I developed a mindset as to physicians at some point years ago. Most revere doctor’s in their little white coats and the stethoscope draped neatly around their neck, and look to them to solve the most important mystery. Their health and what to do in order to maintain it or save someone they love who may be ill. Right? No small feat, years of experience and expertise under their belt is definitely a good thing, and we benefit from it.
All take what is called the Hippocratic Oath (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=20909) when they become physicians. There are two versions in this link the older one and the revised version. My favorite portion of the second version can be found on the lower portion of the page. It states: My links did not work, I did something wrong. Ugh… sticks out bottom lip… Oh well.
“I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or the chemist’s drug.”
Now, I have a short story and then we’ll move onto my thought process here. I went to gynecologist when I was younger and was prescribed something called for what’s known as PMDD, which is also referenced in the link provided. Keep reading, this is not only about women issues, whereby men can be seen running in the other direction for a pair of ear plugs. I do have an issue with prescription happy doctors though, they scare the hell out of me.
If you want to know how deeply you can deny how any one person can make you feel, keep reading. If it doesn’t matter to you and you are happy with the way things are, that’s okay too. But stop reading now if the later is your thought process.
The symptoms were presented to the doctor when I went for a physical due to feeling so disoriented and confused most of the time. The doctor, while I may have lied at the time because “he’s the physician” as to what I was hiding out from, prescribed this serafem. It’s for PMDD (http://www.depression-guide.com/pmdd-medication.htm) as the link describes and so, I took it for all of 3 days. I took my daughter to school that day, went home and sat there on the couch, feeling … quite suicidal. I called the doctor’s office, spoke to the nurse told her I felt really bad and she says, “Don’t worry, your body will adjust in a couple weeks.”
Uhm… really? Oh, hell no, fuck you. What was left of my brain in that moment made me get up 5 minutes after that phone call and I promptly flushed those puppies. Mentally I was just massively fucked up. I don’t care who you are, what license you have been issued or your little prescription pad and all it’s power. I’m not taking that crap any more.
Next was an appointment with a cardiologist for the chest pains I was having, which on various occasions would travel down my left arm giving me a numbing sensation, to make sure my heart was running properly. They gave me a stress test, running like a hamster on a little wheel, with all the trimmings as to the little monitors they stick to your chest, hooked me up to a machine and declared that I was healthy as a horse.
I looked at the nurse as I left and I said, “So I’m fine. There is nothing physically wrong with me?” She seemed surprised, almost as if she thought she was talking to a hypochondriac. Can’t say as I blame her, I may have thought that myself. I remember leaving the office and my mind said to me, “Are you done looking to yourself to see if there is something wrong with you?”
Mind: Are you done looking to yourself to see if there is something wrong with you?
Mind: Are you done looking at all these health issues when you know what the true issue is?
Mind: Time to let go.
Me: I agree. Lets do this.
Interestingly enough, the only reason I went to the doctor was to avoid the truth of the situation I was involved in. Follow the bouncing ball here folks. Ready?
The guy I was going out with at the time was a royal pain in the ass. He was insecure, which led to distrust of me, really of all people, which led to arguing and his perception of the world was quite skewed. In my attempt to be helpful or supportive (at minimum) and because relationships require WORK (although not this much work) I stuck it out as long as my body could take it. Now that I’m thinking about it here, I probably also extended myself too much because he was the first relationship I was involved in after myself and my daughter’s father didn’t work out.
So, as to this person, we’re talking about the covertly manipulative, mentally abusive male here. Rationalizations would tip toe across tight ropes, promises of change would suck you back in (even to the point of him breaking down and crying) and you would hear the words and the actions never followed for an extended period of time. Talk is cheap. Manipulation in this persons head ruled.
The only time this person sought mutuality and open discussion was when he was trying not to lose me. The tactics to gain my good graces worked for a little while, we want to believe the pretty pictures wo/men like this can create in our heads during the good behavior periods. However, that’s not who they are at their core. Do I have empathy for this person now? Sure I do… do I want him around? No, I do not. Way too strong of an emotional trigger for me and it was based solely on their behavior.
All my symptoms were not due to some medical condition but were directly related to the emotional manipulations of one person. I remember, he would say, “No one will ever love you like I do”. One day, I turned to him (because the statement always confused me) and I said, “I hope not”.
After I left the cardiologists office, the process of breaking up with this person started. Because it’s not like they go away right away. Primarily because they assume, you’ll cave at some point and time, like you’ve done before. I understand. Even a year later, they called me on my birthday. I was, quite livid. Go. Away.
Here’s the thing, people are often buried so deeply in their desire to believe that the person in front of them has “potential”, they focus on the pretty pictures in their mind, based on what a person said, that they bury their own feelings. The body knows… it gives people very significant warning signs. As I went through above. I did not have ALL the symptoms of PMDD, nor had I ever had those symptoms in the past, but we get older… we have denial and the fogging over of the truth because we would rather something be “good” versus what it is.
I have a problem with prescription medications because while I understand that these symptoms are real and they are a medical illness and I understand that men and women hold tightly to secrecy of their situations at home, due to secrecy and shame, why is there not a better screening process?
So you know, I finally broke it off with this person. Guess what? Symptoms, over time, vanished.
So, my question, for those of you quietly going around pretending that someone or something in your life is not an issue… is, at what point, do you stop? I understand it’s painful to admit to certain things, I understand the secrecy and the confusion. However, my question is this … how long do you tolerate bad behavior, before it literally kills you?
If this is the only person, who makes you feel bad. Why are you still entertaining them? We are the common denominator in our relationships.
Sure, you can argue this point with me, however you’re not going to win. It’s a very integrated thought process based on all the things out there in psychology and medical sites. Medical issues can and are real. I’m not saying they’re not… I am saying, to pay attention to the root causes of these symptoms. People can bury shit … under the guise of doing the right thing for years.
Stress and these diagnoses have been proven to cause physical illness in people and I can see why. You tolerate stress at work too. Could be a boss who makes you feel so badly… this is when knowing yourself becomes pretty handy. All I was doing, and I knew it on a very quiet level, was ticking off health issues. When that was done, I had to confront the source of the problem.
2. The individual I was involved with.
Still following the bouncy ball? Good.
I’m not saying those of you on medications do not need them. I am saying… pay attention to the external sources in your life. I am not a physician I just know what I know. I feel that there needs to be a different screening for certain medications. I don’t know how that would be accomplished though. I’m also saying that I really want people to be more self aware to avoid this type of thing happening to them.
It’s part of why I wrote my post yesterday afternoon. I listen, I see, I sense… I know too much. Good, bad or indifferent, I know too much. It all intermingles together like pieces of a puzzle. I still hate labels but they enable me to look things up, and they’re valuable, which is always helpful.
I have a pretty strong belief that I have a guardian Angel. I don’t know if this type of things exists, however I assure you…
Whatever it may be that watches over me … I get answers all the time. I may not hear them right away but I think we all get them. We just … simply, do not want to hear.