~ Catfish 6 ~

My decision to make this blog only about the catfish situation was very difficult indeed. I love it here, I enjoyed all the people I met, the banter and the support. I was telling my friend this evening how this is the one thing, in my life, that I may never reconcile. It’s not because I don’t have the knowledge, mentally as to how to redirect it.

However we’re talking about real human emotions which I put into a situation wherein in the end I made a mistake with someone who I valued as a person and a friend. If I realized that I did something to another human being in this manner, based on MY personal knowledge … I would feel horrible. I respect that there are variables and if you just appeared here on this blog I would suggest you start from the beginning.

I remember, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, how I was worried about using this person in any way and I remember having a conversation with a co-worker about it. It was along the lines of my feeling as though I was filling a void in my life. This could very well be true, in part. It, I believe, was around the time where they’d responded to me that I should relax, this is how things go when we get to know one another which is in a prior post.

I am incredulous that I have not resolved this. It hurt. A lot.

I loved it here. I don’t anymore, not on this blog. Not like I did and even when I put up who I really am that was about me wanting to be honest and in that honestly, I think there was a lie. To myself. There were a lot of influences going on, I was busy meeting that feisty Red over there and I was also distracted by being more open and it was partially fueled by the situation with my friend. It was, if I deflected the truth as to when I put my picture up and then subsequently started the coaching blog and said it was not part of the sum, I would be full of shit. Meaning it was part of my internal struggle with the situation with this person which had started to affect me in a very bad way.

I thought I knew myself well. I know myself even better now. Thank you life lessons and fuck you. :) I learned a lesson I have not forgotten for well over a year because it’s in my face on various levels all the time.

About a month ago, someone I am friends with on Google put up something and it triggered such a strong emotional response in me as to “this” situation, I was beside myself. I literally had to pull back and ask myself a series of questions. Being..

1. You know this person a while, would they do that?
2. How much of what just hit you like a ton of bricks is “here and now” or “this past experience?”
3. Would this human being who did this thing bait you or put something up to hurt you, in any way shape or form.
4. The cross referencing began, like all those papers being flung in the air, with all the information I had (which is equally as extensive as this person I’m talking about) about this person and logic did win out because in the end, that is not who they are.

Then again, neither was my friend. I can not reconcile for myself how a person who once made me feel so safe to discuss and share any aspect of my life with and then show them who I was based on that relationship would yank my chain as badly as all that due to what?

“Nothing I had done”. They were right, I did not do anything to them ever, not ever. For me it was one of the first times in my life where I felt like I could share anything and they wouldn’t blink an eye. That, in of itself? I had never experience before. Not like that, not in the initial phase up through to approximately 7/8 months, maybe a little over that. Much later on I had a horrible thought that popped into my head and … I was busy trying to reconcile it and my mind quietly said…

He does this for a living, that’s his job. Of course you feel safe. It’s what he does.
But he shared things too right? I mean… didn’t he?
Only what he wanted to and what was on his blog. Anyone could see what he wrote.
Yeah but why spend that many hours with me?
I don’t know.
Wouldn’t you send a picture of yourself to a person you spoke to that often if they were afraid?
After a year?
Why didn’t he?
I don’t know.

It was quite the cluster fuck in my head as to my friend on Google and the wave of emotion that hit me square in the chest. I promise you that and while I would love to say that it had “Nothing” to do with this experience? I can’t because it was directly related to this. About a day or so later I was included in something personal which completely erased all the doubts I just described. I was so relieved, I felt all the anxiety and fear slip out of my system and damn, I was a giddy human being. I thought… when the fuck is this going to end?

For the record, I said and did nothing to the person because I realized it had nothing to do with this individual whatsoever and moreso it had everything to do with this experience. I was in awe. It was the thought that I had made a friend, who I see and have seen and know for almost a year now and that some how I’d made a massive mistake in judgment. I did it in this situation. One would have hoped that I learned from it and oh yeah, fuck you life lessons.

I think this is long enough for today. I will say I am still proud of myself because I could have been a complete and utter twat to my friend for no fucking reason and I have the good sense to not make someone else pay for my past experiences in life.

As I’ve gotten older, I have found the swirl of emotions hit a bit harder and I have to pay attention so that I do not put my prior experience on someone else who did nothing wrong. I don’t ever want to do that to another human being ever because I know how it feels, I’ve experienced this in the past with various things, in this Catfish experience and I would never want to make another human being pay for my life experiences in this manner.

Particularly knowing what I know. I want to say that I am again, proud of myself for cultivating new relationships as I have despite my fears. Because they are real and man… I hope like hell that in finishing this story, that I will finally have reconciled this for myself.

You know, like when a dog takes a shit, and then kicks the dirt out from under his feet and then… simply walks away. And… It was nothing I had done. SMH

Be good to each other. :)

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