~ Exquisite Pain * Yeeeouch! ” (Relationships)

I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had over the weekend and the person reminded me of something very important in their concise way. :) I LOVE reminders because sometimes, in my desire to see the good in someone else, I ignore the things that will cause me hurt, pain, disappointment, etc., later on.

I’ve read countless times that “we have no control over others” and this is very true. However, you do have control over the most important person in your life. Come on … guess who that is. Noooo, don’t be shy, GUESS!!!!

YOU. You always have control over you.

We don’t bring other people’s actions or lack thereof on ourselves intentionally. Sometimes it sneaks up on us because we assume they think like us, have the same values or we impose who we think they are ON the other person because that’s what we thought we saw. At least in part … it’s good to see good things in other people.

It’s also good to pay attention. I’ve been reading “that book” (evil thing that it is) by Gary Zukav and coupled up with everything else I’ve read comes some amazing clarity… it’s something I already knew, however a reminder never, ever hurts. I’m a fan.

I thought about how there have been times where due to the actions, or lack thereof, from another person I’ve experienced exquisite emotional pain due to disappointment in a relationship.

Now, I’m going to tell you how to avoid it. If you are in a situation that feels same or similar to one from your past and the individual you are dealing with makes you uncomfortable or you feel uneasy and you ignore the very clear intuitive warning signs that you body gives you “under any circumstance” or for “any good reason”… it’s the definition of insanity because when those things are triggered for you (i.e., emotional triggers brought on by someone else’s behavior or lack thereof) it will cause exquisite pain because not only did you feel it and sense it…

But you made rational excuses for it based on seeing the good. I’m a fan of seeing the good, I’m not a fan of seeing the undertow a person can have and ignoring it because… inadvertently, you cause your own exquisite pain down the line by ignoring what you feel. What you feel will never let you down.

Am I saying that you are responsible for someone else’s actions or lack thereof? No. Absolutely not.

People do things with all kinds of agenda’s (the good, the bad and the ugly) What matters the most in YOUR LIFE is you work on paying attention to what you want in your life and sticking to it. Someone else’s fears, bad experiences etc., are understandable. You paying for them emotionally, mentally and/or physically (in the abusive sense or any other sense barring “healthy” supportive relationships) is never acceptable.

People will do what you allow them to do. It is just that simple. I think the biggest mistakes I’ve made over the years is ignoring my intuition. It’s always there, nagging, poking, prodding … I mean, here’s the thing, someone else may be doing something that makes you feel uneasy, uncomfortable, fearful, off balance, unnerved, confused … so what’s this got to do with you anyway?

Many people, with good intentions, assume that if they are understanding, patient, supportive, etc., that their payoff in the end will be a great relationship or some kind of mutuality and understanding from this other person and “in part” this could be true.

I submit for your twirling around thought processes that while it’s great to be “that nice” or “that good” to another person … it’s not supposed to be at your mental, emotional and/or physical expense.

If you struggle with letting someone go who makes you feel badly, on any level and you’ve discussed it … I submit that the only reason you hold on to that situation is because of some of the following thought processes, ready?

Q: What if I needed that type of support and someone walked away from me?
A: There is healthy support of others and there is draining support of another person and toleration of things that will drag you through the mud later on. Think about that…

Q: What if I let them go and someone else makes them happy, gets them, they change and I miss it?
A: It didn’t work for you. What they’re doing after they’re gone? Is none of your business. YOU are your business.

Q: But I tried so HARD! Isn’t that worth something?
A: Yes, yes it is… now try that hard on yourself, so this doesn’t happen again.

Q: Does it make you a bad person to walk away?
A: No. It’s like alcoholism, sometimes people need to hit bottom, in their own time in order to see the forest for the trees and the mind is so tricky … however it’s not up to you. They have to see it.

See … for me, years ago I would have felt helpless to help the person but it was always heavily interlaced with the other side of helplessness. Because I’ve always known that when I feel helpless … it’s not primarily because “I can’t help this other person” … It’s because I know I’ll walk away.

You can’t make someone else see things from your perspective, no matter how well intended you may be. It’s not how this all works. People have to come to realize things because they are open to them… and in time, if people change later on down the road (and I’ve had this happen) this is STILL NOT ABOUT YOU …

They changed because they realized that they needed to. And people have to come to this place in their life on their own. And this is never about you.

As food for thought today … if you have experienced exquisite pain in the past, and you’re feeling something that will create it again … “It’s not the other person as a whole”. They may be doing whatever that feeds into whatever you’re feeling and it’s 100% valid to acknowledge that aspect of the situation.

You still have a choice though, you have all the control in the world over what is in your life, how you feel, what you’re going to do about it and you “never have to feel” that kind of pain again, if you’re paying attention to who?

“Yourself” You will struggle with this thought process, I have in the past. This doesn’t relieve someone else from the things they do and/or do not do. This isn’t about them. This is about YOU … if you put up with things that don’t work for you … “IN PART” you perpetuate things that you say you don’t want.

It’s the definition of insanity. Doing the same things over again and expecting a different outcome. If it feels the same to you and you KNOW that it will hurt you later … I mean YOU KNOW … because your body is telling you by the amount of confusion and anxiety you feel … I think that you’re worth more than substandard. Aren’t you?

If something strikes a fear in you and you discuss it with that person and it resolves itself. That was your fear and you’ve addressed it. Which is awesome… If it returns again and again, something is off balance. It’s always going to come back to you and how you feel about what’s going on in your life. If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it’s a duck.

Addendum Post. Something I forgot to say here, it’s very short. Oopsie!

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24 Responses to ~ Exquisite Pain * Yeeeouch! ” (Relationships)

  1. “You can’t make someone else see things from your perspective, no matter how well intended you may be”… SO true, its all about their own experience upon their own emotional journey.. We can only advise and be there.. And often many just want to keep on churning it all around and never heal, so will not accept help..
    Healing has to come from themselves and they have to want to be healed.
    Our Pain, and Turmoil’s as you have rightly said, need to be experienced.. for that is shaping us to be who we are today.. for I certainly know, without ‘Feeling’ my own Pain, I wouldnt be who I am today… So those Ouches, need to come ..

    I hope though there are not too many more ouches along the road of self discovery MC.. for you and for me..
    Love to you.. Sue

    • MysteryCoach says:

      I’m nodding my head at you. Can you SEE ME!? :) I expect more ouches along the way and many years ago I came up with the perfect thought process about it which is, “I simply did not know” … and the mind is kind, my mind is very kind. It buries things and it skips along merrily seeing the good in other people and forgetting about the past and these are all good things. Not in the present ouches mind you, I’m going to pay attention like I know I can from hereon in. No more surprises for me. Not when I’m intelligent and self aware enough to know better. And I am …

      Self discovery is GOOD ! :) Ouches and tears mean we’re healing. I’m game :) OH YAH! No really… it’s really good for ya… what goes in, must come OUT.

      You’ll be o’tay Sue :) You’ll see … I have complete and utter faith in you.

      • Bless you MC… :) … We cannot experience one without the other. And Im happy you have ‘Faith’ in me.. That gives me a Whole lot more FAITH in ME!! .. Hugs to you my friend xx

        • MysteryCoach says:

          Me not yike experiencing one without the other… euchy, ptooey! GROSS! ICK! hahaha!

          Good ! You say faith, I say tomatoe :) Whaaaaaaaaaatever makes you happy. GOOD I’m glad … mmwa. :)

    • MysteryCoach says:

      p.s. I still reserve the right to kick evil people’s asses now and then…roflmao! You know, if I can’t walk away and I’m stuck with them at work… hahahaha! That’s FUNNY ! Well maybe I can learn how to let that roll off … we’ll see wha’happans.

      • :-D Big Smiles… MC.. and you know what, Anger is all part of releasing too.. Maybe I pent up too much along the way. As it all came out in tears.. But that was a different life.. and Im back on my road.. Love Ya! ;-)

        • MysteryCoach says:

          LOL! I agree … Well, you know? anger is a frightening thing to people, I’m not afraid of anger I think it’s a healthy sign that someone is doing something that isn’t good which triggers a strong emotional response and my anger never comes out unless provoked by mean people, bad behavior etc., evil stuff. EUCH…

          But, once you get past the anger and recognize the hurt and fear behind it? That’s much better… It’s a nice road to be on. Mwa :) I have a slap man here you could beat the hell out of hahaha! It’s a very good way to redirect yourself and get down to what really bothers you once you get the uglies out of your system. But that’s my way … I’m not so uncomfortable with anger. Have a good day :)

  2. rebecca2000 says:

    Great post! It is very true. It is difficult at times not to make things about us.

    • MysteryCoach says:

      Thank you :) It’s always about us in the end. Because if we ignore things, it’s not like they’re going to go away.

      It’s about other people too and what they’re doing as well. We get the fun of siphoning through it all.

  3. Pingback: ~ Addendum to Exquisite Pain ~ | MysteryCoach

  4. andy1076 says:

    I may have read this backwards, but dang i needed this. In my case, I’ve done nothing but constantly give everything. Eventually, I had enough of it all being just one way. Thank you for sharing :)

    • MysteryCoach says:

      Hey :) No, you didn’t misread it. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with giving and caring and doing what we feel is the right thing for someone. You’re correct though, if there’s no reciprocity, no mutuality, the person’s not on the same page as you, you can drag it out and “hope” or you kinda hafta … stop and be like, HEY! I really care about this person but this doesn’t work for me, it’s hurting me, it’s scaring me, you feel empty or whatever it is in that particular situation. If you can’t discuss it and you know, come to some type of understanding and you feel miserable MORE than you feel good and you’re chasing all the time ? I mean, sadly, there does come that point where you have to let go…

      You’re welcome. :)

    • MysteryCoach says:

      p.s. When I’ve had to do this, I know I did my best to address it and there’s that point where you reach a stalemate. There’s nothing you can do in certain situations except exit with dignity and respect the other person’s not where you are.

      I say it like it’s “so” easy. I know, it sucks sometimes. I hear you.

  5. Pingback: ~ Exquisite Pain * Yeeeouch! ” (Relationships) « My story to you..

  6. nenskei says:

    Making up it with yourself, I guess that’s all better than keeping asking throughout years if what you’ve give/done is enough or not?
    Tho can we really avoid expecting even less of it if motive is being shown?

    • MysteryCoach says:

      I’m not sure what you’re asking to be honest with you. Are you asking me if the person is doing “something” if you walk away? I’m sorry… :) Would you mind saying this again?

  7. Needed to read this & will likely use this blog as my reminder. Going to share these words of wisdom, too. Thank you. :D

  8. Nisha says:

    Yeeeouch! Gosh! I am such a crybaby. I see myself smeared all over this post! OMG! Thank you for this link. This is something that I need implanted in my brain DAILY! Is there a drip for this? LOL. I’ve been through so much pain in trying to love, not saying how I REALLY feel, waiting for someone to change, the what ifs, settling, etc. Wow. What you said right here makes so much sense. Soooooooooooooooo much sense!

    • MysteryCoach says:

      Hey :) you’re not a cry baby… you realize a couple things is all … s’okay :)

      Psstt… go see this one, bring tissues… I told ya honey, we live and learn. It’s okay … c’ome’ere, gimme hug… :)

      http://mysterycoachdsi.com/hoping-this-guy-is-it/

    • MysteryCoach says:

      LOL is there a drip for this? HAHAHAHA! That’s so funny! Actually, it takes practice, it takes you honoring and valuing yourself and pushing through being afraid to say what you want and what you’re all about. AND contrary to popular belief, you don’t even have to be one of those nasty bitches we’ve all seen. You discuss it and then (as you tremble because you’re going to be nervous) you say…”That doesn’t work for you” … That part sucks… but … otherwise, we keep doing the same thing over and over again and thinking it will change… they don’t change, they are who they are. Let them be them, you do you…

      • Nisha says:

        Great advice, especially the tremble part. I will definitely have the shakes lol.

        • MysteryCoach says:

          It’s like a new muscle :) an emotional one… and it’s unnerving, it really is… I find that I still feel scared when I have to address something even today. I also know, if I don’t… it will bother me more later and I’d rather say it, then hold it in.

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