I don’t feel that I completely hold onto things from the past. I see some where the first thing they tell you is what they went through years ago. I’ve written about it on here and I’m sure in conversation if it’s applicable I’ve also shared things … but … barring same or similar behaviors which resurrect these feelings, why on earth would you want to relive it and keep talking about it in this way? No. You don’t have to answer this question, I understand.
Insofar as processing things, I’ve referenced the folders in one’s mind where you have experiences neatly tucked away. I had to get the catfish thing off my chest, we’re not done with this really. Although writing about it has been very helpful.
The worst thing about not knowing who you were talking to or feeling that way about a person is when someone exhibits the same things, same behaviors or what have you or even something that reminds you of the person and such … it’s like, you’re kind of fine and then like 3/4 folders open up in your mind as to what you know about a person, what they’ve shared, the cross referencing begins with all this information colliding to come to some middle ground. Oh, yes, of course I learned one of those valuable life lessons, don’t ignore that which makes you uncomfortable. I say it all the time, certainly I should have known better.
What’s interesting is how much information cross references and then I realize, I don’t know if any of what was said to me was the truth as to things going on in their life. Certainly some of it was and it’s like … at some point, you hear the phrase, “it has nothing to do with you” (or anything you’ve done) yet they knew to say that, however I accepted this logic without really giving it real merit.
In other words, the reasoning behind not revealing who they were to me was based on some personal experience they’d had. If you flipped the information I’d been through such things that would have me thinking along those lines and yet … their reasoning was okay, because it was them doing it and yet I’d been through such things and more (which is why I accepted said reasons initially) however confusion would ensue and I’d think you know all the things I’ve been through and the idea that they really had all this trouble with showing me who they were … yet they appeared all the time. Just like I did in the beginning because it was fun and so cool. See the catfish 1-3.5 if you’re so inclined. The logic and the explanations were understandable however the confusion was all about not comprehending how this was used as the method behind which they chose not to show me who they were.
We could talk for hours, they could tell me all kinds of personal things and yet… oh, sure… anonymity… yeah, I get it. Oh, yes, life experience, I get it. The ultimate gift of course is that whole lesson I learned wherein you feel that you’ve met a person who you feel comfortable enough with to share things and it was, in part, a lie. Because if one feels that comfortable initially with another … why hide? I think the largest figurative punch in the face was the last interaction. It was said in a manner conducive to an office meeting they’d had. Addressed everything and was so logical and worded and yet … said nothing at all except a very loud, “No, I don’t intend on showing you who I am and here’s this well thought out, emotionless explanation for it” Initially, I was going to take a couple days off, think about it … and then, I noticed some things. Another day for said things.
So really, people, are going to do what they are going to do. In the end what I see on a consistent basis are people going around, just trying to be happy. I get it. You/I see all the little scars and marks and things they’re going through and their reactions to certain things based on what you know is past experience, learned behavior, hurts, heartaches, the anger, the confusion, all these things.
I tell you, the cross referencing in your mind as you think through things, not only the catfish shit but everything else life’s tossed at you and they tell you, “You have to learn the lesson from this experience”.
Oh. Yeah. I can’t imagine saying to another person, What did you learn from all of this?
Oh, yes. That those you place faith in or who are there for you, in some way … will inevitably let you down and pull the rug out from under your feet?
Well you have to be around people of like mind. :) Right? I do agree with this and then they say well… you shouldn’t have all these expectations… uh fuck, you. Because these are made by the person you are talking to, their actions, etc., so they are implanted by them … if you’re assuming things w/o asking or having a discussion, that poses a problem.
Cross referencing as to anything you’ve been through feels like … paper being flung into the air and you’re reading all these pages of information to find the truth or at minimum, your truth in all of this. It isn’t fun.
So you know, as to past experiences, you know when you’re over something emotionally and have come to terms with it when you can speak about it and you’re still calm inside.