~ Catfish 3.5 ~

There are things people do which lead to our expectations as to the natural way in which relationships build between people.

We share things, we go back and forth, we stick up for one another, we listen, we share. It’s simply the way that works. Period. You’re not going to tell me anything differently.

I’ve called this 3.5 vs., a whole number due to the very real fact that there are variables which do not count as a whole but add up over time between two people who have developed a relationship. When you speak to someone, on a regular basis and share personal things, move up to different levels of communication or sharing, it begins to morph into a friendship and becomes more of a whole. You see? Okay… moving on.

The individual I was speaking to, as referenced in Catfish 3 was here as often as I was over there in their blog. I started the emails, because that’s normal to me. Don’t forget, I’m like this puppy person wherein I get so excited and happy about things or I have a question or WHATEVER that I can (and have) bypass any filter wherein it says, “you should not do that”. Because at the time, it wasn’t a bad idea, so why not?

Indeed. Why not.

This individual was online as often as I was, either via their phone or their computer. That’s apparent based on how they post and of course, IP addresses. You follow me? I notice these things and for the love of ALL THAT IS DECENT PUHLEEZE LEMME GET A JOB WITH THAT GUY FROM LIE TO ME! Such observation skills should not be wasted. No. They should not. They should be honed like any other skill. Which reminds me, my brain has been screaming for more input lately. Anyway …

When I used to post I had a routine. I would open up my email, then click a link and come onto WordPress. So, interestingly enough, as we do become familiar with one another’s routines online, this person was always up too. So what? Who cares…that’s not my point.
What is my point is that as I had two windows open, I could see instantly what came in based on what I sent out. I’ll explain. Several times I’d gone private with this blog and I also had another blog at one point a while back which was thoroughly by invitation only. Any invitation I sent to this person was accepted within a 1-3 minute time frame. I would send out the invitation and POOF … I’d get a confirming email. I’d be all happy and shit like … “Yaaeee! My friend is coming!” That’s not a bad thing, just a point of interest. No more, no less.

This thought process is an insertion, if you will, as to what led up to the end.

I remember at one point, because I didn’t want to just use this person’s brain based on how soothing he was, like… I simply did not want to use a person based on what they knew. I worried about, at one point, that I didn’t just want to ask them questions I wanted it to be a fair friendship. You know, give and take and since I asked so many questions and was all puppy like and shit. I brought it up.

Their response was … I could go look it up, I save things, all things, so I have it. Believe me lol :) Basically they scolded me and said, this was via email, how this is what people do as they get to know one another. Relax.

My first thought was, Fuck you, don’t tell me to relax (yah they never knew that part) because I hate when I’m worried about something and I hear “Relax”. However, I knew what they meant. So, it was all good.

See, that’s the natural way of things. Isn’t it? When we develop a relationship with one another, you do, in fact, open up and reveal things about yourself over time. This situation was no different.

One of my first puppy like, gleeful emails to said person I told them my name. Oh and my name is “Plah” by the way. Yes, Plah is a very bland name, isn’t it? :) This was prior to the above where I’d been worried, WAY in the beginning. They didn’t offer their name in return. I thought… really? Course, you remind yourself it’s all good because we are in an anonymous forum here, perhaps the name shown is their name. Yet, it never left my mind and some months later, someone I spoke to much less was like … “Oh and I think it’s only fair that I tell you may name, it’s “plah”. Can you believe it? Their name is PLAH TOO! lolol :)

My point being here is, one person offers up their name after some interaction, yet another person, after going back much more often, does not. Oh well, are they not entitled to their boundaries? Later on down the line when you brought it up, didn’t they tell you? I’m going to have to go back, I can tell.

As much as I enjoyed talking to them, after a while due to these inconsistencies, I started feeling … like something was missing. And, I began to realize while I mean everything I’ve said prior, I always felt at arms length. This is a sense you get from someone, you can’t touch it, you can’t SEE it… it’s something you feel on an intuitive level. Of course I brought it up and they assured me it was nothing I’d done, that it was due to some experiences they’d had and they went into it at length and told me their name.

Months and months later, we’d be talking about something, I’d mention something they’d said prior and they’d be like, “who told you that?” I’d be like, “YOU did”…

See, the part where they went into the “why” of it all, which is none of your business, it said to me, they valued the friendship too, otherwise, why explain? To me, as is the theme of this particular post… because it’s the natural way of things and how we build a relationship.

LOL … Oh man. Nope. I am not being malicious. It is not my intent at all. I also remember, I was told I could ask anything I wanted of them and them of me, with no holes barred. Which was great, we had a lot of conversations.

So… the natural curve of things was that when we get to know one another better, I should relax.
The natural curve of things is to share ones name, over time, I’d think… you’ve already established a relationship, not a romantic one… a friendship whereby you’re talking, a part of one another’s day on many levels and you have card blanche to ask one another anything you like.

Save one. Who are you and can I have a real picture of you.

I remember, one time, I was all like…Oh this is a trust thing and I sent them my website so they could see me as well and… LMAO! Duh, based on what they do, later on I thought… “Self? You’re an idiot.” You see, I thought, based on what had transpired, including understanding what was shared with me as to the “why” of it all that it was … that if I was open, they’d feel safer too.

And do you know why? Because … “It really did not have anything to do with me”.

And every time I would bring it up and was shot down, in a very nice articulate way, with a deal designed to have me chose their way, or their way… very good. I must say. Anyway… I would fall back on prior conversations and based on the amount of contact we had …

After a while, I began to, not enjoy it as much. I couldn’t see who I was talking to … and my anxiety grew. You can say, “You need to own your part” and my friend told me this. And I had owned my part in it.

I’m a puppy, I’m overly friendly, I trusted this person, they were here all the time, they accepted invitations in minutes, they were kind, they were here…all the time. They shared things with me… etc., etc.

What was so wrong with, something that I found to be a normal cultivation of a friendship that I should have stopped it sooner and for that matter, not fed into it initially?

I was SO excited about it all… I gave away my intelligence and in wanting to see the good from it, because I have made new friends in this way up through to the present, it’s the way that works…

In this particular case, I gave away my intelligence. You have NO idea how angry I was at myself for that.

Because… it was nothing I’d done, it had nothing to do with me.

And yet… it did.

More another day.

oh and no, I’m not up for advise on this. This is about me. Thank you. :)

Ooooh and don’t even DARE make this about you and how YOU would feel. Because we’re not talking about whomever may read this. I am discussing mine. We on the same page? Good. Meaning, these are my feelings on the matter, they are my own yours are yours. Okay? Okay. If you would like to share your own story, that’d be fine.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Personal growth. Bookmark the permalink.