true … what happened to them that they held onto this fear so tightly that they would hide in this manner. Maybe … I was rolled. It’s a possibility.
I can look in the mirror on the morning except I have this new scar to remove based on the actions or lack thereof of someone else.
One should never assume anything about another person. I valued this friendship. I value this human being. Their assessment of how they felt, from me and how I communicated with them was dead on. I did value them. They did not value me. When you value someone, fears or not, you fight those fears, you fight them hard. I did … I did when we had serious conversations. I am a ginormous decent human being. I felt safe, they took that away from me.
No one who cares about someone as a friend pulls that shit. No one comes to a blog repeatedly and says nothing, no one doesn’t reach out via email. No one who is truly a friend does anything that transpired here.
This turned into a game about control. I was frightened, he didn’t care. I brought it up repeatedly, he didn’t care. I told him it bothered me, he didn’t care. So you tell me how much fear and discomfort “I” should put aside to preserve a friendship? I don’t have that answer. I do not believe with my entire heart that it should be THAT much. I sent him a picture of a beer I had one evening asked him if he wanted one but the reality was that I had one because at that point… it had gone on too long. At that point it was a double edged sword for me. The beer was to sooth my nerves that day. I had no intention and I remember this… of having wine or a beer or anything. I was wrong, in this, I was wrong. I continued to do something that bothered me and then tried to pretend it didn’t.
I was tickled to have this human who I spoke to and shared things with and they didn’t value me in a manner conducive with caring about my feelings as much as I was trying to give them. When I say give, I mean insofar as mutuality.
That’s horrible. That is utterly fucking horrible.
And on various levels, this person who helped me so greatly in many ways, took something from me that I have to rebuild. I can’t grasp that concept. It will never sit well with me. Ever.
Ah Sue… but… did you learn the lesson?
What lesson is this? Explain it to me because I still cannot comprehend it.
It makes no sense.
As I’ve said repeatedly, I have made additional good friends online since this happened.
I just would like this particular pain to stop. I tried. I put it in a box, I did the whole feigned indifference thing and yet … still, there it is, off and on, in many ways rearing it’s fucking head.
So… this person gets to skip gleefully away scott free? I think that sucks. I think we are all accountable. I also have plenty of acquaintances on G+ who are faceless and they’re also cool people. They really are. Oh haaey! Look at that! I learned to just go with the flow in some cases? … ooooh no, fuck you. They feel different … Not all people are good, we block those people, it’s an excellent feature. Even some we can see are blocked. Happens all the time.
You did nothing. You did nothing to fix this you put the burden on me. You wanted things to go your way and to remain the same… how lovely, how self serving, how utterly fucking selfish.
Yes. Thank you, very much, for leaving a mark when you are supposedly in a position to help people. I mean, lord knows, I still valued your advise. I do, you are an intelligent human being. My god I liked your brains… :) Look! I’m smiling! I did… I still do.
But… tell me, how on earth do you live with yourself. yeah, I was important, I mattered. You showed me that and further supported that thought process… and then, you ripped the fucking rug right out from under my feet.
Oh and I’m not finished. There will be a couple more. I’m sure of it.