Reaction Free Zone …

Originally posted 8/24/11. Relative to something else I wanted to talk about today and I’m putting some things back on here that are relative to all the things I like to talk about. Someone mentioned to me last night, nice person certainly, that they admire my diligence as it pertains to going after the bad guy. I mentioned I’d like to relax and be calm, carefree etc., and they were of the mind to be relaxed and just do what you have to do. Something like that, they meant well, I’m positive of it. I had 4 paragraphs in my mind as to how it’s not so easy for me at all. I went with thank you and they could go after them, I’d run whoever over with my car if they couldn’t handle it. (end preface)

Being highly sensitive to external stimulus (who isn’t) on all levels, visual, touch, emotional… I’ve read and learned about how to master our emotions. Yet they are an integral part of who we are because we’re emotional beings. Yes?

We use emotions so many different ways. Some use it to manipulate because it works. Not always in a healthy way either. There are good methods of manipulation too, which are used to motivate a person in a healthy way. I’ve always found this to be a double edged sword. This isn’t what I want to talk about though.

I am an avid fan of Anthony Robbins as well as many other things pertaining to personal growth. Emotions is one of the most important aspects, because when something happens, we react to it. I’m not sure how you can’t. Robbins talks about mastering your emotions and how we can temper what it means to us and how we feel, so that we can react better. Not solely out of anger or jealousy etc., to me I’ve listened to his tapes and records over and over again. I have the principles down. What I have learned, is that there are simply those emotions we have to move through vs. learn how to “control”. NORMAL ranges of emotions like grief as an example. You don’t rationalize grief. How about childhood wounds and scars we go around trying to fix in our adult relationships? You don’t rationalize those away, you identify them and sometimes then knock you on your ass.

I remember Dr. Phil has a book, he describes counseling a woman was molested by an Uncle in early childhood. He tapped her into how that felt emotionally, led her to her rage, suppressed emotions which made her difficult to deal with and all of her arms length self protective mechanisms… and then, he did a wonderful thing. When she hit rage … when she was right there in that moment… he turned her around and there was a dummy with a picture of the guy who molested her and he told her to tell it off (the real asshole was dead) take out all her rage, hatred and pain on this dummy. What happened thereafter was she wasn’t holding this in any longer and she became the loving person she was all along, however had difficulty expressing due to her experience. See, that was amazing and I remember she had apologized to her husband for being afraid all those years to let him “in” emotionally due to what had happened to her.

The exercise created a safe environment for her to let all of that rage, hurt, pain, shame, out of her system. Years of suppressed emotions, flooding gleefully to the surface. I’m a fan of what goes in must come out. You don’t just become this reaction free zone. WTF? You can learn to manage your emotions better, how you react etc., however … reaction free?

Robbins talks about how to manage things and how you feel about things, how you can learn to process… I assure you though, you touch on something significant and it will knock you to your knees. I’ve already been there, that’s why all these things combine together. A coach should be used in conjunction, in my personal belief, with a psychologist. I don’t believe we should have one without the other.

Life, your memories, things you have been through and the things you see, dig up and have emotional affects on us. To deny this, to use rational thinking as the ONLY guide, to me is not a good idea. To have tools to temper us and heal, excellent idea.

To assume something we know about ourselves on a subconscious level is going to flit out the moment we’re asked, perhaps after not verbalizing it “ever”… takes time. Thought, and remember most people are not asked these questions on a day to day basis, most people are walking around contending with their own stuff. We are emotional beings. If you suppress things, you can end up sick, depressed, angry… etc., What goes in, must come out and you need a safe environment where you trust the people around you as to what you are going through.

Having the tools to do this, is a wonderful, wonderful thing. Your attitude, you’re perspectives, you experiences and how you process them are all very important aspects of personal growth.

You’re going to FEEL … what goes in must come out. And it will come out, I promise you that. The only thing I shy away from is the thought process that we can think our way out of an emotion that we’ve recently discovered. A hurt from the past, a reaction… picture seeing someone kick a puppy… you going to stand there and let that happen? Or, elder abuse… no reaction? Maybe instead of slapping the tar out of the attendant which would get you into trouble, you go after them legally. Sure, that’s much better. I agree, manage your emotions more effectively make the right choices, let it pass and process… okay. Great.

Sure, we have self control. Some may not, I may not when I see someone being hurt, (digression) except for a 10 second window of I can’t believe what I’m seeing here…

I mean, people? Growth is great, comes with a lot of self awareness and processing and learning. However you don’t get to a reaction free, completely free zone. I’m sorry this is something I go back and forth on in my mind over and over… we can temper it, but where does it go? That, no one has ever answered for me… I’d like that. An answer to that question… WHERE does it go…

(Edit: If you do not address whatever that thing is, it will come up again when same or similar situations present itself. Even if you’ve forgotten all about it and it’s something old. Some people remember the origin of things over time you don’t “have” to remember where it came from to work on the emotional reaction you have. That’s where CBT is very helpful.

Some, people don’t like psychologists because there seems to be a stigma still to this day that they are crazy. When I tried seeing a counselor, I had to report the one and the other was a “pastor” of all things, who was so despicably manipulative I felt uncomfortable just being in the room with him. I was looking for the tools. The problem was they didn’t have what I needed. Aside from the fact I ran circles around them. I had to tell one guy to keep me on topic. I caught myself skirting an issue and I called and left him a message and asked him to pay attention.

I’m not saying all counselors are bad, these were my experiences, however there are books and books and websites and you type in a word and you can learn so many things. So many valuable things to help yourself. You need support though… you need to be part of a group that’s momentum is UP … and there will be down days too, however the overall feel of the group must be supportive and safe.

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12 Responses to Reaction Free Zone …

  1. Elias Cresh says:

    Nope, you were right the first time. All counselors are bad.

    • mysterycoach says:

      You know, I don’t believe they are all bad. I have an aversion to them due to my experiences. However, there was this one old guy. He kept up, he was really cool but I only saw him once because he moved. I think they get drained like anyone else. The one who made a pass at me was already under investigation, which was horrible because you’re behind closed doors and someone with less self esteem would have thought it was something “they” did. Which I did not. I gave that facility the riot act I assure you. I also called the board and told them if they needed me to come in, I would be happy to. Turns out he was hitting on a lot of women during sessions. That’s despicable behavior.

      Why do you think they’re all bad? (insert inquisitive look)

      • Elias Cresh says:

        I’ve known QUITE a few in my time. By and large, they have a God complex, which is TOTALLY undeserved in even the most minor of ways. Also, they tend to overemphasize things that make them feel good instead of their clients. You don’t know how many stories I’ve heard about, “And then the client did _____ and i knew it was a meaningful moment.” Then 6 months later they’re back smoking crack or paying for prostitutes or something.

        • mysterycoach says:

          eeeeuuwwww… pompous asses. I can’t stand that. Not even a little bit. The problem too is that people are easily led and … holy shit. In my humble opinion, they’re treating everyone in a textbook fashion, not as a person. It bothers me IMMENSELY that they don’t pay attention. You ever see the movie Patch Adams? The beginning of that movie shows that behavior specifically.

          Or, as to the God complex, have you seen the movie, “What About Bob?” Richard Dreyfuss and Bill Murray! Dreyfuss had the God complex and Bob, was kinda like me. LOL … he took the information provided and morphed it into what worked for him. And then Murray went on to write a book that became a best seller. (oh shit)

          I had one guy who I had to shut down. I don’t remember how we got on this topic but we were talking about shoveling shit, like with horses. He said, you need a job with more dignity. That pissed me off… I said, really? (rubs little hands together)

          I said, I have friends who raised standardbred racehorses, who are now retired on a 300 acre farm who shoveled shit. Whats so demeaning about that? He shut up. (flutters eyelashes at screen… whut?)

  2. Ok I’m a believer of…. Bury it … And walk awAy…. Why do you want to dredge up something that has been supressed? I say leave it at the bottom of the sea and move on…

    • mysterycoach says:

      I used to be a fan of bury it and walk away too. Depending on what it was. However, if it’s something really important that hurt, it comes out in other ways. Like, ever have a bad day at work? Can’t tell your boss to go fuck himself. Then you get in the car and everyone around you is a @$#%@$ ! You buried how you felt at work maybe, but it’s going to come out other ways.

      OR your in a situation with someone and something they do hits a nerve and you’re all over that. Like, on a scale of one to ten, you’re at like 8 and really it could have only been a 1 or 2 reaction. You’re reacting to the old situation (believe it or not) because it’s been triggered by a new situation. Which we don’t recall … we’re simply reacting to it now, but the reaction is more powerful because of the past. Does this make sense?

      And sometimes we don’t have to dredge it up really, after a while these things just come up. Unfortunately, we don’t know why we’re reacting, it just happens, which … you know? If we address the reaction over time, we can temper how we react to new things. However, sometimes, not getting to the root of the problem makes it come up over and over again until we’ deal with it. Like, we can learn not to react, what makes us upset, and then learn to control how we react. Whether we want it to come up or not, it’s in our mind neatly tucked away and it comes up. One way or the other, what goes in must come out.

      OH! I have one! (because this is fun for me, you know puzzles and all) Pretend someone does something that reeeally annoys you. You bury it, it’s okay. They do it again, you’re annoyed, next time they do it, because you didn’t address it the first 2 times, you just yell at them because you’ve had enough. They have NO idea what your problem is.

      You can control and suppress how you react, however other things, are things that hurt so badly, your body tries to protect you from (repression ~ you can google it too) but it’s in there. Something just has to set it off.

      • mysterycoach says:

        p.s. I wasn’t exactly a “fan” as I said above MT, I didn’t know any other way to deal with how I felt. I really should have said that instead.

  3. you are right i do explode when there is repetition on something… then you have no choice…

    but why go to a therapist to dredge something up.. only to relive it and then go and deal with it.. its like opening a can of worms and getting slugs and mice (urghh!) too…

    • mysterycoach says:

      It happens. :) What I have found is that whether we want to dredge something up or not, sometimes it just comes up and if it interferes with my life and it’s causing me a problem, I want to confront it and see if I can remedy it, work through it so I don’t have to go through it again. I am part of the problem at times.

      if you go by other things I’ve read, we’re always part of the problem because of how we react to a situation, which I understand. Other things just come up when we least expect it.

      I don’t like dredging things up, it does seem ass backwards. I like forward movement better too. I’m in one of those really tired slap happy moods right now, I’m trying to just answer this but my mind isn’t cooperating.

      I have to go but I’ll be back later… :) closing the office.

  4. i do get you… i think im more practical than emotional.. its amazing what does get me emotional… and i have taught myself to just switch off… probably worse for me in the long run.. because i keep thinking that one day im gonna get hit by an avalanche of emotions… and i wont be able to keep my guard up or have the ability to switch off.

    • mysterycoach says:

      Well what goes in must come, maybe the things you turn off other times, come out later. That’s definitely a given. It’s hard to walk around with our guard up all the time… Mine used to be anger. I’d react, there was no pause like there is now. It’s hard to open ourselves up and be honest because we don’t learn that.

      And honesty, at times, seems to come with consequences we don’t like. We lose someone, we see something we say it, people get angry … you end up fighting. Who wants to do that? Not me. Hate that … hated when I had to do it. Hated losing people because of it.

      I’ll use myself. :) I was married to that meanie guy right? I had found out he died. Way too young, this poor kid was so messed up. After his death I ended up reconciling with his family, who I loved very much. The ones I met up with, didn’t have blinders on as it pertained to him. This was at least 13 years later. Under the surface I was always afraid of him. Running into him, seeing him, anything… plainly put, if we saw one another it’s very simple mentality with him. It would have been me or him. It wasn’t going to be me. No one should walk around feeling that fear for that length of time.

      I went home and I was heavily into coaching and reading things and learning. I sat down to write her a letter. I never sent it, it was just a healing tool. You write out everything you need to say to get it out. It was about 10 pages long. When I was done, I cried for an hour, I couldn’t get off the chair that’s how badly I broke down. That’s 13 years of fear, anger, sadness, hurt … all coming out. Know what?

      I felt better. I told his sister that I was sorry he had passed but I was glad he was gone. She understood… that was a very healing thing, to be able to see her and tell her face to face how I felt. Her too actually. So, see… honey, what goes in, must come out. When I was done? I felt better. So, if you ask me if I think it’s a good thing, the answer is yes.

      I also think we need the personal privacy and space to do this. Or we need definitely to be with people we trust and can open up to. I was VERY fortunate to have his cousin Ronnie and his sister to talk to about this. I was very lucky, most people are not that fortunate in this type of situation. Do I think it’s necessary to dredge up? No… but it will come up anyway at some point.

      We are human. We crack… and it’s okay. I’m not ashamed of this story … for saying so’s sake. I couldn’t be more grateful for having had the opportunity to confront this issue and work through it. I’m not saying I liked it … I am saying I’m better for it.

  5. mysterycoach says:

    I apologize ! You’re not a mind reader! The letter I was referring to was written to his sister that I never sent after I’d seen them. Still tired :) LOL still not thinking oh so clearly.

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