~ The Million Dollar Baby ~ Blacksheep #8

Where was I. As an aside, this had to be, the most tumultuous day I have had in quite some time. I’m in awe of it all, work was bizarre as hell and I lost a person who I thought was a friend. Well, it was the beginning of a friendship to me anyway. One cannot ask for something and then not do it themselves, this makes no sense to me. Same goes for anything else in life. If you have a standard in life, you must follow it yourself. It goes both ways. I mean this literally and your goal, if you give this deeper thought, is to not only put that out but expect it in return. I do.

Well, onward. When my father died, I was the executrix to his estate. It was my responsibility to right the mess he’d made due to his medical condition, which was worse than I’d been told as well as the people who were literally taking advantage of him. Those people were dealt with accordingly. I’m not talking kindly either. I think the thing that bothers me the most is there are those who will take advantage of someone who is weaker than themselves. That was my father in the end. He was a poor misguided idiot. I have empathy for him, even now. He knew not what he did and was doing the best he could with the information provided.

I try and go with the premise, “Do No Harm”. That’s not particularly what those around me, at the time of my father’s death thought. They thought about the money, they thought about themselves and how to displace their emotions and feelings onto something deeper from a very, very long time ago. Suffices to say, at work, we do estate work. Worst trigger ever, fortunately, I realize it however it’s all the same in the end. Who is entitled to your money when you die and who is disgruntled when they don’t get it due to the emotions they carry with them based on their relationship with the individual who has passed. It’s a royal cluster fuck and at the age of 23 to siphon through all of that is no small task. It is incredible to be a part of, as I was, and incredible years later to witness.

My brother, he wanted money to pay of his wifes 15k debt. Yeah, no. That’s not happening. My hubby at the time, he wanted money to buy a couple of wave runner AND to live there “rent free” because I owned it however the real fact the house carried a mortgage, taxes, etc., was not in any way a thought in “anyone’s” head. All they saw was what they wanted which in no way reflected the huge responsibility I was saddled with. You can imagine, what he was told. More importantly, his Aunt had passed and she left him 10k. What he told me at that time was that it was his money and not mine. I never even thought it was mine to begin with so you can imagine, when I advised this human… :)

“Remember that 10k your Aunt left you?” Enjoy that. I will say, the pleasure was all mine seeing the smile disappear from his face. See, it wasn’t about the money as a whole, he didn’t give a flying fuck about me, my feelings, the fact that my father had just died. He literally cared about himself and what he could get. Greed is a terrible trait to carry. It’s ugly, it twists people into who they really are at their core. Goes to the Seven Deadly Sins. I’ve seen all 7 in various degrees in my life time. You are not entitled in anyway in this fashion, due to someone else’s death, to their “things”, their life savings etc., you are not entitled to it. You did not earn it, it is not yours. It never was. Suck it up buttercup.

Yet, the emotions during the siphoning through an estate have a wide array, you see a person’s true colors during these times.

My father left me with the burden of his life’s work and in the end, his mistakes. For two years I tried to save and fix the mess he created, due to illness, the people who were around him and the manner in which he handled things. I do understand. However for two years I tried to fix those things, to salvage anything at all of his lifes work. It felt horrible, so much responsibility to fix something… what? That was not my fault.

“It was nothing I’d done” :) I really like that sentence. It was literally nothing I’d done and the most freeing thing was when I recognized this. I had to sell the house, the renters destroyed it. An asshole who I’d gone to, in order to help me refinance it so one renter was enough to sustain the expenses, fucked me. He had the audacity to call me up after it was sold and chastise me for “my not telling him it was on the market”.

Orly? :) Fuck. You. I advised this utter fucking moron, that had he done his job, had he pushed the loan through vs. making me wait, this wouldn’t have happened, He lost due to his lack of attention to… the details. :) I mean, think about it, I apply for a mortgage to lower the payments, this shitidiot takes SO LONG to get back to me about putting it through I had enough time to sell it? Yeah, fuck you asshole. I’ve learned a bit since then, I was right, he really was an asshole. Mind you, I have no remorse over that. He got what he asked for.

I took a tremendous loss on the house. Capital gains loss they call it. Actually, I can still collect on that during tax season, I haven’t in years though. Primarily because paying a person 150 to do my taxes when I can do it myself for 20 because they’re simple is better.

It was severely distressing to see how others behaved. The people who came to the estate sale who were literally looking to take advantage and they did. Some did not, however, they were kind and there was this telephone table my father had restored, it was beautiful. It had birds on the front of it, my dad had hand painted them on it. He was very talented in this regard, he restored antiques for the longest time. I lost that when I got divorced, it didn’t fit in the car the day I left. It was my intention to go back, however… that never happened.

So… you see, in all of this. I could quite literally be an entirely different person. I could be bitter, angry all the time…

I’m not. I dare say, again, I’m proud of myself. I’ve seen other people who have gone through things and everyone is different, certainly…

I don’t like the things I see, that people can and have done to one another wherein they continue hurting others.

And for what?

Be good to each other.

Work on your shit man. Seriously.

I may have more on this. My sister, she went to the funeral, she went off the deep end after he passed away. It’s a shame for her how things went. We weren’t close, so … I don’t have an attachment to her in any way. It is a shame, just based on being a human being perspective. Because I grew up in the same house with her. That girl? She never stood a chance.

Posted in Personal growth

~ Million Dollar Baby ~ BlackSheep #7

argue1I’m not sure if I’ve said this recently, however all the things you’ve been through in life are neatly collected in a box (compartmentalized) in your head for future reference. They can and will, dictate your reactions/behaviors to things even when you’ve long forgotten about the experience itself. The title of this post, “Million Dollar Baby” is a movie, it’s about a young girl, who makes all this money after being trained as a fighter, she gets sucker punched in the movie and becomes paralyzed. The first time I saw the movie, years ago, I was yelling at the screen and very angry. Incredibly so. What happened was, first she bought her mother (this bitch) and her sister, a house with the money she was winning fighting.

Basically, she was still seeking approval and love from them. That was never going to happen because her mother was a fucknut. Selfish, greedy, demeaning cunt who should never, ever had children. The movie continues on and if boiling at this nasty humans behavior wasn’t bad enough, there was a time when the mother shows up at the hospital to visit the daughter after she was paralyzed. She was in the area a week or so and went to Disneyland first. O.o THEN went and visited her daughter in the hospital. With her, she brought the other bloodsuckers and a lawyer, the lawyer had drawn up papers for the girl who was paralyzed in order that the mother had full and control over the daughter’s money, since… you know, she was paralyzed and everything (which was bullshit) so she could “seem” like a nice person.

Well. Let me tell you what. It’s not uncommon for me to yell at the screen during a movie when I see bad behavior, you’ll hear “What the fuck!” followed by a plethora of obscenities neatly intermingled with precisely what is going on. Anyway, the daughter declined and I’m positive I missed some of the narrative because I was busy telling that cunt of a mother of hers what a cunt she was and how she literally should go fuck herself, the greedy bitch that she was. NO care in the world for her daughter’s condition “at all”. I was, literally, enraged. More than, one would think, one would be at a story like that. However what I did not realize was the link to my past experience from 20 years prior. I’d forgotten all about it. You’ll see, it wasn’t until a while later I made the connection to this very real event, that happened 20 years prior, it’s how well we put our life experiences in a box, in our minds, unintentionally over time. They do however remain there, gleefully waiting for something to trigger them, even via an unintentional reminder in a movie.

When my father died, when I was 23 years old. I was the executrix of his estate. I was married quarterto the mean guy I’ve referenced here before, master manipulator, got rid of him thereafter. A traumatic event in one’s life certainly does make us think about what we’re doing. So, the night my father passed, we were going food shopping. RB was insisting we hurry up and go, that was cool but I kept wanting to call my father. Goes to the intuition thing I’m always talking about. It was nagging and nagging at me that I should call and while I have no emotional attachment to this such as guilt or anything like that, when we got home which is when I decided to call, it was 9:00 p.m., or a little after. I still had the nagging feeling, gnawing away at my mind, “call your dad”. I thought, well, he’s probably sleeping, I’ll call in the morning.

The phone rang shortly thereafter and it was this cunt who was living there. She called to tell me my father had passed away and that she needed my help. I’d already heard the stories from my father as to her behavior and the shit she was pulling and he was by himself, I’d asked him to send me money so I could go down there and fuck everyone up (literally) however … being a parent, the only kind thing my brother ever said was that my father was trying to protect me from the people he had sucking him dry. That made sense. However, they killed him, figuratively and literally, slowly over time. He gave up in the end. He had nothing left. I knew that when I saw a picture of him, someone had taken while he was down there.

FutureHe had said to me that I needed to know some things, he had told me of this one person’s behavior and the things she was doing. So, when this cunt called me up, to advise me he had passed and how she needed my help, I thoroughly suspected foul play. We all have the capability of evil locked away in ourselves. I’m no different. I shifted, in that moment, hearing her voice, asking for my help into someone else. I advised her to “stay at the house, I’d be happy to help her, everything would be fine, just stay there”. No good would have come of her staying there because in that moment, all I wanted to do, to her, was beat her senseless, so she must stay at the house, in order for me to confront her and I advised her that we would be down there in a week. However, the tickets were bought the very next day, we’d be there in about 48 hours. :) Surprise!

You all have a side, that when triggered with situations like this, you would be capable of things you never dreamed of. I never did get to see her, I never got to confront her in this manner because what she did was load my father’s car up, steal as much shit as possible from the house and took off. Suffices to say, she was arrested shortly thereafter and the vehicle was returned. Not my point. My brother … the misguided human he is, would probably have held me back while contemplating something himself. As I’ve mentioned, he is a fairly dangerous human being, when it’s for what some would say, are the right reasons. These would have been, to me, the right reasons. Taking advantage of an old man, who seemed to have money, sucking him dry, abusing him and then when he dies, stealing his things … all right reasons to me.

So what I’m saying is, something from 20 years prior, was resurrected while I was watching this movie and there I was, totally unaware at the time as to the why of it all. All I knew was that, the mother depicted in the movie, as well as the family, were all evil bastards with no good intent whatsoever to this young girl who was now paralyzed and all they cared about was the money.

I’ll continue this later because I have to go work out and I’m running out of time. However, the boxesbiggest trigger in that movie, for me was the greed, the despicable manipulation of the people around this girl. Much like, the people who were around me when my father died. I mean, no lie, almost everyone who one would consider to be “close” to you (me)? They weren’t concerned about me, my emotional well being, how I felt, the huge ginormous responsibility that I now had. Actually, no one really paid me much mind after my mother died either. I was left to contend with both my mother’s demise on my own at 12 (didn’t like her, not my point) and then when I was 23, due to the despicable greed and “all about them” mentalities, I was left yet again, to contend with not only the estate, but the selfish greed of those around me.

They did not care about me, at all. My emotional well being, how I felt, my grief, none of that. What they did focus on however, was the “idea” of just how much money there was and how they could get it … from whom? Me. No help was offered, no advise, no guidance, no support. The money and the emotional attachment they linked not getting any to the love the didn’t feel they got… when? As a child. Because when parents or relatives die, someone is always bitching about… not the loss of their “loved one” if they loved them at all, they’re bitching about the almighty dollar and they don’t siphon through the distinction of love vs. money.

What they do, do is to link them together. Well, Daddy loved you more because you got everything. No, what I got was a fucking mess whereby my father’s estate was depleted so severely of funds, due to his being older and not able to take care of himself (I didn’t know this, he never told me) and those who were sucking him dry. And there were many people sucking him dry. No one should die, like that. Surrounded by fools, thieves and despicable people. He was, my Dad … a man who had no clue. His lack of knowledge trickled down onto me and I’ve carried a lot of that forward w/o knowing.

This is across the street from my friends house BTW :) So beautiful up there. I'm overdue for a visit.

This is across the street from my friends house BTW :) So beautiful up there. I’m overdue for a visit.

My friends who know him and myself since I’m a baby, they’re older, closest people to parents that I have… the young lady (she’s 80 now) Still a young lady to me, she blurted out a little over a year ago how, my father ruined me. Well, OUCH. That comment was well intended and about a month or so later, on another visit, I told her she was right. So, basically, while I feel I’ve done relatively well as a human being and a person, I am quite literally still getting over what my family has done which is neatly embedded in my system.

Why are you people not fascinated by all of this? I am. :) The hands that rock the cradle rule the world. Your developmental years are quiet insidious messages of your entire life up through to this point that define us. The idea truly is to recognize such things and how to remedy them. Someone can support you in this, that’s most valuable, truly. They cannot do it for you. (see prior post)

I have to work out now. :) Go me! This has to be continued. Because it’s a bit longer and I keep thinking, I’ve written about it before, however it’s come up again due to seeing the movie, based on my emotional reactions right now, while I’m well aware we relive something when we talk about it, other things I can talk about w/o feeling the emotions. Meaning those things have healed, it’s just a story now.

So, maybe this too need to be healed. I’m okay with that.

Humans. Myriad of contradictions. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, the child (me) became the parent and had the parents life savings and hard work as her responsibility way before having a clue and the parent, never took care of the child, yet the child was consistently taking care of the parent even in the end.

You see how neatly this all folds together?

Thankfully I like myself enough to recognize, it was nothing I’d done. Yet we still get the great pleasure of siphoning through these life experiences to be whole.

Be good to each other. Be a nice human.

Posted in Personal growth

~ As a Whole. It’s in the Details ~

This really doesn't fit here, yet it does. My blog, my rules. :)

This really doesn’t fit here, yet it does. My blog, my rules. :)

I think distinctions are important. This blog? Is all about me, much like your blog is all about you, your thoughts, your experiences, how you think, what you see, how you feel, etc. It’s certainly fine. My very real point is, and I did this myself initially, some say “I’m writing this in the hopes it will help someone else”. That is also true but only in part.

We write and share to sooth ourselves and share what we know with others. We do that “for us, for the SELF” that’s not particularly about others, the bonus is if and when we are helpful, someone else may and/or can benefit from something they’ve read, which they may never have thought about.

This blog is about me, my thoughts, my musings, the things I’ve learned and continue to learn every day. See, most people think this is self serving or conceit. That is what you were taught throughout life. That you must not be selfish, self serving or a narcissistic prick. I’d agree with that, however only in part because the idea of thinking for one’s self, isn’t particularly taught to us growing up or by society. We do as we are told. First by our parents, then peers, teachers, friends to some extent, the world around us and then we are supposed to make sense out of it however none of these things are “specifically” about US as a whole, they are a part of the sum and if we don’t think about who WE are “on the inside” (Think Ego, Super Id, blah, blah) it’s a possibility we may not be … dare I say it? Happy.

See more spiritual ego interpretation here.

See more psychological clinical ego here.

Simplified ego with colorful pictures, just as nice.

Moving on.

The internal struggle starts when we’re small. A child. We want to do, what we want to do and we’ll do that regardless of the consequences, perceived and/or real that there will be. Until we get older and learn better. And who is your teacher? Other people. So, we go about life defining who we are, based on the teachings of others and hopefully live through it. :)

The focus I’ve seen is not on “self” until most are in their 30′s and start seeing someone to asstalk to because they’re unhappy. Up through to this self discovery phase, we’re doing the best we can w/o question based on everyone elses “right thing”, not truly “ourselves” and/or what we want, more what we’re taught someone else may find pleasing or makes people happy. We’re taught what will make others happy however not “ourselves” … even psychology, in a way, does this. The focus should be on the self however it’s learning how to redirect ourselves, so we can cope and/or deal with whatever someone else has done. To whom? To us. So we can reframe the experiences, heal, come out a better more caring person and if one deviates from this, they do not fit in.

I dare say, many famous people, did not fit in. Thank god for those misfits huh? Those people create amazing things. I’m on one of them right now, gleefully typing away. Dugh.

You are the sum of your parents, friends, peers, school, life lessons imposed by others and until one learns how to process things for themselves, I’d bet you a whole dollar (it’s all I have at the moment) the underlying fears and things you do are all guided by something or someone else.

Everyone who comes in and our of your life from birth through to the present moment rocks the cradle. Think about it, I'll wait.

Everyone who comes in and our of your life from birth through to the present moment rocks the cradle. Think about it, I’ll wait.

They say the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Doesn’t mean it was a mother, doesn’t mean it was a father. It could have been an Aunt, Brother, Sister, Cousin, a Home, an orphanage, adoptive parents, lots of hands rock cradles. Each individuals life experiences are unique.

I remember reading a blog on here, the parents were so supportive and communicative with their child, I had a difficult time absorbing it because that simply was not my experience. (Why you haz cognitive dissonance? O.O) Mine, certainly, did not know how to do that. They were also doing the best thing with the information provided to them, while they were growing up. All of that is learned and trickles down onto their children, generation after generation. Hopefully we outgrow all of that and do better, doesn’t mean it doesn’t leave a mark in some way. It does because while we’re working to be an individual and express ourselves as to who WE ARE they are trying to mold and shape us into what they think we should be.

Think about that for a minute.

Seems fair. Reasonable. However, the more I learn, the more I read, the more I see, the more I realize that there were so many things I did without knowing how to think and not having certain life experiences, nor the appropriate guidance (I wonder if I would have listened… good question, doesn’t matter, point of true interest though) to understand emotions or how to think etc., it was all based on influences of those around me and what “they” wanted or expected.

“Confidence is silent. It need not defend itself. It simply exists inside you.”

^^^ you see that? That is a tag line I created for my life coaching practice. It’s mine, I maded that aaaaall by ma’sef, dat moine. That was 13 years ago and in my infinite wisdom at the time, as to being all cocky and shit (certainly, lolol) it’s 13 years later and I’m still working on living up to my own tag line.

Not by someone else’s standards. By my own. I’m not saying I’m not confident. I am saying that I

I am not a Marine however I find this mirrors how I think very well.

I am not a Marine however I find this mirrors how I think very well.

find past experiences and fears can cloud my thinking processes from time to time and when that happens, it pushes me to learn more. Why you not want to learn more? O.O

Thinking past an emotional trigger, when they can be so powerful at times, responding rationally to some fuck face who literally is asking to be torn apart, can be very difficult. Fuck that, it is very difficult. I see people who are using defense mechanisms to defend themselves and others all the time. Very biting, very calloused, very non-communicative and it pushes people away, yet they find one another and support these bad behaviors which break people apart, not bring them together. They are happily supporting one another because, that’s all they know. It’s how they process things and defend who?

Their (your) inner child.

child gigglingVariables apply. However, I’m not going to be changing this perspective any time soon. I do it myself. My gleeful puppy ass will come up and out to play and I tell her to wait and see. :) She’s the best and the worst part of who I am. She’s gleefully and almost painfully unaware of how fucked up some people can be and the damage they can cause, my job is to remind her to watch where she’s going. :) Pay attention, things may not be as they seem. Take your time. Wait and see.

I remember, one day, I was thinking about the things I did in the past three years, I was shaking my head at myself, re-reading some of my old posts here and I wished I hadn’t gotten so busy as to stop learning and reading about psychology, myself, etc. I kept telling my one friend I was rusty, I hadn’t dealt with certain things, life coaching (not blaming mind you) teaches you to focus on good, draw that out, etc., and it got fuzzy as to implementation.

I supposed I “could” thank my prior friend from on here from hurting me so badly, which literally forced me to dig deeper into myself as to the “why” of it all and then the “how”. The worst part about all of that was, I felt safe and understood. I think more than any other time specifically, emotionally. Until, of course, I did not and it was nothing I’d done. Yes. Yes, that’s true in part, lawdy fo’give meh fo’trusting a kind stranger.

Who was he talking to? Who did he make feel safe and free from judgment?

My inner child. The part of all of you, that wants to be heard, understood, validated and cared for the most. Keep up now. :)

So like, those life lessons other’s impose on us due to their fears etc., and who they are, are they really worth it? If you were to reframe it, sure. Because w/o that incredibly mind fucking painful experience, I wouldn’t have met all these cool new people, begun to relearn and fine tune more things. Right? Yes. Let’s view it from that perspective, because it’s so much more soothing to … whom? Oh yeah, me. Right. So, really, to serve themselves, hurting me was actually a good thing because it was nothing I’d done. That’s pretty cool. Certainly. One experience in life over laps into others and if you are brave enough to siphon through it all, you may come out whole. Not w/o cracks, however better. Right? Yeah. We’re not going to give any credit to anyone else in how I think. I think that I will give credit to myself.

See, now that’s interesting, one thing led to another, and poof out came a bad experience that 11we can what? “Grow from”. Hahaha! Srsly. Seriously?

Be nice to each other. You’re all you’ve got. :)

Keep learning, keep looking, keep looking outside yourself for more information past your own life experiences, keep growing, keep doing that…

Edit: I moved a picture and deleted text on accident. Oops. I bought a workout program which hopefully won’t aggravate my old injuries too much. I seem to be drawn to younger men and I’d like to keep up. :) Literally and figuratively and honestly with all the things that have been going on, I’ve neglected myself way too much. I’m happier when I’m in my personal idea of being in shape and that’s where I want to be, period. Insofar as the younger men I like, no, no, it’s not about recapturing my youth in any way. Most think I’m way younger than I am anyway, it’s my personality, certainly. I lerff being teh silleh. In happier news, I got a new workout program that I may love and hopefully I won’t hurt a body part too much. I lean heavily towards younger men, I’d like to keep up, it’s motivating to say the least. Course the real idea of motivation is internal, I understand this, however a little push doesn’t hurt. I have a filter, how young is too young? Like… that’s like, what? Being a baby sitter? No offense intended although I may smell the butthurt from here, I really can’t fathom looking like someone’s mother, mmmkay? Euuuwwwaaa. I have no logical explanation for this phenomenon.

No, no, it's not about recapturing my youth in any way. Most think I'm way younger than I am anyway, it's my personality, certainly. I lerff being teh silleh. :) No, no, it’s not about recapturing my youth in any way. Most think I’m way younger than I am anyway, it’s my personality, certainly. I lerff being teh silleh. :)According to some I can hazz one! lolol That’s not like, insecurity, I just find it funny because that whole cougar mentality is irritating to me, I just like what I like and they happen to be younger. I’ll write about that nonsense one day too. No, you won’t like it, those of you who are a cougar. So much other stuff comes with that mentality sometimes. Wouldn’t I be surprised to meet someone my age who tickled my fancy in the same manner as someone younger? Yes. Yes I would. :) Woof. For the record, I’m not talking about immaturity or anything like that. We’ll see what happens.

Srsly though… they’re so cute. :) lolol Oh LOOK my inner teenager human adorable “Ooooh I like that” side. Woofie. I am a goofball. I like me. I’m a good egg. Maybe a little like a wingnut sometimes… even I laugh at me when I’m a bit of a wing nut. At minimum, I admit it. Why not? Other people are wing nuts too, some a little deeper than others, you have to peel your eyebrows off your hairline from the look of “HOLEEEE FUCK” what the fuck did I just hear/see etc.

Humans. Are we not… entertaining. To say the very least.

Posted in Personal growth | 1 Comment

~ The Child Inside ~

Psychological Manipulations can be the most damaging things to the human condition ever. Depends on how it’s used. What still interests me today, is the way some use it without conscience.

One person told me a story about someone else the other day as to how person 2 is being manipulated by this girl. (woman) The short aspect of the story, would be that she keeps showing back up, sucking the boy out of his money (he’s an adult) has, in person number one’s perspective, broken up a couple relationships for person number one. Person 1 (P1) advised that Person 2 (P2) had x amount of dollars and now there is none. P1 believes P2 has been sucked dry by cunt face. :) Oops. Did I say that out loud?

P2, is loud, slightly obnoxious, they’re almost as hyper as I am (truly), a pain in the ass and a fairly large, softie who is good with children and whose heart is in the right place. The other day when they made a comment to me about their childhood being damaging and I burst out laughing, their face was innocent. Matter of fact, I see that expression more and more lately and it’s very sweet. To me, that says they are just, like we all are, a human who has bad habits that tend to drive me nuts. Because (lolol) I could never possibly drive anyone nuts. This is one of those times where we/I recognize my hyperness/behavior in someone else and laugh because “it’s right there”. Variables apply, certainly.

So P2 is this softie. Cunt muffin knows this and uses him, apparently, for quite some time. She’s one of those people who, based on the description I got, doesn’t want the person she’s sucking dry, she simply wants to know that no one else can have her resource for whatever it is she deems necessary. Men do this too, shut up. I’ve seen that as well.

Course, I shockingly (<—- sarcasm) felt over protective, angry and disgusted all in one felled swoop. You can get angry at this woman. However, he's allowing this behavior to go on by falling for it erry tiem. O.o Why you do deezzz? I would imagine she sucks up to his soft side. I dare say I would want more information. The cool part is I redirected wanting to rip her into tiny pieces for taking advantage of someone like that to, the full knowledge that sometimes, we do stupid things for the right reasons (to ourselves) with the wrong person and he is indeed part of the problem for not cutting her loose for sucking him dry, on any level. That's not very nice of her, yet he holds the key to the "why" of it all.

Sigh. There is nothing wrong with being good or kind to someone. Nothing. It is not acceptable however to allow someone to take advantage of one's good nature in this manner. Nope, nope, nope, nope. He has to fix that. He has to see it. He has to think about why he's doing this and/or how he's going to make it stop. Course, we've never discussed it, that was a separate conversation w/P1 so yeah.

Now. P3 is another person who married an utter fucknut. I don't care who you marry, you wanna do crazy, you do crazy. He is also part of the problem. He can't see who she is. I've told him repeatedly. Yet, he does things too. :) He'd trying to do better, that's totally awesome. Still… not my life. I can say anything I like to a person, doesn't mean they'll see it. Some people I've spoken to it's taken 2/3 years for them to see what I'm saying. And that's okay, I don't give a ratts ass WHEN they see it, just that they do. I'm always gleefully excited on their behalf when they see something, within themselves, that they remedy and they're better for it. That shows on their face too, it's incredible to see and so sweet. You can fake facial expressions, they're in all the magazines, all the false poses and sexual innuendo things, the false smiles etc., THESE expressions are amazing because of the genuine nature of them. It's beautiful. It really is. I can't express it any other way.

Lets get into P3's kids. Adorable. The fucknut has and continues to send the son, these messages on his phone. We've used them to show her lack of stability. It's not working. What is it with the blinders that people have wherein they ASSUME that a mother's presence, no matter HOW MUCH PROOF there is to the CONTRARY needs to be in the life of a child? Particularly when they exhibit such utter fucking disregard for the mental and emotional well being of their children in the manner in which this cunt does it? Oh, you feel offended by my saying this? Trust me, not all parents are alike. You, perhaps are going on your experience right now and I'll advise you, your experience and feeling offended in some way, right now, needs to be put in your back pocket and you need to reach outside your personal reference point.

To read, messages, to a young man who is adorable, good boy all things considered and watch him (skillfully I might add, I know adults who can not do as well as he did, and HE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO THIS) deflect the utterly, self serving, manipulative, guilt inducing, evil things this fucking cunt says to him to make him feel and do as she wants? I mean… I can't read them without dissociating from them entirely. The link provided is for more severe things, however it’s the same principle. Unlinking from something unpleasant, THAT fucking unpleasant so you don’t absorb and/or react a particular way. It breaks my heart. Mind you, I feel that in my chest now, the damage this jackass will cause over these kids lifetime. smh

What they’re all seemingly missing is they say “this person” who raised them is “Okay” … well okay, some are born with mental disorders. Fine. I’m not buying it. Not now, not in this case, not ever. This woman is so incredibly fucked up, due to the things and the manner in which her life has unfolded yet… certainly NO ONE assisted this into happening and the psychologist that she saw at some point, what? Was so grandiose that they missed the very REAL FACT that, this woman was NOT healed AT ALL? Why… why is that? Because… it soothed the doctor? Because it fit neatly into said dr’s little book? It’s like… everyone was capable of focusing on this woman’s issues however they all seemed to miss, based on their personal blinders, that she never, ever changed and now she is going around fucking up some adorable kids.

Thankfully, I spoke to this psychologist on another matter and he is as disgusted as I am, with the manner in which some parents treat their children. Meaning, while my life experiences lend to my immediate anger in reaction to the things I hear and see that’s not my personal bias. It’s nice to have a person who see’s what you see, the moment you see it who doesn’t look at you and say… “Oh, that’s because YOU went through this”. Certainly, it’s a stronger trigger, I can agree with that, however anyone with a rational logical mind in their head would be utterly floored by said behavior.

I also think they are wrong in their assessments of certain things. I believe the peanuts, bonded with the older sibling because he was all they had to go to, while said female was ignoring them and doing whatever the fuck she wanted to. Said other humans “oh professionals” feel that one of them has this “disorder” (honey, they’re all going to fucking have some kind of disorder because of this woman) I think, they simple want to be around the older one due to the fact the boy took care of them more than the mother. See :) NOW THIS IS projecting because I did it with my brother. :) One has to be fair minded. Because in order to see, we have to get out of our own way.

This woman reminds me of this utter fucknut my friend up state married. The boy who she told to go die, over there so the stench from his rotting body wouldn’t bother her (yes, she said this, I was utterly fucking dumbfounded) he’s going to be a good damned fucking mess. And he’s so sweet. ANY TIME I have see that boy go up to her for any reason, she has a tiny micro expression on her face of … like… rage or instantaneous hate. She’s a god damned good actress. I tell you what. She’s not normal. Her daughters, one is just like her, she hates her the most they all say that child is the problem but it’s a mirror image of said mother, the other daughter is so soothing, different personality, certainly. That girl is so soothing it is incredible. Anyone wanna tell me why this young lady is so soothing?

If she appeases her mother, she will not be the target of her mothers fucknuttery wrath. I haven’t seen it however I wonder now, if she protects her siblings with this talent. It’s a survival skill for her. One that children should not have to develop due to their caregivers behavior or lack thereof.

The hand the rocks the cradle and those in said childs environment are highly important. It’s not solely about the mother or the father either. It starts there, certainly, however it branches out from there. Makes me sad.

Be good to each other. You’re all you’ve got. Some humans. smh

Posted in Personal growth

~ Oh I See … Justifications #2 ~

Again, men AND women do such things. We good naow? :) Thanx.

On the heels of yesterday’s post we have the follow up conversation. To be fair, I’ve given surface answers based on what I’ve wanted or thought I wanted as well. Because, human beings want to do what they want to do. How far one takes it, to me, goes directly to their conscience and how far they can push the envelope with whatever that “thing” is. Or :) until they get caught. Some do it, feel badly that passes, they do it again and before you know it they’re gleefully doing whatever they want because (?) They haven’t gotten caught. There’s an arrogance in this mindset.

A prime example of this would be this radio show I listen to. It’s fucking hilarious! It’s called War of the Roses. On it, they set up some fool (and sometimes it’s truly a misunderstanding due to a lack of communication and speculation) who is cheating by saying they will send a dozen free flowers to whomever they like and it’s FREE!!! Awww yeaaa! No paper trail! So, this is how they catch them. I caught the end of yesterdays on the radio and this one guy called in after the fact, in his arrogance and says, “That guys and idiot, I’ve been married for 7 years and I’ve cheated 100′s of times and never been caught”. And there you have the arrogance of some asshole who should never have been married and the woman who loves him. Do… you think she doesn’t know? Or she pretends like everything is okay when her intuition gleefully bubbles up to the surface while he may flip it on her that she’s just insecure. :)

So, moving forward, what also happens on the show is the “flip”. The flip is when the person who is caught’s defense mechanisms kick in and they blame everyone else for setting THEM up and ruining their lives for doing this… to… THEM. lololol Awww yeaaa partay in the back. Anger redirected to save one’s own ass is always entertaining and when that doesn’t work they shift gears and try something else. It’s human nature, psychology entertainment 101.

For the record, I do not believe all humans are … well, all humans are capable, I don’t think some could or would based on who they are as a person. Never idealize anyone. I can’t say that enough.

So, I brought it up again yesterday to honestly be fair about it. The conversation swirled around a bit, there were some light “what I’d want to hear” surface responses, we were laughing, she’s adorable I mean and she does say, she love her boyfriend. I believe her, I also believe that she may not be “in love” with him and to have a back burner guy, to fall back on soothes her in some way. Lots of people do this.

However, how is this having an honest one on one relationship? Certainly, we have friends of the opposite sex however this “meeting” as it turns out would be such that they would be out with a group of friends and … hahaha! Oh golly GEE! This other group would happen to be at the same place! O.O Oh Waow!!! what a coinkidink! O.O

If you want an open relationship. Do that.
If you’re into BDSM. Do that.
If you’re into polygamy. Do that.
If you want a one on one relationship. Do that.

Chose. The alternative is having a relationship wherein you’re not really being honest with yourself as to what? What you want, what your needs are, what you can handle in a relationship. Handle means, this fella she’s involved with has a job where he travels all over the world, doing things and has groupies who fawn all over him. She says she trusts him however, to me, to sooth her mind that she’s “safe” so to speak, you have the attention from back burner guy. Women do this too by the way, so let’s not pigeon hole one sex into any one reference point because you would be wrong. If you find that you ARE making a blanket statement, black and white, generalization as to either sex.

I’ll tell you now, you are making a mistake and a fairly large one at that. Do broaden your perspective please. :)

She asked me what I thought, I advised her that it’s not my life, I’m not judging, I’m merely pointing out the contradictions and she’s going to do what she wants to regardless of what I say and that’s certainly fine. And I mean this. HOWEVER be sure why she is doing what she is doing and be honest with “herself” about it.

I remember all of these things from when I was younger. I loved my boyfriend too, didn’t do anything wrong, the groups would go out, etc., and the thing is, while I didn’t cheat, there was an emotional need being filled. One specifically I recall was (and tit for tat isn’t an excuse) the guy I was going out with for about a year, ran into his ex-fiance. I knew about her however his behavior changed dramatically towards me. The manner in which he spoke to me, his habits coming over, the lying started, his entire demeanor changed. He was caught by my neighbor out at a club with this girl when he was supposed to be out with the guys. He also used the anger card to flip it and asked to speak to my neighbor who had called me while the boyfriend was over.

Yeah. No. Didn’t work. Thereafter, I went out with someone on spite. I did, but it was just to go eat and I really did like, guy number one. I was just so angry that he was lying to hold onto me because he didn’t know what he wanted so he pulled this covert bullshit. The boyfriend, then made it my fault. O.O Orly? You not being over your ex is MY fault? The fact that he was lying and sneaking around, getting caught to boot is “my fault”. Suffices to say with other interferences at the time from others, we didn’t last much longer after a couple months of that crap, it was over. We broke up. Quite the argument too. I was done.

So, really, do two wrongs make a right? I did it on spite, some would say turn about is fair play. I don’t believe that at all. I was wrong. Did I cheat? No. I was being a brat, I was hurt, angry, confused, I felt betrayed and figured “fuck you”.

See, hopefully we mature, we outgrow these things, that was 20 years ago. Friends and confidants are one thing. Back burner men or women some keep to sooth themselves are an entirely different thing. I have that article around here about being a back burner person. I should dig that out.

I’d put pictures in this however I have to go. :) Later

Who are you and what do you want. ?

Be good to each other.

Posted in Personal growth

~ Oh I see … It’s the way you justify your actions ~

1Men AND women do these things. We good now? :) Thanx.

So. :) We have yesterday’s discussion with said human at my job wherein she felt jealous that her boyfriend had given someone a compliment and we discussed it. You know, he wasn’t getting any because she saw something while trolling his page to see what he was doing, saw him compliment someone, etc., we discussed her insecurities etc., and we all have them. Know what they are, some will push those buttons intentionally “know who THEY are” because I’ve met them as well. They do it with intent.

So, yesterday, she says to me how this guy she’s been friends with since last July, asked her to go out “just as friend”. I said, “Bullshit” and laughed my ass off.

What she was doing, was looking for me to give her quiet (or not so quiet permission) to go out with this guy under “his” guise of just being friends to alleviate her going and doing something she knows she shouldn’t, because she is involved with someone. So, to me, break up with the one you have now, who you’re going to withhold sex from because you saw him compliment some other girl and you’re not telling him why, so he’s being punished sexually (and thereby punishing yourself in this process HELLO?) and now there’s, this other detail.

Claps hands gleefully. :) Squeee! This, is a very easy puzzle. Want to play? Yes, lets play with

Mystery guy from last year for the Cream Puff at work. :)

Mystery guy from last year for the Cream Puff at work. :)

it. You can watch the pieces slide gleefully together almost by magic.

She’s been making random comments about how she’s bored with her boyfriend, he’s not doing this that or the other thing, she’s bored, he’s this that or the other thing, she scoped out his page saw him compliment someone else. He works out and belongs to a workout site, so he complimented another woman on her physic. She was in good shape too. Said young lady at work had also expressed how she had to get back in shape herself so to me, this leads to her insecurity over the compliment to the girl. She’s also been saying how he doesn’t understand her, etc., and how her kids come first and she didn’t want to go on a date with him after telling him she needed a break (she’s under a lot of other stress, I understand) so she said she’d rather go out with her kids (fine) than him however it doesn’t sound like, she wanted to go out with him at all. So… all I keep hearing is…

This is mine, I may want that too, would you help me justify what I'm thinking?

This is mine, I may want that too, would you help me justify what I’m thinking?

She’s not happy. It seems to be his fault some how because he doesn’t understand her. Prior to yesterday, I’d ask her… did you tell him? Did you say why and discuss it with him and tell him what you’d like or did you just get angry with him. The grin she makes is usually indicative of a loud, “no”. Doesn’t make her a bad person, not that this story makes her a bad person, it’s simply proof positive people are going to do what they’re doing to do and then justify it. Everyone I know, has and will do this from time to time. I have and it’s directly in accordance with what my standards are as to how I treat people and how I want to be treated myself. If you’re an asshole, repeatedly and assume I’m going to tolerate it, you’re wrong and your behavior determines mine and how quickly you are removed.

Because I’m fairly articulate and don’t lash out irrationally at people, unless they ask however even then it’s not irrational, it’s direct. At least, I think so. They do understand what I’m saying, they can’t miss it.

Okay, back to cream puff here. LOL That could be her name! She’s a little thing, I do like her, her life and the choices she makes are certainly her own, however you’re not talking to a novice here. Been there, done that insofar as justifying something, seen it, see it regularly, may have crossed those fine lines a time or two however yeah, asking me a question, to allow yourself to be able to do something, probably isn’t going to yield one the response they’d like. It didn’t in this instance either.

Cat Please Go OnSo, she goes onto explain about this guy she met, at this park on 4th of July weekend and also, I might add they exchanged phone numbers. Oh yeah, sure you can make friends. Listen, we all know when we like someone or they like us, don’t bullshit me. If you’re on the same page, it’s reciprocal, that’s always nice. Moving on. She’s been with her boyfriend 3 years, so that’d be about 2 at that point. There was the opening ploy he made w/his daughter, that’s correct by asking if his daughter could go on the ride with them for I forget what reason, she agreed. Now, that’s all well and good and if she really was into the guy she was with “to me” it would have stopped there.

Oh, you can make new friends. Yes. I’m sure because taking the guys number and continuing to talk to him for the past year while scrolling your boyfriends page to see who he’s talking to while YOU are doing it yourself is an honest, healthy, loving relationship and that should be all about that. Right? lololol Are you kidding me. Srsly. You can justify this any way you like, and we do make friends of the opposite sex, talk to them etc., but that’s not what this is about. Keep up.

She says this guy asked her to go out just as friends. That’s her looking for someone to tell her to go, when she KNOWS that’s not his only intent (and so does he, puhleeze) so that people will agree with her, she can go off feeling some what guilt free because someone else said, “It’s okay, I don’t see why you couldn’t go and do that, it’s harmless enough”. She can do what she likes mind you, that’s her life, her rules.

So, I say to her, lemme see if I understand you correctly. :) Of course I said all of this to her, are you kidding me? I was kind, no worries. You’re trolling his page and see him talking to other women, you’ve been talking to this guy for almost a full year, you’re entertaining going out with him and probably using your boyfriend talking to that girl as a justification instead of discussing it with him, so you can go and do what you want to do and feel good about it. Is that right? O.O

She’s cute when she fidgets, I’ll give her that and I knew she reminded me of someone. I was laughright. Golly gee mon! So, she’s fidgeting, saying Noooo, that’s not why. I let out a horse laugh while I informed her she’s sooooo full of it right now and how she’s using the boyfriend doing his thing for her to justify what she wants to do under the guise of being “just friends” is utter bullshit.

Why do you humans make it so easy for me. Do you see how neatly the puzzle slide together? Like magnets ZAPP! Click. Oooh, look at the pretty picture we’ve painted and “claim” not to realize. Yes, please, by all means, explain it to me. I’ll wait. :)

Now. Of course I’ve made mistakes, I’m sure when I was younger, positive in fact, I made many choices out of being unhappy. It was, because I’ve done the history work, directly related to something they’d done. Literally. My mistakes usually were due to a lack of experience on my part, not knowing certain things and then walking away because “certainly” I should literally be treated better than that. More importantly, I have also listened to the well intended advise of friends because I literally wanted to see the good and not the bad.

Life coaching teaches you to focus on the positive aspects of a person so that can be enhanced in your relationship. I’m a fan, however never ignore and/or assume that’s all there is about that person. I’m saying, do not ignore the bad, that is also a part of who they are and should not be dismissed. People are who they are, they will do what they’re going to do and you can hopefully find a person who is on the same page as you. You’re not going to do that by wearing blinders though, whether it’s about them or yourself.

You have ONE life. What are you doing? I’m sorry, one cannot be in “this” relationship as a whole, while you are investing yourself in “this” relationship over here. You’re either IN IT or you’re OUT OF IT. I realize variables apply… I get it. Don’t explain it to me.

Carry on.

Still my favorite joke evar. Seems applicable to me. Think deeply about what you want and or do not want. Quiet your mind and get real with yourself as to what you want.

Still my favorite joke evar. Seems applicable to me. Think deeply about what you want and or do not want. Quiet your mind and get real with yourself as to what you want.

Posted in Personal growth | 2 Comments

~ Gaaah ~

I had a couple things I was reading over the weekend about reframing and how it can be used for good or bad. I’ve always found myself hesitant to write about certain things because some would use it for bad vs. the good ways. I have no control over how something I say is used. That’s also quite a lot of responsibility for someone else’s actions or lack thereof to put on myself.

^^ Something to get rid of.

There was this huge uproar on G+ over the weekend via various groups of people. I stayed out of it, I don’t know where it specifically started and I have no place in the core of it because it’s billowed like … a tornado devouring houses (humans) in its path. I’ve told people off in my time, probably will again in the future. I watched quietly however it made me feel pretty bad. You can’t siphon through all that to find middle ground, you can however it’s ongoing so, there’s no starting point as to anything. I try to mind my own business, usually. No gouge too deep for some. Every time I argue it’s for a good cause, I think. I guess that’s why they’re doing it too. Definitely. It still felt pretty bad to read.

In other news, I asked this human I know, who mentioned this behavior they have if they got that from their mother. LOLOL Because behaviors trickle down in life w/o us even realizing it. The only reason I referenced their mom is because there was a story about how one reacts to things, which clicked so I combined the two, it’s a possibility. However, you know, it could have been any one else in their life as well who they were around. Not “only” our parents. Although, it does start there…

I think the most interesting aspect of all of us, myself included is … do we see the contradictions we carry around with us, on a daily basis. Those are incredible. It goes a little something like this.

Say this, do that, be this person here, that person over there, and someone else in between over here. So, who are you really and why are you doing that? I’m not talking about how speaking to different people, one may use different communication skills or cool things like that.

It’s like projecting the worst things possible out into the world, w/o checking in with one’s self to see the contradictions from one thing to the other to ourselves. I see mine, some I miss, certainly.

The topic of jealousy came up yesterday. How men speak to other women (or visa versa) when they’re in a relationship. I’m very complimentative to people, the more salacious things I usually reserve (to the I’ll do you later when I see you aspect of things) for a significant other. The only person I want to “get to” sexually is my significant other and hopefully, :) They’re equally as talented as it pertains to me. It seems like … while I love kidding around and all that good stuff, some go “this far” with it, other’s are soothing themselves because they’re not happy, with who and/or what they have. So the need is filled by teasing, flirting etc., with other people. It’s all good, doesn’t mean they’re doing anything bad, it just seems like … empty.

I’d rather not be involved, if I’m not happy with someone and looking to get my needs filled elsewhere than stay and feel empty or sooth myself with something on the surface vs. something deeper. Kidding around is all good, I think that’s good. Healthy, fun, etc., nice… what about the one on one connections?

I have to go. People know the lines they cross. I’m always interested in the why of it. Me? I want to be with a person I can share it with. You want to see my browser history? Sure… can I see yours? Sure. <— that's the appropriate response. I mean, why can't I see, if they can see and why wouldn't people want to share. Don't explain it to me. I get it.

What will people think if they knew. Oh, I don't know, maybe more honesty in their relationships where you don't feel that space. Maybe more honesty and knowing who you're compatible with vs. hiding who you are. I would like to know those things. I mean you're including a human being into your life so, why wouldn't one want to include them "in your life".

All rhetorical. I get it. Don't explain it. I'm not talking about obsessive control or stalking someone, although seeing what a person does when they think you're not looking is entertaining. At minimum. Some days, I feel like, I'm in trouble … meaning, are my standards too high?

No. They're not.

Oh the jealousy topic. :) oops. Well this one person was jealous because someone they knew was complimenting another woman, they showed me. I laughed a little bit. Asked her a few questions about it, she grinned. They were good questions and they went on to say how said human was being punished because they weren't going to be getting any. lolol

Oh. People still do that huh? See… if you're angry at a person and don't feel like sleeping with them because it hasn't been resolved, that's one thing. If you're withholding sex to punish a person for something, how is that conducive to having a healthy relationship? So, the guy has no idea what it is she's seen (he doesn't know) and he's not getting any. So, I said… so you are going to punish yourself by withholding sex because he said something to another woman, that made you feel afraid and insecure (this is true however he does talk to everyone that way, much like I kid around with people "to a point" myself) and he has no idea why? Do you feel that's a healthy relationship for the two of you?

I'm sorry… ya'll think any of this relationship shit has changed in the past 30 years?

I'll stick to what I'd like, my standard. I would like to feel free and if myself and someone isn't a good mixture, I'd like to see that so hopefully we can avoid hurting each other later on down the line by ignoring things. Don't explain it to me. I get it.

Are you the person you say you want.

Or is it laced with contradictions.

I wonder, if I would shit my pants, if I found a person who thinks like me. :)

Now that would be interesting. Doesn't have to be precisely, however… it would be interesting.

I gotta go. :)

Posted in Personal growth

~ Contradictions ~ STFU

I woke up, literally in a foul mood. It’s a compilation of things, however we’ll go with where I spend my days for now. There’s that Chef Ramsey guy on TV who screams in people’s faces, that’s comparable to how the human @ work does it. His entire face distorts with rage like you’ve killed his first born. The contradictions in his personality are incredible however I’m a firm believer that he knows exactly what he’s doing. I have to say, I should be getting fees on the side for my skills which I implement on a daily basis. So, back to this guy Ramsey. I’d said I couldn’t stand him screaming in people’s faces like that, it was unacceptable another person said that he wasn’t really like that and later on in the day, someone put up a video for me when I said I’d never seen him be kind.

Well. I watched the entire thing, it was approximately 30 minutes, including the fucking commercials I couldn’t skip. Fuuukkk However, it was worth it because I saw a different side of him, however the screaming in rage part, I’ll never like, that’s demoralizing and unacceptable behavior. The other aspect of who he is, wherein things need to be done a particular way, is very, very good. The boy knows his shit and I found myself agreeing with the things he wanted to implement at this other restaurant where he was asked to go and help fix. They were an utter mess, truly. He did an excellent job. While I was watching, it ticked off all the things that are wrong where I am now. I’ve said it before, repeatedly, to them, to myself, venting… ad nauseum.

The list I came up with is as follows:

* No system
* No organization
* You are told you can work out how things need to be done or are going to be done between the secretary’s (each time a secretary is hired he says the same thing, “you two work it out”) However each time he undermines those efforts because that flow is constantly interrupted by their demands and interruptions based on the manner in which things are run. Which is poorly and while I have explained to said human that the work load they have requires more people or better management, nothing has changed specifically in this regard. Although, I am right, trickle down conversations have confirmed what I already know.
* If you make a change, based on some explosion that occurred and they were part of that problem, those solutions you make are undermined as well because “you have to do this” not that, what are you doing?! The snarling I’ve done lately coupled up with the redirecting them, which they know I’m right however ignore, seems to stop those utterly fucked up rage attacks. I mean his entire face becomes distorted like … if they could kill you, on the spot with the manner in which they have those rage attacks, you’d be dead.
* New comers are afforded no training whatsoever to acclimate themselves and w/in a 4 – 6 week time frame, they’re ripping her apart. They did it to me, it’s that fucked up hazing thing they do. The pick apart her skills, they complain about what they know or do not know, they’re incredibly brow beating and crass to them. They’re frightening in the manner in which they speak to them, I intervene sometimes because I can, because I can’t sit there and say nothing, because they’re wrong. It doesn’t matter if I intervene or not, they’re going to do it anyway. The other day he chastised her for something and it had nothing to do with her at all. It never does anyway, he did it to me as well when I started. Circular logic, changing direction, changing what he’s said in the past so you’re wrong and he’s right, diverting blame and responsibility onto you when you had nothing to do with it, confusing you and others with the circular logic and changing the subject to confuse you and keep you off balance and all the while, initially anyway, you assume you’re dealing with a person who really means what they say and says what they mean. That, of course, is when all the redirecting starts, the fighting and the balls to the walls explosions start because I’m not having that.
* No help. There is no help available to get things done in a manner conducive to the way they “claim” they want things done. Everything you can possibly do is undermined. Do this, no… stop, do that, No, that’s wrong. What are you doing?!! You’re doing what they said, no, stop doing that, do this. No, why are you opening the mail? Well let me think, because if I don’t see it and you forget to give it to me, it’s my fault because it’s not in the book because I should have known based on “this” and that’s dismissed because “I” must have fucked up in some way. Well, that’s not true because if one follows the bouncing ball of responsibility it was fucked up from it’s inception because said human has a chaotic day and mismanages their time. They have this illusion of time in their head that is so incredibly off, it’s not even a little bit funny and that causes stress. For whom? For me.
* Illusion of time. Due to the illusion of time and we’ll get to that later, the commonly used phrase “don’t worry about it” those things are a preface to all hell breaking loose because they have an illusion of time as to just how long it takes to get something done and out the door. Just because “this portion” takes “this” long, they’re not factoring in changes, numerous changes etc., that will take place with suck the fuck out of your time and your day. Some of it, which I’ve addressed directly, is what I used to do. I would focus on getting all the small shit off my desk so I could breath (when I was in charge of my own files on my own elsewhere) and then (it was all important however… not my point) the larger projects I’d be able to spend 1/2 a day on or a day and get done and this was including interruptions or phone calls etc., so it’s about management of one’s responsibilities. One can not put up a shit load of shit work, bitch when that isn’t done and there’s no order to it. No rhyme or reason, then complain when THEY don’t see and/or recognize the manner in which things NEED to be done. I’ve been doing this shit for 25 years, I have a clue.
* Throw to the wolves. If I didn’t know what I know, it’s like being tossed in the woods with wolves nipping at your heels to perform or they’ll rip you to shreds. This mental and emotional overload lends itself to disaster because when one is that stressed out, the mind can only take so much so what happens is, all these utterly ridiculous things lend itself to things being forgotten or redirected which creates what? Utter, fucking chaos and that’s when and how things get fucked up. One can keep trying to organize things, they fuck that up. If you draw attention to it, which I do, repeatedly, it’s still based on something you’re not doing or they’ll lash out irrationally and divert it onto you. Taking personal responsibility has reared it’s pretty little head lately, that’s nice. However do not tell me “I do not understand”. I understand quite well and diverting everyone and creating chaos and stress based on intimidation tactics a lack of direction and yelling IS NOT MOTIVATING.
For that matter why am I being asked my input when they’re going to undermine me anyway? That’s assfuckward thinking and serves no purpose but to give me and others a false sense of having a say, which will be undermined at some point anyway, based on how backed up we are and we are and that has nothing to do with me. I assure you.
I’d talk about billing and such is run, however I’d throw up. Mismanaged.

So after watching Chef Ramsey there I thought… yes, yes!! I see! I already did, I’ve already tried to implement things, I ever wrote this great list here with every intention to address these things “again” when I went in today. For a moment I thought, I’d like to have Chef Ramsey come with me and point it out WITH me and I’m also open to me doing something different if it would yield a better environment. This morning… I realized… its futile.

So, here I am. Venting. Shocking. LOL And my eye just started to twitch. LOL That’s stress by the way. :) So, they’re going to let this new girl go probably and it’s nothing she’s done. She could be very good, they’re not giving her the time to acclimate and get used to how things are done and I’ve never had to tell her anything more than once when she’s asked me a question. She has questions, who cares, she responds well, she listens, she remembers and does it the other time around. That’s what one does. It does not take 4/6 weeks to become acclimated to a position it takes 3 – 6 months and then upwards as ones familiarity grows. Then you be jamon with things… PROVIDING you’re in an environment that is running well.

Which, is not. And I have to go now. :) I do the Devil Wears Prada mindset and I find, every now and then I struggle with the thought process of “Well if you want to maintain this type of control over another by undermining people and not trusting things and working in a manner conducive to getting things done, that’s fine. You want to be the wizard, I could very well let you be the wizard and responsible for “precisely” what you tell me to do, nothing more, nothing less because that’s what it boils down to anyway. Soooo… yeah, that would blow up rather quickly. Guess whose fault it would ultimately be?

Later.

Posted in Personal growth

Hoping This Guy Is It …

THIS WAS ORIGINALLY DONE JUNE, 2011. I also need to include for fairness purposes men and women do such things, it can be applied to both.

I was reading around this morning, before I posted and I wanted to talk about something after this brief observation of women in high heels from last night. I went to my daughter’s graduation last night, before the ceremony started, I was going to talk about how some women walk in high heels and truly should practice with a book on their head vs. stomping around with shoes that don’t fit, or like they’re walking around with big ole work boots with the laces untied (love my work boots!)  or like they’re lumbering laborously trying to get from one end of the room to the other and then… aaagh… you see a woman walking, well dressed, carrying herself well and you think… thank you, someone gets it.

You don’t stomp, clod hopper, clippity clop, shuffle or stagger on high heels (unless drunk I guess, but even then…take them off before you kill yourself) you glide in heels. It’s not a runway, you don’t have to slam your foot down, like you’re trying to reach china, you glide.  They should fit you comfortably, not have space in the back and not be crooked on your foot.  Heels make a woman’s legs look a mile high… sexy as hell. I used to wear them all the time, I stopped because my feet weren’t happy and neither was my lower back. This bone on the back of my right foot, began to protrude I think it was the heel bone and when I saw that, I started wearing flats and the bone went back in. Thankfully without the need for invasive surgery.  I wear them on occasion now and you know? Ya just look good in those bad boys! :)  Poise lesson over… You should look like you were born in them… not like an elephant.  Thank you…

My friend asked me yesterday, why I got so absorbed in a couple fellas and fell for a few things I shouldn’t have. After not dating for 7 years, I was out of practice … due to wanting things to work out in my favor, the familiarity factor of the person I was so smitten over, the constant swirl of up and down emotions and a slew of less than favorable emotions, I have confirmed some VERY important things.

Never ignore how you feel when it’s in the negative. If you find yourself feeling badly around a person, or due to what they’re doing or not doing and you’re making all kinds of excuses. That’s a red flag and you shouldn’t give whoever a large amount of your time. Something isn’t right about what you’re absorbing.Your body and mind know when something is off… if your mind blocks it out because you really, really hope this guy is it for you, your body is going to give you this sick feeling in your gut. You’ll think it’s YOU … Especially if they exhibit come here, go away behavior or make false promises and confuse you with their overall behavior.  Even then, you may give it more attention than it deserves. Why? Sigh…

We all have this need to be loved, cherished and to have someone be there for us. Our little inner child is alive and well on the inside and she/he really wants to see things work out in their favor. No matter how self protecting you are, no matter how much you try to deny that you really, really want a relationship or block someone out… if they got to you on any level and you’re finding yourself having those wonderful euphoric feeling you get when you let someone in emotionally, it’s such a HIGH you can’t even think straight … Especially when they say stuff… which implied your happily ever after.

I have a friend who gave me dead on advise yesterday. :)  I laughed out loud at work yesterday when I read it… he said, I don’t know what’s wrong with these guys you attract, they’re a bunch of pussies! LOL He advised guys who don’t know what they want, can’t show up, give me mixed messages or not treat me the way I deserve a kick to the curb because they have no balls. I laughed the rest of the afternoon…

With CB I was so confused by his come and go behavior… I couldn’t figure out, how someone could say so much stuff to me, implied and then keep implying things however did not take action. I mean he must have good intentions right? Especially since, in the initial phases we had that mutual discussion as to what we both were looking for. He’d come back… and of course there were those times where I would think I wasn’t so smitten (A lie I told myself) that I’d forward a joke, we’d be good (not tease) for a little bit and then … POOF… let the teasing commence and there I’d be all stupud again figuring he knows the line I draw with men about teasing (sexually) and he knows I don’t do that with anyone unless we’re involved. He hasn’t teased with me at all like that since he said he couldn’t open up. He knows that’s reserved for who I’m involved with, I’m not involved with him so there’s no reason to tease anymore. He’s just my guy friend… Period. No more sexual innuendo’s, no more teasing, none of that. That is reserved for who I’m romantically involved with otherwise how would that be anything remotely intimate that I share with a significant other? Seriously. I may as well go into a barracks and start talking shit right?

I may as well go stand on a street corner and eat a lolli pop, wear a sign that screams “anyone will do!” Come on in boys! Open for business! I wonder if I opened a kissing booth for “charity”, if that would work attracting the right guy?  Anyway…

Some guys say all this stuff and maybe they are well intended but I know from experience that you can’t chase someone who is not chasing you back. I’m not of the game playing mindset. i will say that to express what we’d like to say can feel pretty unnerving sometimes. I do not have a single, solitary male friend who will not tell me (or you) that men who know what they want make an effort.

I don’t view this as rejection if one that I reeeeeally thought I wanted doesn’t. Okay … :) Maybe a little bit, I’m human after all and there comes this point where you just want the looking and dating and kissing frogs to be over. You date a few (or a lot) of guys who don’t meet your standards, you’re going to think all men are just off their rocker. I can say this about some women I’ve met too, I digress.  We hold onto this thought that “maybe this guy” will be for me. They said stuff, they took you out, they complimented you, whatever it was that they did… you liked them.

Since women know they’ll sleep with you within seconds of deciding she’d like to entertain your company for whatever reason… there’s more of an emotional connection. I’ve made enough mistakes to write a book. I know one thing for sure, men go after a woman, men know that they like you. Period amen. I’m not all that shy, well… I am but I have no problem asking someone out, spelling it out for them, saying what I need to and laying it out there as things come up. I guess, the next person I meet I will do it again. Why? Because I want to know, that’s why… I don’t need to be confused and go up and down emotionally.

I understand from the beginning, until two people decide to become involved it’s like that sweet childhood game where you pull the petals off a daisy, “loves me, loves me not” until you get to the last petal and you’re all excited because “LOOK!!!  HE LOVES ME! “

At minimum he’s smitten enough to show you he wants to be with you, is after you, is making efforts, walk the walk, talk the talk, follow through. For me, it’s reciprocal. I never mind going out of my way and showing that boy I’m interested. I don’t buy into the whole, make the man do all the work. I think they need to know we like them too and we spell it out for them.  Doesn’t mean we get what we want or what we think we want. That reveals itself as to your natures and level of integrity and commitment you bring into a relationship with you. That takes time not bullshit and false promises.

Lemme see if I can dig down deep and really say what I want to about this… I say I’m not marriage minded, I would assume that if I met someone who I couldn’t picture my life without? That may change. We’ll have to see won’t we? :)  Yup.

There is a longing that people have to be connected to someone who makes them feel wanted, desired, cherished and most importantly? That they can relax and feel safe that no matter what happens, they’re going to show up, be present in the relationship and provide you with “some” emotional security. A person who will make you feel safe to express yourself, work things through, not run from a serious discussion but who will step up front and center and work things through.

You hope the next person you meet could be that guy (or gal) and when they like you in the beginning all the disappointment and past “perceived” failures come crashing up to the surface, whether you want them to or not and you hope to god that you’re done looking.. that your search is over because maybe “this time” you’ve found that person who will step up.

Maybe you kissed them and there was FIRE! You can’t fake that kind of electricity with someone … you just can’t, it’s not possible … He curls your toes, makes you doodle their name, makes you grin during the day… and your so slap happy you can’t imagine that you are wrong about this person. That’s just chemistry though … you can have MASSIVE chemistry with a wo/man and not get along as people “at all”… Yet, you really were excited about this guy, and you allowed yourself to believe that maybe this time you met that guy who you’ve been looking for, for a long time.

The right guy? He’ s your rock when you’re afraid, he’s your foundation… he’s the guy who makes you feel safe and you can’t imagine being with out him. He does not give you mixed messages, he’s there for you, he’s steady, he’s thoughtful and he’s got balls … he’s not a pussy.  He’s not afraid of commitment, he’s not afraid of love, he’s front and center … not in that stalker way either, had those, not fun.  He knows who he is … and YOU FEEL THAT in him.

There is no indecisiveness, emotional cluster fucks of how does he feel? Why isn’t he doing x, y, z… there is no guess work. He’s considerate, he doesn’t play games, he doesn’t only think of himself but fits you in… I understand that we hope the next person we consider tossing around (oh, entertaining a relationship with) you want that fire and passion, you want your best friend you want exceptional … and you deserve it.

I understand how bad it can feel to really want someone and then it doesn’t work out the way you viewed it in your mind. Your mind hands you these pretty little pictures of what things could be with this man, you envision being happy and if he said things to you… you figure, lets go… lets see what we can have together. I’m game, I’m tired of looking and I want to live with no regrets.

I get that for myself, what I just learned and probably knew before was to hold off on letting those pretty pictures swirl around your head. Hold off on becoming emotionally entangled with a person until you see what they  bring to the table.  All I’m saying is to push the pretty pictures out of your mind until this guy/gal is front and center, don’t accept mediocre from someone. It’s so important to know yourself well enough where you know when to step aside because you’re on different pages in life. You can run a person through the ringer innocently and … you know? For myself… I can’t allow men who didn’t know what they wanted to cloud my judgment for future guys.  If a situation isn’t right for you, you have to tuck that part of you away and tell her it’s not this guy honey… what you deserve is … what? Tell me…

I’ve already had my play time in life… this time around, I’m being selective. It doesn’t mean we allow confusion or the hope that a person will show up and do the right things with you or for you. It revolves around expressing yourself to the best of your ability and then deciding if what you want and where this other person is coming from are working for you.

It’s like this … you develop a connection with people for reasons that sometimes are a mystery. Something they say, something they do, how they feel, how they smell, the things they say … the efforts they make, they’re all intermingled.

I know it’s enticing to want the next guy you meet to be everything you’ve been looking for… it’s not only up to him though. It’s up to you too… If a guy doesn’t show up or make the efforts, or you’re not on the same page…

THE best thing to do, is let go. I know the thought of someone is a very strong pull … I know you don’t want to keep going around looking and you’re probably bone tired of it by now. Some seem to let this stuff roll off, like it doesn’t affect them. I’m not going to do that … things bother me, I’m vulnerable and sensitive to the people in my life. I also recognize that if a person isn’t going to be there? If I’m confused or not sure … or I’ve extended myself and nothing changed?  I’m worth more than that…

I want … exceptional. I have my definition of exceptional … Take care, know when to walk away, for your sake and theirs.

We don’t know what the future brings… I will say though, that actions speak louder than words, with a good guy you don’t feel all that confusion or mixed messages and if they’re on the same page as you are … it starts to fall into place. Yes! There’s work you have to do, communication and all that stuff… but the right guy? He doesn’t run… It’s just this simple.

For me? I’m being selective…Gawd do I really have to join a convent?  Well… yah you can fuck anybody really, but is that what you really want? Hey… have at it, do whatcha gotta do, when it’s time for something real?  It won’t seem so appealing anymore…


Posted in Personal growth | 16 Comments

~ Unentitled ~

big doggieI couldn’t come up with a name for this, so I went with the above. Witty, ain’t I? :) I have said in the past and I’ll say it again, when ever I’ve had confusion or felt a particular way about something or needed a fresher on some topic, or something that would be useful to me, POOF something happens or a person appears, an article, a topic, whatever that reminds me of what I know. Especially when I’m tired or something and processing lots of things. I never think that’s coincidence and if the universe does have ears, it’s listening. I don’t really believe in coincidence, so … THANX! Thanx is because it’s been happening repeatedly lately.

You could say, if you know it already, why the need for reminders and such? Well… it’s just how my mind works, knowing something and processing it instinctually is one thing (it’s an autopilot process which is continually running), combined with not talking about things specifically it hides quietly in a folder in my head, waiting for whatever information I need to be plucked out.

Okay so, a while back I had said, the people I spent my day with where not evil humans, they had bad behaviors. And they do. Then I’d said, I was reading the wrong book. I should be reviewing the verbal abuse things people do vs. the good communication book I have, however in this case, both would be helpful because it’s a combination. Not to mention people’s facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc., all neatly combined in a little package when we deal with someone.

In any given thing a person does that we hate about someone else, we may not really hate the 2person as a whole, we hate their behaviors and that’s what the focus needs to be on. Redirecting that behavior and making it stop. Hopefully. Friday, the one person who used to also drive me nuts has started, for a while now, to change. Also for the better. It’s in degrees but it’s very cute. Cute meaning, it’s better for them and me certainly, because we’re around one another 8 hours a day and then some so it makes both of our days better. That’s the goal. We were talking about something, I don’t remember what and I’d said something about damaging and they looked over at me and said “No, that was my childhood”. They were smiling, their face was very sincere and they meant that, they went on to say something about how said parents didn’t think they realized (the person who said it being “they”) that he knew what they were doing. He’s right, he was absolutely right about his perception and I don’t say this because “it was his experience” it’s because I know the parties involved and he “IS” right. So he’s right as to his experience and he’s right because I have no doubt, these two would behave in that manner because I’ve seen it first hand.

So said human said their childhood was damaging, I made a surprise face like OMG and burst out laughing, then said softly as possible w/understanding, “I know, you’re right”. It’s not the first time they’ve said things like this to me, little details of “you know this person does this” or “did you see how he did that” and he’s always nailed the behavior and what was going on perfectly. He knows, we all know when someone is doing something shitty, the fact that the other party denies it to save face, is irrelevant, it doesn’t mean anything. Literally, does not mean, anything. Because that’s the lie they tell to save face and not take responsibility for their behavior. You see how neatly this all folds together?

What's up with that? O.o

What’s up with that? O.o

Something else odd is it seems, every time I write something here, something changes in regard to what I’ve written about. Like, I’ll be venting here to clear my head, I’ve addressed things and little by little, changes have occurred. I want to be clear. I don’t write about such things out of malice towards them. I want their “behaviors” to stop, (I HATE some of their behaviors) that’s the goal, that’s what I want and if and when they do this, my day will be better and their lives may be enhanced. That sounds like an excellent plan to me.

I’ve said before that when I look at people, I see under neath the surface to the little person, through all the layers of life to their inner child. It’s just there, I don’t usually turn that on full blast unless someone’s fucking with me because there’s no need really. I mean, I do not need to analyze (although that’s on autopilot anyway) to that depth another person. The other reason is that it’s difficult for me to feel them in that manner. We sense things about others if we’re paying attention, emotionally, it’s just that no one ever told you that it’s real or how to decipher when it’s them, or when it’s you. That is a very important thing to learn.

What’s going on is they’re letting me see them, thereby giving me the ability to modify their eye8behaviors because when I can see, I can modify in degrees so they shift “for themselves” which has a double benefit… I’m happier and so are they. Although its there, they’re admitting it to themselves, that’s the most important thing, they’re shifting is saying a lot, without them having to say anything at all. It’s nice to see, it is nice to hear as well, I don’t necessarily need them to “tell me” hey, you’ve done this cool thing for us. It would feel good, however I’m a bit more humble than that. I make it sound so easy … it’s not.

One person who is a frequent visitor there treated for lunch the other day, I added tip money to the bill, told them about it and then offered to pay the tip. Because I hadn’t asked and it’s not my money. They said, No, that’s okay. I said well I didn’t ask, so I’ll be happy to contribute. They said, No you’re a very considerate person and I agreed with them. I said, “Thank you, I am a considerate person.” :) The other human there said a couple times, “Oh aren’t you a nice person”… “Yes, Yes I am a nice person, thank you”

One needs to know one’s self well enough to accept a compliment and not deflect it. I do, they’re right. I am all of those things. I’m also not without some quirks of my own and if they were to say something about that, I’d probably agree with that as well. You know, “She’s so silly” … yeah. :) dugh.

4They’re not like Nog or that old office manager I had. Where they were not open or capable of changing. Nog is still a cunt and the old office manager is still probably incapable of accepting responsibility for anything remotely related to what an utter fucktard she is. Thankfully, I’m not around them any longer. The office manager’s inner child was adorable. Her face would light up and then she’d literally twist things around to suit herself in second flat. A lot of people do this, it’s a matter of catching them as quickly as possible, so what?

They don’t do it to you.

Nog is so deeply damaged, she’ll never recover. Yes, that is my assessment. Based on the stories I heard thereafter, she’s like a snake, slithers in slowly, watches her prey and then eats it. Snakes do not like their tails stepped on and I was the handler. She hated that. What was interesting was a tiny flash of compassion when I was let go (due to them claiming not to have the money. lol) she was small for a teeny tiny moment when I made that one last attempt to tell her how the way she was would be a problem for her, the rest of her life. By the next day, she had shifted that into my personally attacking her however I was right and she knew it. She simply did not like feeling that transparent because it made her feel vulnerable and the only time she wanted to appear vulnerable was when she was using that as a ploy to get others to do her bidding. That’s pretty fucked up shit if you ask me. There’s a bee hive in her head, they sting her constantly, that’s got to suck.

A persons eyes are the most difficult thing to focus on. They are the window to the soul. A maskperson can smile and if it doesn’t reach their eyes, there’s something going on there. I told someone the other day lolol I’m sorry to laugh, but I’d forgotten I said they looked nice when they smiled and suddenly they were smiling more often and I was like… wtf are they doing? lolol It was their normal thing to do, not like that. Insert surprised expression on my part and then I remembered what I’d said and was all like, Oooh yeaaaah.

The one who mentioned their damaging childhood, their face is like this sincere, little kid. Full of curiosity and their eyes are wide as saucers (so to speak) it’s a very open expression, meaning they’re open to me in what they say, that’s pretty cool. More importantly I understand what they’re saying and doing, so it morphs together nicely. Meaning, they’re not faking anything, this is who they are and that’s a nice thing to see. It’s sweet.

We are not taught to honor ourselves, we are taught to do as we are told. We are not taught to develop who WE ARE so we go forth in the world with this false sense of self hoping someone will see us when we may not be able to see ourselves in order to express this outwardly to the world. There’s a lack of integrity in this, personal integrity whereby we sometimes do what we do without thinking. I used to do things without thinking, I had no other reference point to go by, just kind of going along, doing stuff etc., and w/o life experiences we can make choices that don’t serve us at all. Yet, we did not know at the time. We were doing the best thing for ourselves with the information we had at the time.

I see so many walking around brow beating themselves for things that they could not have possibly known because why? “It was nothing they’d done” not with intent anyway and that’s never any good. They were there, they made some type of decision for whatever reason, the reasoning lies beneath the details of what it is that person felt they wanted at the time and that’s okay. We do the best we can with the information provided at the time. Hopefully we seek out other methods and ways of being so enhance what?

therapyYOU. No. I am not saying it’s all your fault. I’m not saying you made a decision which yielded you bad results on purpose or that you brought bad things onto yourself intentionally. I am saying to keep learning about yourself and what you want and what you put out into the world. Bad things do happen to nice people because there are bad people in the world. Your job is to learn to identify such things. So you can walk away and/or be helpful if you can. I don’t mind being helpful at all. I love seeing someone light up or shift things and be a better human. Especially if I’m around them a lot.

I also realize where I spend my day is a work in progress and reserve the right to bitch about the backslide which is inevitable, due to this being how they are. They still brow beat new people, this is a mistake. They did it to me, it’s like hazing and utterly ridiculous. I remember they’d be diverting shit, I’d be all literal and shit, they’d walk away because I’d nail them with “facts” and they were being all stupid. I do not know why they do that. It doesn’t yield them any good results and WHY they keep asking me my opinions as if I’m part of it, giving the illusion that I have any say whatsoever is beyond me. Oh, no, I’m valued, I have no doubt. I’m also not naive enough to assume that, that could change. They’re going to get rid of the new young lady. She wants to leave too. If they were nicer initially and understood it takes time, which I’ve explained AT LENGTH to absorb a new environment, they could keep a new person longer and they’d be an asset.

I made a list of things they’re doing wrong as to how the office is run. They’ll tell you “take care of something” then undermine it. So really, make up your mind. You either want “this” done or you want me to do “that”. Something was said as to how something was going to change based on certain things not getting done, however that is directly related to how things ARE done and/or not done. And… this is my responsibility how? It’s not. Manage your shit in a manner conducive to things actually getting done. Or don’t ask me to contribute certain things, then have no idea what it details in order to get that thing done. Why do I have to be the grown up? lol If one is going to bitch about certain things, stop falling back into old patterns of behavior which fuck you every time. I’ve explained that as well, and guess what? “It has nothing to do with me”. :)

I’m done. :) later.

want

Posted in Personal growth | 2 Comments