~ Catfish 15 ~ What Fukkery Is This? ~

fuckery There was one point where I thought to myself that I should pull back prior to his asking if I wanted to IM and I was tickled to pieces over that, I really was. To me that was a cool thing because it was a different level of communication. It’s like going from blogging, to email, to IM’ing and with G+ you now have the hangouts where there’s camera’s and so, to me that’s also, the natural way of things. I’m so excited to do those hangouts though! However my computer freezes all the time, it’s very frustrating. Yeah, I have, as I’ve mentioned gone on to make other friends online. Of course I have and that’s the surface of such things it’s not how a person feels underneath which I’ve been explaining at length here.

So, there was one point where I’d stopped emailing so much. I thought that it would be a really good idea and that to unhook a bit was a wise choice. I don’t recall the time frame I stopped as I was trying to divert myself to blog world only. I received an email (squee!) from them saying, “Hey you” … you know that familiar thing people say, when you know one another for a while. My friend just did it to me yesterday which is why I remembered this. It’s all these little things, expect of course, I can and have seen this person and at least it didn’t feel bad like that sound did. See prior post.

So, course I thought, Awwwww :) “Hey you” is a familiarity thing! Yes, yes it is and I was very chatterboxexcited about that. You’re not going to tell me anything differently. It is how this works. Why you not following bouncing ball? We had a lot of communication back and forth and through out. I was home over the summer, my daughter was visiting her dad, I had a pretty good mental grasp of this person’s schedule and when they were online based on prior exchanges either here or other methods of communication. (email/IM) and I had gone to the dentist to have a tooth pulled and they’d made some comment about my being by myself and on pain killers. So when they popped up on IM and said “entertain me” which was funny. I was surprised because I figured they’d be out and about being single and all. I thought that was pretty cool and I loved the company because my face, my god, my face was so swollen on that side I didn’t even “have” a cheekbone. I linked that up to being a kind thing because they knew I’d gone to the dentist and POOF here was my friend and I had company. :) That was very cool and I appreciated it.

So as you can see it was all these things and the questions had begun intermingled with personal conversations about various things, books, life, work, sex, friends, dogs, etc. Pretty soon we were IM’ing every single day from the morning, through out the day, in the evening and I remember (no really) thinking that it was so cool BUT it was really starting to prey on my nerves that they would not send me a live picture of themselves, almost a year had gone by. A friend of mine was like, “Well not everyone is going to do what we think they’re going to do”. Nor do they have to and while I understood this … Mmmyaaa, no. Not after almost a year. If you would like the “why” of it all go back and read from the beginning please. It morphed in the normal way of things. At least it’s always been my experience in such things and this is all the way up through to the present moment. Nothing has changed in the manner in which we get to know a person online. It goes from one level to the next. If you are okay with it of course and I didn’t mind. It was just not that bigga deal to me initially.

question-marksAs my fears deepened, their resistance became greater. Something in one IM conversation springs to mind about how it’s supposed to be fun, they didn’t need “this” or my questions. This is very sketchy word wise, I realize that however that simply added to my severe discontent. Their birthday was in a particular month. I’d asked “when it was!” They said… “Guess” … oh well, really? All this cloaked shit and now I should guess from 1-plah when their birthday was. I had asked about another page they had, “Oh everyone knows that’s not real”. O.O I hadn’t initially, I came from the business world of being online where you saw everyone’s name and if you were diverted to another page, that’s who they were. My Facebook page has a slew of people like that on it. Lesson learned, this is not a business site despite your prior experiences Sue. Oh and fuck you life lessons, thank you for that bat to the back of the head. I surely needed that wake up call. Yes, yes I did. Thank you so much. :)

The last few weeks or so, maybe more, of communication where this huge conflict for me. Be the type of friend I would want vs. walking away. You can read the stalemate post for insight as to this. Moving forward, I have had dreams of great significance all my life. I had one about 2 weeks prior to my sending an email saying how I was really afraid and this wasn’t working and how it usually ended up in my feeling exquisite pain.

cloakedAs I’ve referenced, I had been struggling with talking to them and as things do, they come out in dream form however I was burying how I felt because they mattered to me and due to the fact that they had a valid thought process, to me initially, I thought … I didn’t mind being patient and what bothered me was they went and re-read something I’d posted it was right prior to a conversation we’d had where I felt helpless. I felt helpless because they seemed so afraid due to their life experiences (and what about mine? I’d been through things like that…) and helpless because there was nothing I could do about it and further helpless because I was at that point where I would walk away based on how confusing it all was. It was all neatly folded together. It felt horrible.

In my dream there was a man with no face in a crisp white shirt, black belt, bright yellow tie, gray slacks I believe … and he came up to me in some place where I was living and I was like WHERE have you been!? He looked down and I did as well, I have the exact dream saved here, I could cut and paste… anyway, I looked down and his feet were missing. Meaning they were bandaged from mid foot backwards and I thought, how can he walk with out any feet and in the dream he backed away. This was directly related to this situation with this person. I’d told them about the dream and it was in the email I just referenced and I believe the next day they put up a post about dreams or what have you and… I was busy struggling with the response I got and had left off IM to take a break to collect my thoughts. The post about dreams was a bad idea on their part. I have had many life experiences with dreams that are inexplicable that always held great meaning for me.

All it was telling me was that this faceless person (my friend) was never going to move forward demonsbecause how could they without any feet? You see? Sure you can poo poo such things, I do not, nor will I ever. I have way too many experiences through out my 47 years of life where such things have had great meaning and meanings that I never knew until later on and the dream was recalled by a life situation, to ever ignore them. It could possibly have been my mind trying to reconcile the situation. That’s fair. It’s wrong but it’s fair. That’s not what mine mean. Usually when I struggle with something that greatly and I can’t reconcile it, the dreams start. It’s really quite incredible. The post really made me angry and I didn’t finish it past the smiling icon they’d made, which was very funny. LOL Look I just laughed again.

Initially, I was only going to leave IM off a day or so, in order to collect my thoughts. I’ll finish later. I think there’s only a couple more to go. It’s all these little details isn’t it. All the things that lead up to some conclusion or “thing” in life.

I remember one conversation where they’d said, “People remember how you make them feel” It’s a bit out of context, I realize that, however This was in early May I believe and we’d just started IM’ing. I asked how I made them feel and they said “Valued”. That was one of the best compliments that I have ever gotten.

facelessOne of the things that I thought about over time was … how can a person who said this pull back that hard. I get it, different aspects of each person’s life experience do not equal what I would personally do and one should never compare one experience to another. They were always made sure to say that it was nothing I had done, it wasn’t me or anything I’d done it was their experience and “these are the reasons”. But… what about me? What about my fears, what about my life experiences. So you go from feeling like you matter, to feeling like it’s all just a dirty secret and the stalemate begins.

Over time, now that I’m beating the fuck out of this, the experience will fade and because the mind is kind it will temper things I see and feel and I’ll remember only the good parts. I still smile about certain things, as you can see through the prior posts.

Aaah but … Sue?
Yes?
Did you learn the lesson?
Fuck you.

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