Prior to writing this particular post, I talked to a friend of mine. I realize that no one knows who this individual is so it’s neither here nor there if I discuss it out loud or not. It’s irrelevant in the grand scheme of things except for the very real fact of how it affected me personally, which was badly. As if this was not obvious. I shared what I’ve written here with them and they asked me a very simple question during our talk this evening…
“if he would want to do something about it
you would have an answer from him by now”
Truer words have never been said. Remorse always follows when you say the exact thing you meant to say to another human being. This will be no different and may I caution you that it will probably be a full range of emotion including but not limited to a massive amount of anger. Not only at this person but at myself. I’ll get the portion as to “myself” out of the way first. Read one through to this post to figure it out, I don’t think that way. I don’t believe that all people are all fucking assholes who need to be watched in a cold and calculating manner and I HATE that this experience has me watching and paying attention to every little thing.
It’s not prevalent all the time, it’s those fucking emotional triggers. Some fella put up a picture of himself in the identical hat that this person posted which was atop a bottle I believe and BOOM memory triggered. There I was, looking quizzically at a photograph of a hat that this person I’ve seen around for approximately … meh 4/6 months I guess, put up… that’s not cool. It’s just not fucking cool and fuck you for pulling this shit on me to the point where you betrayed a friendship where I felt safe and then you ripped the fucking rug out from under my feet. And why? Because you are a coward? You KNEW everything I went through, you read all of it, not to mention all the private conversations!
What kind of a person, does that make YOU … what kind of a person does that to someone else? I got news for ya… this is the anger part, this is that thing, that you hate the most. Anger.
Yet through and by your own actions and admittedly TO ME you said, you KNEW I’ve never done anything to manipulate you. You’re response was “I Know” so… really, knowing all that … you still made the choice to yank my fucking chain. You’re retarded. You can’t possibly use what you know to help others without coming from a place of integrity and furthermore, YOU used what you knew about ME to serve your own purpose? And fuck you, twist it any way you like, we were both there and we talked away like old friends.
Were you bored? Do you not realize that while any one human being has the personal right to an anonymous blog, once it gets personal and goes beyond that point where personal interaction takes place that… sure, you’re so entitled to keep it and due to your own personal fears based on your life experiences of course, you get to what?
Hide like a little gurl? Oh shit, I think I just insulted a little girl. :) My friend is right. You never did anything to rectify this situation. Yet, you still come here. Oh yeah, you do. So… like what? You care? You’re a psychopath? What… what is it fucktard?
Oh and so the rest of you know, he’ll compartmentalize this, it’s only words and it won’t bother him. They are only words used to express things. Which is massively wonderful in my humble opinion… we all should be so well served to be able to put what someone else says about us and our behavior or lack thereof in a box, in our head and be so dismissive. And please by all means, justify it with your friends. You are … certainly… the expert :)
I’m angry as hell. I was when it happened and my friend Stan, years ago, said… Sue do you know why you get so angry when you tell a story? He was a commmunications expert, very good actually and I said, “No… why?” He said, “because you relive it as you tell the story”.
Well fuck me if that’s not the truth 100%! He was right. What I have found, over time, is that once I’ve reconciled something the emotions connected to whatever it was/is are not as strong. Time does heal all wounds. Certainly. Time will heal this one as well.
Except for those fucking triggers. It’s not all the time, I’ve met some very nice people, I really have they’re adorable and I like them a lot. Much like the person I spoke to prior to making this post. I mean, he’s right… If I mattered at all as I would like to believe this human being would have done something about it. They did not.
So, all hell is going to break loose here. Because I am sick of hearing it, feeling it, having it triggered, all of the above. Oooh… but it serves me in a way. :) No. It does not. It’s fucked up and I get to carry, for now and hopefully not for too much longer, your sorry ass around with me due to what? YOUR SHIT … are you fucking kidding me?
For the record. I believe in karma. I’ve had way too many life experiences not to. It goes both ways. You’ll get yours. It will not be by my hand, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. You can though. Can’t you. I mean you’ve done so well this far right? Sure you have.
And… you know what? every time I pull from the great advise you gave me, closely following same will be a prompt fuck you. Why? Because you have no conscience. Because, as I will explain you knew what you were doing and that’s the part that pisses me off the most.
You knew. And you did it anyway. What kind of a person does that?
Oh by all means, please, do a little evaluation about it all… because it would serve you wouldn’t it. At minimum you could blame me and alleviate any, if any emotions at all about it. My friend is right. You did nothing. Nothing.
Nothing at all to address this. Nothing. And I’m still talking about it because I was hurt greatly by it. You? Nothing.
I’ll finish this another day. Oh, yes… boundaries and all that tip top stuff. yeah, fuck you.